Can’t get husband to help with Easter.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:F the patriarchy and the expectation that I work FT and handle every family obligation and holiday.

To those who say don’t do it, well you’re depriving your kids of normal holiday rituals. You’ll also be sacrificing your marriage since the societal expectation is that as a woman you create a nice home life. If you don’t go along with this, you’ll struggle to have friends and your DH might replace you.

It’s a scam and the only solution is to NOT HAVE CHILDREN, which plenty of young women have realized.

If Easter was important to me I would have married a Christian man who wanted to celebrate it. I don't get upset about not celebrating holidays that mean nothing to me and I don't raise my kids with expectations that they will receive gifts for holidays we don't celebrate.

Then this post isn’t for you. You don’t celebrate Easter.

DP This post does raise the topic of whether celebrating Easter a certain way is a requirement for being a good parent.

Specifically:

Easter themed candy (as determined by one spouse) = good parenting
Non-Easter themed candy (as determined by one spouse) = bad parenting

This is on a relationship site. It isn’t about parenting.
Even if they weren’t his kids, and a neighbor asked him to pick up candy to fill Easter eggs with, it would be weird for him to wait two weeks, give them random candy from the checkout counter, and be pissed if they didn’t use it.

But would OP still be complaining about her husband if it weren't for his failure to provide them with the Instagram worthy Easter egg hunt that OP has decided single handedly they deserve?

Like if OP asked her neighbor to pick up some candy to fill eggs with, and he waited two weeks, gave her candy from the checkout counter, and was mad that she didn’t use it?

I think she would probably feel like he was a weird dude and annoyed that he was mad.

I doubt that she would be looking to date him.

The neighbor scenario is stupid, not talking about that. Just generally. if you don't get your kids the "good" candy for a religious holiday none of you celebrate, does that make him a bad husband or just a bad dad? OPs argument is he's a bad dad for not doing this b/c it's the kids who have been whipped up into a frenzy over this by, presumably, OP. Does that make him a bad husband?

I think that not getting your wife the candy she asked for makes you a bad husband.

What about if the husband disagreed and voiced his disapproval? He should just cave and do as she demands? Why doesn't that make her a bad wife?

Because the wife probably has a clue what candy the kids like and it isn't what he bought. Most dads wouldn't know that. THAT is part of the problem.

Wife didn't have specifics: "As if kids want those. Nothing Easter themed" If she knew that they wanted, you'd say something like "Kids wanted Slim Jims. Husband bought PayDay."

If the wife did have a clue, that's a clue you provide to the person doing the grocery shopping.

It's a pretty low bar to get candy kids would like for their Easter baskets or eggs. That your wife would have to specify that to you says a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. It would never occur to me to ask DH to get stuff to fill the Easter eggs. Just like he'd never ask me to cut the grass, detail the car or call someone for a home repair. My territory is planning fun activities for the kids, throwing their parties, stuffing their stockings, hiding the elf, getting them all gifts for all holidays/birthdays. I'm good at it and I enjoy it. If I asked DH to do it, he might try, but I wouldn't trust him not to fail miserably just like your DH did. It would not shock me if he brought Paydays and almond chocolate rather than high end foil wrapped eggs. He would just have no clue.

This seems silly to get mad about. Just embrace your stuff and have him do what he's good at.

There was an update. He does the shopping. He didn’t accidentally get the wrong thing. He knew what she wanted and didn’t get it in order to prove a point.

He knew she wanted Easter candy.

The debate around that is whether or not a Hershey bar qualifies as Easter candy, and who has the Authority to make this determination for the rest of us.

[Anonymous]

What’s the problem? He got the candy. Men don’t normally focus on the small details, like what kind of candy the kids would like, or things like that.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:F the patriarchy and the expectation that I work FT and handle every family obligation and holiday.

To those who say don’t do it, well you’re depriving your kids of normal holiday rituals. You’ll also be sacrificing your marriage since the societal expectation is that as a woman you create a nice home life. If you don’t go along with this, you’ll struggle to have friends and your DH might replace you.

It’s a scam and the only solution is to NOT HAVE CHILDREN, which plenty of young women have realized.

If Easter was important to me I would have married a Christian man who wanted to celebrate it. I don't get upset about not celebrating holidays that mean nothing to me and I don't raise my kids with expectations that they will receive gifts for holidays we don't celebrate.

Then this post isn’t for you. You don’t celebrate Easter.

DP This post does raise the topic of whether celebrating Easter a certain way is a requirement for being a good parent.

