How bad is it to decline an offer to be a bridesmaid for my SIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - Since she hasn't liked you for YEARS, it's unlikely she likes you now or ever will. The bridesmaid thing is probably to USE you for her own purposes.

I don't reward bad behavior. I would decline this in a heart beat. BTDT.

OP here, this is EXACTLY how I feel. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Not to take over your thread, but let me give you some background before I give my answer
My brother and his fiancé asked me to be in their wedding and it was a total nightmare. I was 8 months pregnant (they knew I was going through IVF when they asked and there would be a good chance at me being pregnant by the time their wedding came about). I tried to bow out gracefully - essentially saying I would be big as a house and I was OK if they didn't want me in the wedding (I worded it much better - but can't remember the exact phrasing). Trying to pin her down on everything (she went with 'trendy dresses' so there was no maternity line- I found a similar dress and gave her swatches- never heard back until months later (when I started bugging) She couldn't find the swatches, had to order them again. Stuff like this went on for months. Then she got annoyed with my mom for something and REFUSED TO talk to anyone in our family at the wedding (including me). It was her day - so I blew it off. But it was absolutely the most miserable wedding I have ever been to.

Ahhh- that feels good to get that off my chest.

ANYWAY- back to your issue - there are ways to gently bow out yet still keep a good relationship with your SIL. If she has a history of making things about her, keep in mind weddings can be stressful and it does not always bring out the best in people. Whatever you do, please make sure she knows you are absolutely honored that she would think of you that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do it. If you don't, it will haunt you for years.

The expense, the time, and the effort for someone who DOESN'T LIKE YOU will haunt you for years.

[Anonymous]

Cross that bridge when you get to it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to take over your thread, but let me give you some background before I give my answer
My brother and his fiancé asked me to be in their wedding and it was a total nightmare. I was 8 months pregnant (they knew I was going through IVF when they asked and there would be a good chance at me being pregnant by the time their wedding came about). I tried to bow out gracefully - essentially saying I would be big as a house and I was OK if they didn't want me in the wedding (I worded it much better - but can't remember the exact phrasing). Trying to pin her down on everything (she went with 'trendy dresses' so there was no maternity line- I found a similar dress and gave her swatches- never heard back until months later (when I started bugging) She couldn't find the swatches, had to order them again. Stuff like this went on for months. Then she got annoyed with my mom for something and REFUSED TO talk to anyone in our family at the wedding (including me). It was her day - so I blew it off. But it was absolutely the most miserable wedding I have ever been to.

Ahhh- that feels good to get that off my chest.

ANYWAY- back to your issue - there are ways to gently bow out yet still keep a good relationship with your SIL. If she has a history of making things about her, keep in mind weddings can be stressful and it does not always bring out the best in people. Whatever you do, please make sure she knows you are absolutely honored that she would think of you that way.

You are a doormat.

There is no need for OP to be a hypocrite and pretend to be honored by someone who is obviously using her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, there is no nice way to decline because it's not a nice thing to do. I mean, you should do what you want, but if I asked my SIL to be in my wedding and she said no (for no good reason), my feelings would be hurt so you should be prepared for that fallout.

+1

My SIL declined for no good reason: (nasal voice here) "What will we be weeeeeearing??" Then she continued to make the day about her, somehow. Nope, I never forgot it, nor did DH. Do the right thing, OP. Be in the wedding, act happy for her, act supportive (saying you are supportive means absolutely nothing), and don't be THAT obnoxious bridesmaid. Grow up and do the right thing.

[Anonymous]

if your beef is that she makes major life events all about her, then this one is no problem because her wedding should be all about her. I'd go, wear the dress, smile, and not make waves. I consider it to be ENGAGING with mine to start in the drama of "no I won't be in your wedding" nonsense.

Or you can do what my SIL did to me, go but then call off her own engagement the day before my wedding, so that my wedding became all about her too. Lovely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:if your beef is that she makes major life events all about her, then this one is no problem because her wedding should be all about her. I'd go, wear the dress, smile, and not make waves. I consider it to be ENGAGING with mine to start in the drama of "no I won't be in your wedding" nonsense.

Or you can do what my SIL did to me, go but then call off her own engagement the day before my wedding, so that my wedding became all about her too. Lovely.

By the way, I am this PP -- to anyone thinking I am a doormat, I assure you I am not. I just don't care. My SIL is a laughable sideshow, and I refuse to participate in her distempered freaks. She can attempt to throw her family into chaos if she wants, but I just treat her like I do my two year old tantruming -- ignore.

[Anonymous]

Why do you feel the need to decline?

[Anonymous]

Maybe she is being nice to you so that she can break it gently that she does not want you in the wedding

If she is counter culture, you might not be an appropriate bridesmaid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, there is no nice way to decline because it's not a nice thing to do. I mean, you should do what you want, but if I asked my SIL to be in my wedding and she said no (for no good reason), my feelings would be hurt so you should be prepared for that fallout.

give me a break, there is nothing 'not nice' about it. As a grown up, a person has a right to wish people well without feeling pressured to be a main player in one of their life events. Honestly, I have no desire to ever , ever, ever, be a bridesmaid again. "SIL, I am honored that you asked, but that is not something I am able to commit the time to right now, if you need some other help in planning, etc. let me know. I wish you all the best and we are all super excited about the big day!"
Spend money, ugly dress, attend every damn shower, tea, etc. BLECH! Only faintly appealing if you are 23.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, there is no nice way to decline because it's not a nice thing to do. I mean, you should do what you want, but if I asked my SIL to be in my wedding and she said no (for no good reason), my feelings would be hurt so you should be prepared for that fallout.

+1

My SIL declined for no good reason: (nasal voice here) "What will we be weeeeeearing??" Then she continued to make the day about her, somehow. Nope, I never forgot it, nor did DH. Do the right thing, OP. Be in the wedding, act happy for her, act supportive (saying you are supportive means absolutely nothing), and don't be THAT obnoxious bridesmaid. Grow up and do the right thing.

OMG -- who wants someone in their wedding party that does not want to be there. That is real stupid. I'm in your family, I will make an effort to be a good family member, I do not have to be in your wedding. That's dumb as shit!

[Anonymous]

"No, there is no nice way to decline because it's not a nice thing to do. I mean, you should do what you want, but if I asked my SIL to be in my wedding and she said no (for no good reason), my feelings would be hurt so you should be prepared for that fallout."

What fallout? The bride hasn't liked OP for YEARS?

[Anonymous]

OP dont mean to hijack, but can you tell us more about your first line, not every sibling is meant to be close to each other and you or her boyfriend thinking this is weird is what is weird here.

Back story: SIL and DH are the only 2 children in their family but spaced further apart than is ideal, and they have never had a good relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, there is no nice way to decline because it's not a nice thing to do. I mean, you should do what you want, but if I asked my SIL to be in my wedding and she said no (for no good reason), my feelings would be hurt so you should be prepared for that fallout.

+1

My SIL declined for no good reason: (nasal voice here) "What will we be weeeeeearing??" Then she continued to make the day about her, somehow. Nope, I never forgot it, nor did DH. Do the right thing, OP. Be in the wedding, act happy for her, act supportive (saying you are supportive means absolutely nothing), and don't be THAT obnoxious bridesmaid. Grow up and do the right thing.

OMG -- who wants someone in their wedding party that does not want to be there. That is real stupid. I'm in your family, I will make an effort to be a good family member, I do not have to be in your wedding. That's dumb as shit!

If you are going to have an attitude, and insist on making the day about you (see above), it is just as well if you are not in my wedding.