How bad is it to decline an offer to be a bridesmaid for my SIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP dont mean to hijack, but can you tell us more about your first line, not every sibling is meant to be close to each other and you or her boyfriend thinking this is weird is what is weird here.

Back story: SIL and DH are the only 2 children in their family but spaced further apart than is ideal, and they have never had a good relationship.

Is she nasty to him? If so, decline. If not, I would think long and hard about being THAT kind of SIL. Two wrongs don't make a right, after all. Don't you want to be the bigger person, and set a positive family example?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to take over your thread, but let me give you some background before I give my answer
My brother and his fiancé asked me to be in their wedding and it was a total nightmare. I was 8 months pregnant (they knew I was going through IVF when they asked and there would be a good chance at me being pregnant by the time their wedding came about). I tried to bow out gracefully - essentially saying I would be big as a house and I was OK if they didn't want me in the wedding (I worded it much better - but can't remember the exact phrasing). Trying to pin her down on everything (she went with 'trendy dresses' so there was no maternity line- I found a similar dress and gave her swatches- never heard back until months later (when I started bugging) She couldn't find the swatches, had to order them again. Stuff like this went on for months. Then she got annoyed with my mom for something and REFUSED TO talk to anyone in our family at the wedding (including me). It was her day - so I blew it off. But it was absolutely the most miserable wedding I have ever been to.

Ahhh- that feels good to get that off my chest.

ANYWAY- back to your issue - there are ways to gently bow out yet still keep a good relationship with your SIL. If she has a history of making things about her, keep in mind weddings can be stressful and it does not always bring out the best in people. Whatever you do, please make sure she knows you are absolutely honored that she would think of you that way.

You are a doormat.

There is no need for OP to be a hypocrite and pretend to be honored by someone who is obviously using her.

I can assure you, I am most certainly NOT a doormat. I just wasn't going to cause a scene on someone's wedding day - even if she was being completely unreasonable. Where I come from, that is called being polite.

That being said, it is her SIL. And her SIL is making an effort to get together and get to know her niece. While she could be using her, she could also have grown up some and matured and realized that family is important. I could be wrong, but it sounds like the SIL is younger and less mature than the OP's DH. Maybe, she is realizing, as she gets more serious with her bf, what is really important in her life. Or she could be a user. If it were my DH's family, I would be willing to take that chance unless there was something in the past that was done that shows she was unworthy of a second chance.

[Anonymous]

I don't get how politely declining because it's just not 'your thing' is tantamount to not wanting to be nice. It's not some kind of life test of your character and family loyalty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that she and her serious bf are about to get engaged and she will want us to be in the wedding... that's the only thing I can think of.

She's not even engaged yet, but you're assuming you'll be asked to be in the wedding and are already trying to come up with reasons not to?

And you said SHE tended to make things all about her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that she and her serious bf are about to get engaged and she will want us to be in the wedding... that's the only thing I can think of.

She's not even engaged yet, but you're assuming you'll be asked to be in the wedding and are already trying to come up with reasons not to?

And you said SHE tended to make things all about her!

THIS.

You've clearly got a chip on your shoulder and it's not cute. Your post makes you sound like an awful person, no wonder she didn't get along well with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that she and her serious bf are about to get engaged and she will want us to be in the wedding... that's the only thing I can think of.

She's not even engaged yet, but you're assuming you'll be asked to be in the wedding and are already trying to come up with reasons not to?

And you said SHE tended to make things all about her!

THIS.

You've clearly got a chip on your shoulder and it's not cute. Your post makes you sound like an awful person, no wonder she didn't get along well with you.

+1 BTW it sounds like your DH is more than a little to blame for the dynamics of your relationship. He never should have told you that she said you looked like a stuck up sorority girl. Many things are said in jest (or not) that do not need to be passed on. My DH's sister pulls that kid of crap all the time triangulating relationships in the family, repeating things that should never be repeated and generally, screwing around with everyone's relationships. Sounds like DH, his sister and you all have issues. I can't believe you are fretting over something like that may or may not happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SIL and DH are the only 2 children in their family but spaced further apart than is ideal
She has never liked me - we are the exact same age

16:14 here. I also find it amusing that you make such a point that they are far apart in age, "further apart than is ideal" but then let us know that you're her age. (Yet somehow you and your DH are not "further apart than is ideal"?) It's as if you are struggling to find every potential reason not to like her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You stand there in the dress. It isn't complicated.

Don't make it complicated.

Yeah, what's the big deal? It probably won't be more than showing up in the dress. I imagine you would attend the bachelorette, shower, etc anyway, even if you weren't a bridesmaid? You should say yes.

[Anonymous]

What if you offer to do something other than bring a bridesmaid? Like a reading, keeping the guest book, whatever else you can think of. It's less of a commitment than being a bridesmaid, but might help you keep the family peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We do live in the same city. So yeah, I feel like I may get roped into stuff. If we didn't, I would be more open to it.

I'm only making any small amount of effort because she is our child's only living aunt/uncle (I'm really outing myself here) and I don't want my own feelings to influence their relationship. To give you an idea, she has probably seen our child 5-10 times over the course of three years of living in the same city.

I know that MIL wants her and DH to be closer, but I think she has given up. I do think that her boyfriend may be putting pressure on her because he thinks its weird that they have no relationship. I thought the same and did the same at first, too.

Don't borrow trouble. She hasn't asked you.

[Anonymous]

Also? If she's a "counterculture type," she might not have a traditional wedding OR bridesmaids. (I'm one. I didn't. Spent the cash on down payment.)

Honestly, seems like you're looking for more reasons to dislike her.

[Anonymous]

She's probably trying to get your child into the wedding, not you. But then again, she's not engaged yet. Don't borrow trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stand there in the dress. It isn't complicated.

Don't make it complicated.

Yeah, what's the big deal? It probably won't be more than showing up in the dress. I imagine you would attend the bachelorette, shower, etc anyway, even if you weren't a bridesmaid? You should say yes.

No kidding. You sound like a major PITA, who is trying to deflect and make the bride the bad person.

In many cultures (U.S. included, most of the time), it is fully and reasonably expected that the entire family will be in the bridal party, if the bride or groom asks. Don't be such a self centered a-hole, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if you offer to do something other than bring a bridesmaid? Like a reading, keeping the guest book, whatever else you can think of. It's less of a commitment than being a bridesmaid, but might help you keep the family peace.

This.

[Anonymous]

I categorize this problem as borrowing trouble before it exists. What makes you so sure that she would want you to be in her wedding if you don't have a very good relationship is she that desperate for friends?