Specifically:

Easter themed candy (as determined by one spouse) = good parenting
Non-Easter themed candy (as determined by one spouse) = bad parenting

This is on a relationship site. It isn’t about parenting.
Even if they weren’t his kids, and a neighbor asked him to pick up candy to fill Easter eggs with, it would be weird for him to wait two weeks, give them random candy from the checkout counter, and be pissed if they didn’t use it.

But would OP still be complaining about her husband if it weren't for his failure to provide them with the Instagram worthy Easter egg hunt that OP has decided single handedly they deserve?

Like if OP asked her neighbor to pick up some candy to fill eggs with, and he waited two weeks, gave her candy from the checkout counter, and was mad that she didn’t use it?

I think she would probably feel like he was a weird dude and annoyed that he was mad.

I doubt that she would be looking to date him.

The neighbor scenario is stupid, not talking about that. Just generally. if you don't get your kids the "good" candy for a religious holiday none of you celebrate, does that make him a bad husband or just a bad dad? OPs argument is he's a bad dad for not doing this b/c it's the kids who have been whipped up into a frenzy over this by, presumably, OP. Does that make him a bad husband?

I think that not getting your wife the candy she asked for makes you a bad husband.

What about if the husband disagreed and voiced his disapproval? He should just cave and do as she demands? Why doesn't that make her a bad wife?

Because the wife probably has a clue what candy the kids like and it isn't what he bought. Most dads wouldn't know that. THAT is part of the problem.

Wife didn't have specifics: "As if kids want those. Nothing Easter themed" If she knew that they wanted, you'd say something like "Kids wanted Slim Jims. Husband bought PayDay."

If the wife did have a clue, that's a clue you provide to the person doing the grocery shopping.

It's a pretty low bar to get candy kids would like for their Easter baskets or eggs. That your wife would have to specify that to you says a lot.

The husband needs to ask the kids.

Even if the wife knows what the kids want, the husband needs to ask the kids directly.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:F the patriarchy and the expectation that I work FT and handle every family obligation and holiday.

To those who say don’t do it, well you’re depriving your kids of normal holiday rituals. You’ll also be sacrificing your marriage since the societal expectation is that as a woman you create a nice home life. If you don’t go along with this, you’ll struggle to have friends and your DH might replace you.

It’s a scam and the only solution is to NOT HAVE CHILDREN, which plenty of young women have realized.

If Easter was important to me I would have married a Christian man who wanted to celebrate it. I don't get upset about not celebrating holidays that mean nothing to me and I don't raise my kids with expectations that they will receive gifts for holidays we don't celebrate.

Then this post isn’t for you. You don’t celebrate Easter.

DP This post does raise the topic of whether celebrating Easter a certain way is a requirement for being a good parent.

Specifically:

Easter themed candy (as determined by one spouse) = good parenting
Non-Easter themed candy (as determined by one spouse) = bad parenting

This is on a relationship site. It isn’t about parenting.
Even if they weren’t his kids, and a neighbor asked him to pick up candy to fill Easter eggs with, it would be weird for him to wait two weeks, give them random candy from the checkout counter, and be pissed if they didn’t use it.

But would OP still be complaining about her husband if it weren't for his failure to provide them with the Instagram worthy Easter egg hunt that OP has decided single handedly they deserve?

Like if OP asked her neighbor to pick up some candy to fill eggs with, and he waited two weeks, gave her candy from the checkout counter, and was mad that she didn’t use it?

I think she would probably feel like he was a weird dude and annoyed that he was mad.

I doubt that she would be looking to date him.

The neighbor scenario is stupid, not talking about that. Just generally. if you don't get your kids the "good" candy for a religious holiday none of you celebrate, does that make him a bad husband or just a bad dad? OPs argument is he's a bad dad for not doing this b/c it's the kids who have been whipped up into a frenzy over this by, presumably, OP. Does that make him a bad husband?

I think that not getting your wife the candy she asked for makes you a bad husband.

What about if the husband disagreed and voiced his disapproval? He should just cave and do as she demands? Why doesn't that make her a bad wife?

BUT HE DIDN'T. He waited until the last minute and then got crappy candy and then got mad at OP for going to get candy their kids would like. He didn't voice his frustrations with the Easter baskets/eggs until later.

What candy do you prefer?

We'd like to judge your crap preferences.

Who cares what kind of candy I like? I know what kind of candy my kids like (and don't like), as does my husband. Whether you would think they're good doesn't matter to me.

