Husband speaks harshly to son

[Anonymous]

My husband sometimes speaks to our 14 year old son in a very demeaning, unkind, harsh, inappropriate way. Tonight, in private, I started to say something about it and my husband said, "oh, another lecture?" I am really furious. I don't know why he says these mean, harsh things to our son and I'm worried he is damaging his self esteem and making him feel like crap. Our son is a gentle, sweet, extremely well behaved people pleaser. We couldn't ask for a better son. The other morning there was a plate of bacon on the table and my son took 3 pieces. My husband said something like, my you're greedy and selfish and not thinking about the rest of us. My feelings would be hurt if someone said that to me. I mentioned something to my DH and he agreed that it was harsh. Tonight I didn't hear the whole conversation but I heard my husband say "stand UP" in a really angry tone. Then something like "when I tell you to do something, you do it." It's just wrong and unconscionable to talk to our son with so little awareness of how it makes him feel (bad, I'm sure). My DH must stop this and think about talking to our son the way he (DH) would like to be talked to. Now my DH is so defensive about it and I'm so mad. He just sees it as me criticizing his parenting. Any ideas about how to get him to stop?

[Anonymous]

Don't be surprised when your son leaves home ASAP and you have little contact with him and his family. What goes around, comes around.

You are enabling your asshole husband. Stop being a doormat and STAND UP FOR YOUR KID!

[Anonymous]

YES, PP is right. Send DH off in a douche canoe.

[Anonymous]

How many pieces of bacon total were there on the plate? If there were only three or four, then your son was being greedy and not thinking of everyone else. If there are three people, and there were nine pieces of bacon, then taking three strips was fair.

Your son will need to talk to your husband about this. Coming from you it will not have an impact on him.

[Anonymous]

About 90% of the time my husband is good with him and they seem to have a good relationship. Just occasionally my DH says these mean things. I do stand up for my kid, but my DH just gets defensive and he isn't changing. I'm looking for constructive suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:YES, PP is right. Send DH off in a douche canoe.

Do you think I should think about leaving my husband for this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many pieces of bacon total were there on the plate? If there were only three or four, then your son was being greedy and not thinking of everyone else. If there are three people, and there were nine pieces of bacon, then taking three strips was fair.

Your son will need to talk to your husband about this. Coming from you it will not have an impact on him.

No matter how much bacon there was, a parent should speak to their child in a kind way and not name call. He could have made his point in a better way without making him feel bad. Also, my son would not be comfortable telling DH that sometimes he says mean things. He's not that assertive yet or articulate. He just wouldn't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many pieces of bacon total were there on the plate? If there were only three or four, then your son was being greedy and not thinking of everyone else. If there are three people, and there were nine pieces of bacon, then taking three strips was fair.

Your son will need to talk to your husband about this. Coming from you it will not have an impact on him.

No matter how much bacon there was, a parent should speak to their child in a kind way and not name call. He could have made his point in a better way without making him feel bad. Also, my son would not be comfortable telling DH that sometimes he says mean things. He's not that assertive yet or articulate. He just wouldn't do it.

This. Also know nobody's perfect and if your husband says this occasionally, and is great the rest of the time it's pretty good.
Can you try to casually sit down with both of them? This shows your husband to apologie and to be accountable and it shows your son parents aren't perfect while validating his feelings and showing him how to talk things through.

[Anonymous]

The most you can for your son right now is to talk to your husband about his behavior even if he gets defensive. Your son needs an advocate for himself now and you as his mother are the one and only person who can do that for him.

Stress to your husband how the way he talks to your son is hurting his self-esteem and may cause emotional distress later down the road. This is a very delicate time in your son's life now, on the brink of being a teen-ager and he doesn't need to deal with a Father berating him at home on a regular basis. If possible, perhaps have your son talk to his Father directly about how his words are making him feel.

If all this fails, I suggest family counseling for the three of you. Maybe your husband can learn some new communication techniques he can practice at home.

Good luck to all of you.

[Anonymous]

Your job as parents is to nurture a strong, confident, and constructive human being. When your child behaves inappropriately - takes too many pieces of bacon - then your response is designed to nurture constructive future behavior.

Demeaning comments don't achieve positive outcomes. You know it, and your husband knows it. If your son's a people pleaser, he's especially susceptible to being negatively influenced by demeaning comments. What's more, since people pleasers are eager to please, their behavior's usually easy to modify with comments about how their behavior affects others.

So the demeaning comments aren't about your son. They're about your husband. He's making them because they satisfy him, not because your son needs to hear them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your job as parents is to nurture a strong, confident, and constructive human being. When your child behaves inappropriately - takes too many pieces of bacon - then your response is designed to nurture constructive future behavior.

Demeaning comments don't achieve positive outcomes. You know it, and your husband knows it. If your son's a people pleaser, he's especially susceptible to being negatively influenced by demeaning comments. What's more, since people pleasers are eager to please, their behavior's usually easy to modify with comments about how their behavior affects others.

So the demeaning comments aren't about your son. They're about your husband. He's making them because they satisfy him, not because your son needs to hear them.

+1

The bacon incident is so obviously not about bacon. It's about your husband having an outburst. If your DH really cared about bacon, he would just say "Larlo, I want some bacon too, so save me one of those pieces please."

And in 20 years, the only tools Larlo will have for getting along with women, and with his own children, will be demeaning and screaming at them.

[Anonymous]

I agree with your husband. Children need to learn their place. Your husband is only helping your son for life in the real world. I think kids need to be shamed in order to change a behavior like being greedy. Your husband sounds awesome and like a wonderful dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your husband. Children need to learn their place. Your husband is only helping your son for life in the real world. I think kids need to be shamed in order to change a behavior like being greedy. Your husband sounds awesome and like a wonderful dad.

Being shamed is so motivating. I think you boss should shame you when you make a mistake, and scream at you in a meeting and call you an idiot. It will teach you a valuable lesson, and motivate you to be a better employee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your husband. Children need to learn their place. Your husband is only helping your son for life in the real world. I think kids need to be shamed in order to change a behavior like being greedy. Your husband sounds awesome and like a wonderful dad.

Being shamed is so motivating. I think you boss should shame you when you make a mistake, and scream at you in a meeting and call you an idiot. It will teach you a valuable lesson, and motivate you to be a better employee.

I couldn't agree more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your husband. Children need to learn their place. Your husband is only helping your son for life in the real world. I think kids need to be shamed in order to change a behavior like being greedy. Your husband sounds awesome and like a wonderful dad.

This isn't the 50s. There is no "place" for children. All people need to be treated with courtesy.