Husband speaks harshly to son

[Anonymous]

My husband is a dick to our eldest son and I have spent years trying to talk him out of that behavior. He's gotten slightly better, but I finally had to have a come-to-Jesus talk with my son and 1) acknowledge that yes, Daddy treats him unfairly (so he knows he's not crazy), 2) explain the reasons behind it (so he knows it isn't his fault), 3) assure him that no matter Daddy's reasons for his behavior, the behavior is NOT okay and I will not tolerate it without sticking up for him, and 4) tell him that doesn't mean he's never going to get in trouble and/or yelled at -- it just means that when Daddy is being unfair, I will step in. If no unfairness is happening, I'll be the first to back Daddy up.

This may not work with every kid, but it made my late elementary aged boy feel a lot better -- he doesn't have a *great* relationship with my husband, but understanding the psychology behind his occasional dick behavior seems to help him put it in perspective and move on, and it definitely helps him to know I'll have his back if he's being unfairly harangued. Since my husband knows he has dick tendencies where this child is concerned, we don't fight about it -- I just tell him straight out when he's being unfair and he tries to fix it. It's not the healthiest dynamic in the world and we all probably need therapy, but it's better than the abuse I grew up with. At least everything is out in the open and we talk about it ... (or at least that's what I tell myself).