For what it's worth, my kids like these chocolate truffle candies, so that's what they got in their Easter baskets. It wasn't Easter-themed, it's packaged the same way all year, but it's what they wanted. OP's point was that her kids didn't want what he got them. Who cares if someone's kid loves PayDays - that's not the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. It would never occur to me to ask DH to get stuff to fill the Easter eggs. Just like he'd never ask me to cut the grass, detail the car or call someone for a home repair. My territory is planning fun activities for the kids, throwing their parties, stuffing their stockings, hiding the elf, getting them all gifts for all holidays/birthdays. I'm good at it and I enjoy it. If I asked DH to do it, he might try, but I wouldn't trust him not to fail miserably just like your DH did. It would not shock me if he brought Paydays and almond chocolate rather than high end foil wrapped eggs. He would just have no clue.

This seems silly to get mad about. Just embrace your stuff and have him do what he's good at.

There was an update. He does the shopping. He didn’t accidentally get the wrong thing. He knew what she wanted and didn’t get it in order to prove a point.

He knew she wanted Easter candy.

The debate around that is whether or not a Hershey bar qualifies as Easter candy, and who has the Authority to make this determination for the rest of us.

He knew she wanted candy her kids would like. Whether or not your kids like Hershey's with almonds is a moot point. My kid likes Mounds bars. I think they're disgusting but I'd still get them for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s the problem? He got the candy. Men don’t normally focus on the small details, like what kind of candy the kids would like, or things like that.

Then you're a pathetic excuse for a man.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:F the patriarchy and the expectation that I work FT and handle every family obligation and holiday.

To those who say don’t do it, well you’re depriving your kids of normal holiday rituals. You’ll also be sacrificing your marriage since the societal expectation is that as a woman you create a nice home life. If you don’t go along with this, you’ll struggle to have friends and your DH might replace you.

It’s a scam and the only solution is to NOT HAVE CHILDREN, which plenty of young women have realized.

If Easter was important to me I would have married a Christian man who wanted to celebrate it. I don't get upset about not celebrating holidays that mean nothing to me and I don't raise my kids with expectations that they will receive gifts for holidays we don't celebrate.

Then this post isn’t for you. You don’t celebrate Easter.

DP This post does raise the topic of whether celebrating Easter a certain way is a requirement for being a good parent.

Specifically:

Easter themed candy (as determined by one spouse) = good parenting
Non-Easter themed candy (as determined by one spouse) = bad parenting

This is on a relationship site. It isn’t about parenting.
Even if they weren’t his kids, and a neighbor asked him to pick up candy to fill Easter eggs with, it would be weird for him to wait two weeks, give them random candy from the checkout counter, and be pissed if they didn’t use it.

But would OP still be complaining about her husband if it weren't for his failure to provide them with the Instagram worthy Easter egg hunt that OP has decided single handedly they deserve?

Like if OP asked her neighbor to pick up some candy to fill eggs with, and he waited two weeks, gave her candy from the checkout counter, and was mad that she didn’t use it?

I think she would probably feel like he was a weird dude and annoyed that he was mad.

I doubt that she would be looking to date him.

The neighbor scenario is stupid, not talking about that. Just generally. if you don't get your kids the "good" candy for a religious holiday none of you celebrate, does that make him a bad husband or just a bad dad? OPs argument is he's a bad dad for not doing this b/c it's the kids who have been whipped up into a frenzy over this by, presumably, OP. Does that make him a bad husband?

I think that not getting your wife the candy she asked for makes you a bad husband.

What about if the husband disagreed and voiced his disapproval? He should just cave and do as she demands? Why doesn't that make her a bad wife?

BUT HE DIDN'T. He waited until the last minute and then got crappy candy and then got mad at OP for going to get candy their kids would like. He didn't voice his frustrations with the Easter baskets/eggs until later.

What candy do you prefer?

We'd like to judge your crap preferences.

Who cares what kind of candy I like? I know what kind of candy my kids like (and don't like), as does my husband. Whether you would think they're good doesn't matter to me.

For what it's worth, my kids like these chocolate truffle candies, so that's what they got in their Easter baskets. It wasn't Easter-themed, it's packaged the same way all year, but it's what they wanted. OP's point was that her kids didn't want what he got them. Who cares if someone's kid loves PayDays - that's not the point.

It mattes if OPs kids like PayDays. This was not clear in OPs post. There is no basis to assume the kids consider this "crap" candy.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read the responses but have a similar spouse. He’s just very very stressed this Spring and grumpy to deal with. He has always struggled to handle stress. I went ahead and did a target pickup order for the candy that my kids love to see in their baskets and egg hunt. It’s a big highlight of the year for them and it makes no sense to disappoint them when I know he won’t get the right stuff. Sorry op! It’s just easier to do it yourself.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:NP. It would never occur to me to ask DH to get stuff to fill the Easter eggs. Just like he'd never ask me to cut the grass, detail the car or call someone for a home repair. My territory is planning fun activities for the kids, throwing their parties, stuffing their stockings, hiding the elf, getting them all gifts for all holidays/birthdays. I'm good at it and I enjoy it. If I asked DH to do it, he might try, but I wouldn't trust him not to fail miserably just like your DH did. It would not shock me if he brought Paydays and almond chocolate rather than high end foil wrapped eggs. He would just have no clue.

