Husband speaks harshly to son
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Anonymous
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It's about your kid being a (gentle, sweet) sissy and how it makes your husband react. Your husband might be a bully and naturally inclined to push around weaker men (which your son is becoming). Or maybe your husband was weak and passive as a boy, was taught to be ashamed of it, and is having some sort of PTSD from the bullying he took when he was a kid.
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Anonymous
| I say to my three year old, "when I tell you to do something, you do it" when he's not listening. He needs to understand listening to his parents and teachers. Do folks really think this is bad? |
Anonymous
| Wow, glad I read this (well, not really), because it makes me realize my DH isn't as bad I thought toward our son. My DH is pretty tough with DS with high expectations, but never demeaning or damaging to his self-esteem. Sorry, OP. You need to save your son before it's too late. My DH went through this with his dad, left home at the first chance, had a lifelong strained relationship with him. His dad is now 93 and they are just now rebuilding. It's sad. My DH felt he could never please his dad. |
Anonymous
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OP left out important information. If there were only three or four piced of bacon on the plate, I agree with her husband. The kid is fourteen and both mom and dad failed him earlier by not teaching him to think of others.
OP has no idea what the other conversation was about, or doesn't care enough to ask her husband why he was upset. When I tell my child to do something, I expect for him to pay attention and do as instructed. Unless the husband told the fourteen year old kid to do something illegal or unethical, the kid should have done as he was told. There are so many parents running their households like pedocracies that it's frightening. |
Anonymous
| No wonder millenials are such shitty employees. They get coddled right up to the point their mommies and daddies gently lower them from the nest to the ground |
Anonymous
| My husband is just like this. Always barking at the kids and critical. I'm all over him about it but he hasn't changed. It's infuriating. |
Anonymous
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I went to breakfast the other day with a friend who is a VP at a Fortune 10 firm. Probably had a 1000 people working for him. Very helpful in getting young college graduates jobs. I'm came four or five young college age boys/men. Safe to assume they have had every opportunity in life handed to them as I live in a pretty affluent area. They proceeded to stretch out and one in particular get elbowing my friend. I could see he was Getty aggregated but didn't say anything. When they left he expressed his frustration. And point blank blamed it on their parents. They are entitled little shits. No one ever told them they lost and they think the world owes them. This guy could have given any young man st that table a real start in life had they made impression. It is the type of social connections growing up. I see it in my own house, my son could eat all the bacon and if I called him out my wife would yell at me. These kids are coddled.
And to previous poster about employers, well I worked for one of the largest software firms. And we regularly fired people. And the reason - we pay for results not activity. My son needs to learn tenacity and fortitude. Flame away, but the upper middle class suburban parents are actually doing s pretty shitty job at doing this. In my house if you ask my son to do any work his Mom jumps to his defense. More than once she has asked why I am not doing it ? Well I tell my son that there are literally billions of people that would do anything to have what he has. He better be strong. And if there was ample bacon shame on Dad. If not, perhaps the kid needed a kick in the ass. |
Anonymous
Obvious troll is obvious! |
Anonymous
| DW berates our daughter and I have finally stood up to this. I do not want her to ask me when she is 40, why didn't you stop it? |
Anonymous
Yes I do. Something like this can be EXTREMELY damaging and hard to get over in the long run. It can fuck your son(s) up for life. |
Anonymous
OP - you didn't hear the entire conversation. Did you ask your DH what happened before you mentioned the way he talks to your DS? Sometimes, both DH and I speak harshly to our 9 yr old DS, probably DH doing this more often than I. I have tried to tone it down and have it mentioned to my DH as well. However, sometimes, depending on the situation, speaking harshly to your child is not all wrong. For example, if I tell my DS to stand up so that I can do something (and I need him to stand to do it), and DS doesn't, then after the 2nd time of repeating myself I would probably say it a bit harshly. If my DS ignores what I ask him to do, after I ask him a few times, then I, too, would probably say it harshly "when I ask you to do something, you do it". As another PP noted, perhaps your DH feels that your DS is too "sweet" and "gentle". As a mom, I think we have a tendency to baby our kids way more than the dads do. Sometimes, it can be hard to watch. I'm sitting here as my DH and DS are trying to do something, and DH is getting frustrated with my DS and starting to speak harshly to him. I looked at my DS's face and could see he was getting affected by it. But, they worked it out. I said nothing. I have to let the two of them work it out. I think it's good that you have mentioned this to your DH, but you also have to realize that your DH may have different opinions about how to raise your kids. Certainly, my DH and I do, but we try to back each other up as much as possible, but also talk to each other in private about how to better deal with situations. Sometimes, he disagrees with the way I do things; he calls me too soft (which, personally, I think is laughable because I am inherently not a soft person). But, you see, even to my DH, I'm too "soft". I do agree with another PP about how we are coddling our kids way too much. Our generation's parenting skills have really gone the other way, and I think we need to bring it back to somewhere in the middle. |
Anonymous
| Op, we don't know all the details. However, if you're certain your child is being well behaved, gets good grades, does chores, etc. and your husband is being abusive---you need to stop being a doormat and model good behavior for your son. Next time he talks to your son like this in front of you, tell your DH to knock it off. E.g. "honey, I understand what your saying, and so does (insert child's name), but we're not going to speak each other with such anger in this house." Smile kindly at all parties involved, and take a sip of your tea. If he keeps on, rip him a new a$hole in front of your son. Your son needs to know you'll back him if he's being treated badly. Sounds like you've already tried discussing with DH, so this is what I'd do.... |
Anonymous
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Unless there is more to the story, I don't think the DH in the OP's post is being abusive. A bit short? Yeah, but jeez people. This is a teenage boy here. We're not talking about laying hands on the kid.
I agree with the PP who brought up the millennial generation. I have some nieces and nephews in this generation and they're the most helpless and entitled snots I've ever run across. They're not "bad," just completely ill-equipped to handle any sort of criticism, rejection or disappointment because they've been coddled and pinned with ribbons from the cradle. Telling a kid he's selfish for taking too much bacon? Oh lord, call social services. |
Anonymous
Man here. Your husband is trying to TURN YOUR SON INTO A MAN. This means sometimes he HAS to talk to him in a way he would never talk to you, or to a daughter if he had one. You have to be tough on boys, and it may sound harsh to others, especially female observers. If your husband is all harshness, that is a problem, but you say it is only sometimes, so it's not a problem. The best thing you can do is butt out and let him do what he thinks is best. The worst thing you can do is try to take over the fatherhood job yourself. Absolute worst thing would be (as some moron posters suggest) to leave your husband and deny your son a father. If you do, the result will be a disaster and both your husband and son will hate you for it. All this stuff I see from the other posters about his feelings and self-esteem... fuck that shit. That's for raising daughters, not sons you want to turn into men. If you want him to be a big giant whining pussy, sure, focus on his feeewings and self-esteem. |
Anonymous
| Being tough is not being rude and demeaning. DH is damaging his relationship with his son beyond repair. Humiliation does not turn boys into men. It turns them into abusers and perpetuates misery. I'm sorry if PP was brought up that way. It was unfair to him. But he has a choice to stop the cycle of abuse and raise a man instead of a douchy clone rambling about "turning boys into men." Yuk. |