This seems silly to get mad about. Just embrace your stuff and have him do what he's good at.

There was an update. He does the shopping. He didn’t accidentally get the wrong thing. He knew what she wanted and didn’t get it in order to prove a point.

He knew she wanted Easter candy.

The debate around that is whether or not a Hershey bar qualifies as Easter candy, and who has the Authority to make this determination for the rest of us.

He knew she wanted candy her kids would like. Whether or not your kids like Hershey's with almonds is a moot point. My kid likes Mounds bars. I think they're disgusting but I'd still get them for her.

Where did OP specify what candy the kids said they prefer, other than 'easter candy'?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the problem? He got the candy. Men don’t normally focus on the small details, like what kind of candy the kids would like, or things like that.

Then you're a pathetic excuse for a man.

I’m not a man. This is just true. Most men don’t even know basic information about their children, and it’s not great.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:F the patriarchy and the expectation that I work FT and handle every family obligation and holiday.

To those who say don’t do it, well you’re depriving your kids of normal holiday rituals. You’ll also be sacrificing your marriage since the societal expectation is that as a woman you create a nice home life. If you don’t go along with this, you’ll struggle to have friends and your DH might replace you.

It’s a scam and the only solution is to NOT HAVE CHILDREN, which plenty of young women have realized.

If Easter was important to me I would have married a Christian man who wanted to celebrate it. I don't get upset about not celebrating holidays that mean nothing to me and I don't raise my kids with expectations that they will receive gifts for holidays we don't celebrate.

Then this post isn’t for you. You don’t celebrate Easter.

DP This post does raise the topic of whether celebrating Easter a certain way is a requirement for being a good parent.

Specifically:

Easter themed candy (as determined by one spouse) = good parenting
Non-Easter themed candy (as determined by one spouse) = bad parenting

Honestly, anyone who wants to fight that fight is being a dick. I hope you can hear yourself.

Fight the fight of mandatory Easter themed packaging? Definitely not something to fight about. Agreed.

Just stop. You don't have to get peeps. You DO have to get candy the kids will like and be happy to receive. And mom knew payday and hersheys with almonds weren't it. The dad should have known that too. OR he was being a passive aggressive dick. Either way, not a good look for dad. Esp for such a minimal ask.

To be honest I don't know what the hell candy my kids like. They all like different stuff so I just buy whatever and call it a day.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:F the patriarchy and the expectation that I work FT and handle every family obligation and holiday.

To those who say don’t do it, well you’re depriving your kids of normal holiday rituals. You’ll also be sacrificing your marriage since the societal expectation is that as a woman you create a nice home life. If you don’t go along with this, you’ll struggle to have friends and your DH might replace you.

It’s a scam and the only solution is to NOT HAVE CHILDREN, which plenty of young women have realized.

If Easter was important to me I would have married a Christian man who wanted to celebrate it. I don't get upset about not celebrating holidays that mean nothing to me and I don't raise my kids with expectations that they will receive gifts for holidays we don't celebrate.

Then this post isn’t for you. You don’t celebrate Easter.

DP This post does raise the topic of whether celebrating Easter a certain way is a requirement for being a good parent.

Specifically:

Easter themed candy (as determined by one spouse) = good parenting
Non-Easter themed candy (as determined by one spouse) = bad parenting

This is on a relationship site. It isn’t about parenting.
Even if they weren’t his kids, and a neighbor asked him to pick up candy to fill Easter eggs with, it would be weird for him to wait two weeks, give them random candy from the checkout counter, and be pissed if they didn’t use it.

But would OP still be complaining about her husband if it weren't for his failure to provide them with the Instagram worthy Easter egg hunt that OP has decided single handedly they deserve?

100%

I think DH’s response as a non-religious person is far more normal. Easter egg hunts are stupid and if DW had a really specific vision of how to do it - she should have organized it herself. Sending DH to the store without a specific list when she has a particular vision is setting him up to fail.

My 12 year old’s favorite candy is Payday so he would have loved DH’s idea.

Our family does not like holiday themed candy. We like the regular candy we get.

Those marshmallow confection Peeps (which would meet the criteria of the OP apologists) would go directly into the trash, and we'd reach for a normal chocolate bar. Dark preferably. But milk choco would be fine.

Sure, but I bet you wouldn't want one with almonds in it.

You bet? Why? What is so strange about almonds in chocolate? I prefer almonds. If you don't, you don't.

I don't want marshmallow confection Peeps in my chocolate.

I got my kids Ferrero Rocher for their Easter baskets, which I'm not even sure they've had before, and it has nuts and they love them. This BS no nuts stuff just sounds like some rigid stick in the mud mandating what all kids like just to be difficult. The FR was an impulse buy. My kids just aren't as picky as apparently OP is about candy. No Peeps though because those are gross.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

Everybody doesn't have to care about everything equally. Specialization can work too. Everyone has different strengths. Maybe OP can tell us what her husband cares about that she doesn't.

That's literally what I said.

No, you want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about. If your marriage is so lopsided because you have a husband who cares about nothing then that's not a problem anyone can fix for you.

It's "work" to buy Easter candy that kids like? Are you for real? Literally, it takes a swing by the grocery store after work. There are aisles of easter goods and candy. Done. She's not asking him to homestead a western territory here.

And yes, sometimes I expect my DH to do things that he "doesn't care about" just like I do. It's called compromise and marriage.

Some of you people are unbelievable.

So do it yourself if it's so easy. He said he didn't believe in bunnies and crap. The compromise is you do this yourself because it goes against his beliefs. Is it only compromise when you get your way?

The OP DID go to do it herself when he brought home the PayDays and said that he didn’t believe in bunnies and crap.
The DH is the one who got mad and started sulking.

Dp

Easter candy is whatever you want it to be. If OP didn’t communicate her idea, the spouse doing the candy shopping gets to decide.

The teens might prefer money. If you give the money, that’s an Easter tradition. Of course you are free to overrule this and deny people what they want so you get the Easter you want for yourself .

This is dumb. I mean, I guess that Christmas trees and Easter candy and Halloween decorations are whatever you want them to be, but if someone asks you to pick up one of these, they probably want whatever is in the “name your holiday” aisle at the store.

And if you don’t know that, that’s fine. Just admit your mistake and let your spouse get the right thing. Don’t say that you actually secretly think that holiday traditions are stupid, and you wanted to put your Christmas presents under a lemon tree this year. No one outside of DCUM believes you.

Do you not know that the candy is the same all year long but the packaging changes? You can get it holiday themed or not. But M&Ms taste the same year round, no matter the color. My kids Easter baskets have plenty of items in them that have nothing to do with Easter specifically. No Easter packaging on any of the items.

Okay. Let’s say that all of this is right. Who cares?

If you picked out something wrong, and your spouse or your friend or whoever you got it for wanted some specific thing, what does it matter? Let them go and get the thing they want. You don’t have to get mad and say their thing is stupid anyway and sulk about it.

Well, maybe he never got a thank you for doing something OP demanded. He got grief when he got home about it. Is that something a loving supporting wife does? She demanded candy and candy she got.

From the OP:

Waited until 7pm and brought home Pay Days and Hersheys with almonds. As if kids want those. Nothing Easter themed.

I ran back to store. He was mad I ran back. Said it is stupid to egg hunt because Easter isn’t about bunny’s.

He was mad she went back to the store. That's crappy behavior. I don't know why everyone keeps changing the facts to suit their narrative.

Op here - wow. I didn’t realize I was the bad guy. My kids had been talking about this for weeks. I couldn’t ignore them and their excitement. Like why not is it enjoy a tiny tradition?? My husband thinks eggs hunts are not the right way to celebrate Easter. So he complained.

He ALWAYS goes to the store. It is just his thing, so yes I had been asking and adding candy to the list. He is there everyday.

Anyway, it was annoying he complained but refused to do anything to plan anything else. He also complained we didn’t have Easter dinner. I didn’t plan it. If he wants to go to church - plan it.

People are painting you as the bad guy because you asked your spouse to do an opposite gender task, and they are assuming that he got the wrong thing because he was incompetent, not because he was being passive aggressive.

No. She is a bad guy because she overruled her husband’s view on to celebrate (or not). And then assigned him a task for thing he said they shouldn’t do.

Yep. She said she didn't care how he felt and needed to do this anyway. So loving. So kind.

He didn't say how he felt when she asked him.

Are you OP sockpuppeting? Because you weren't there. But going this hard for OP is pretty strange.

[Anonymous]

Do this stuff yourself if it's important to you and not your dh. I used to be like you and tried to get my husband to find a specific thing for the kids that he didn't care about but it wasn't worth the time and effort. He does a lot of other things, but for this type of chore it's all me and it's much easier and less stressful for everyone that way.