Coming to terms with having an average kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that having obvious disappointment in your kid for being average is more damaging than actually being average.

100% OP has the problem--not their kid.

OP, get yourself into therapy.

To be fair, OP knows that they have the problem. OP is posting to try to not have this problem and to feel better about her child.

[Anonymous]

Your average kid is still a kid...Don't box him in that he will always be average. This area has MANY kids whose parents feel they are exceptional...but they all look very similar when its time for college except for a few. Celebrate your kid's successes and teach him during his failures to help him grow into the best adolescent and adult he can be. He may surprise you, but don't just say to yourself he's average. I'm sure you will find many things to celebrate as he goes through K-12

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to find a casual activity you can do with your kid on a regular basis. Something that is not aimed at achievement or improving in any way. I like to go for extremely easy hikes with my kid, especially this time of year. We pick a shortish hike that will take us near some water (my kid likes water) and the rule is no phones. We walk and talk, look at the water, then walk and talk back, get in the car, and go on with our lives. Sometimes my kid confides in me about real stuff -- what is going on with friends or school, fears or excitement about the future, etc. But often we just talk about a TV show we've been watching, or foods, or where we might want to go on vacation next year. There is no agenda, and I don't ever use this as an opportunity to push on something I've been stressed about or try to pry out information. If my kid is in a bad mood or doesn't feel like talking, we don't.

It's a relief, for both of us. We can just be together. My kid has a good sense of humor, and her mind sometimes comes up with the weirdest connections between things. I like watching that happen and being surprised by the stuff she says. Sometimes she complains, but she also sometimes catches me complaining and calls me on it, reminds me to be both accepting and proactive, as I've always reminded her. I like that over the years, she's changed in some ways and in others stayed purely and absolutely herself. It's interesting to watch.

That's it. That's my advice. Just spend some pressure-free, agenda less time with your kid on a regular basis. The way you would schedule time to just hang out with a friend or your spouse, because you like them and spending time with them brings you joy. And tell your kid "hey, thanks for hanging out with me today -- I like you." He will figure the rest out on his own, mostly. It's his life. Don't give up the chance to get to be a part of it because you're working so hard at trying to control it.

They should have "Like" button here. Completely agree with your post.
OP, I was a super high achiever in HS and college - math/science olympiads (not sure if there is an equivalent in US, but high level competitions), straight "A's, etc. My DS is happily "average". While he gets decent scores in math and is on higher track, he is much better with language arts and he actively dislikes math. It used to upset me, till I figured out that his brain just works differently than mine. I absolutely agree with picking an activity that is "agenda free" and enjoy it together. I guarantee you that you will find amazing qualities/abilities in your kid that will trump all the disappointment. Mine knows so much interesting historical facts, it absolutely boggles my mind AND he has been trying to learn Japanese (for obvious anime reasons). The point is, your kid is an achiever somewhere , even if it is the highest score in Fortnite. I read somewhere that it is one of the hardest things as a parent to switch from "boss mode" in early childhood to "guide mode" in adolescence. Let your kid invite you in his world and you will be amazed how interesting it is!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is just a vent. I know it’s normal, average is what most people are. I was a great student and got good grades but I am completely average if not below average as an adult. I keep telling myself that but it doesn’t help much. I just need to come to terms with the fact that my 6th grader is very average and let go of my fantasies for his futute.
He used to have very high scores for reading but he just casually told me his friend got a higher score. I said good for him and said if he also wanted higher scores he needed to expand beyond manga a bit, but that’s up to him. He basically stopped reading anything except manga like things (some of them are actual texts though) and comics.
He just wants to play videogames. I have him do athletic activities to stay fit but he is neither a fan nor great at any of it.
He is not into music and I have no desire to push him
He likes art and he is always welcome to do stuff but he doesn’t want to take any classes as he thinks he is good enough as it is (not true)
I just want to avoid taking out my disappointment on him. He got into the top track for math but I have a suspicion that he is one of the weakest students there.
I do praise him a lot, and I try really hard not to show resentment of his tastes (YouTube, videogames, memes). I try to appreciate his more tasteful choices like manga and art. But it’s so so hard for me.
Maybe there was something that worked for you?

My child has learning disabilities. I would kill for average.

I am an adult with Learning Disabilities and ADHD. School was rough for me in ES and MS but we figured out how I learned sometime in high school. I went on to earn my BA and then my PhD. Don't write off your kid with LDs, keep fighting for them.

[Anonymous]

Oh goodness, OP, he's just in 6th grade. Who he is now isn't who is he likely to become. So much can and will change in the upcoming years.

But if he is "average" (whatever that is), so what? I'm a pretty average person and I'm doing just fine. MOST people are average.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You never know what an average kid will do in life. They have plenty of time to become extraordinary.

OP’s son is part of a large very disturbing trend nationwide — lazy, unmotivated and bottom of the class video-game addicted boys who inevitably end up failing or dropping out of college.

Delusional thinking that boys like this are going to magically turn into success stories does not help anyone. You need to confront the issue, not punt it and pray.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh goodness, OP, he's just in 6th grade. Who he is now isn't who is he likely to become. So much can and will change in the upcoming years.

But if he is "average" (whatever that is), so what? I'm a pretty average person and I'm doing just fine. MOST people are average.

Maybe he’s not average at all. And what do you think happens to the distance between he and his peers (especially female peers) as they get into middle and high school? The gap grows by several (achievement) grade levels. How many parents of below average kids admit their kid is below average?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You never know what an average kid will do in life. They have plenty of time to become extraordinary.

OP’s son is part of a large very disturbing trend nationwide — lazy, unmotivated and bottom of the class video-game addicted boys who inevitably end up failing or dropping out of college.

Delusional thinking that boys like this are going to magically turn into success stories does not help anyone. You need to confront the issue, not punt it and pray.

Just about accurate. Although not sure your definition of “confront.” One of ours very average no matter what support, resources, experiences, exposure, consequences, guidance we provided. Some people are just average and I think living in the DC area or any highly educated/affluent area you lose site of that.

DC is now attending a state university, gets average grades, and will earn a general degree. Has no big goals but is happy, has a few friends, and a girlfriend. Does play a lot of video games. He seems content with his “ average” life and so we have to be as well.

[Anonymous]

My kid is "average" is often a comforting cope for parents with boys who are below average. And 6th grade is a difficult grade to tease it out just how vast the achievement gap is. Middle and especially by high school is when the widening gap becomes very clear. Every coping parent points to outlier success stories which are in no way typical and/or a no longer applicable to the modern landscape. Being a college dropout was fine ... for baby boomers, as 90% of their peers lacked a college degree. Zuckerberg could drop out of college ... because he was already polished at the most elite boarding school in the US (Exeter) and was a computer wizard at Harvard for goodness sake. But it's 2021, your kid won't graduate high school until 2027 or 2028, entering adulthood in a global high-skills hyper-competitive world, where well over 50% of his peers will have bachelor's and advanced degrees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is there to come to terms with? I don’t get why anyone thinks their child will be extraordinary. They probably will be mucking their way through life in 20 years, getting on DCUM to complain about it just like you and everyone else here.

Bless your heart.

I mean you can do the patronizing bless your heart but PP is right. Most of us are average. Most of people on this website are average to above average (if we look at DCUM’s narrow def of success that is). This wacky idea that we all have to raise kids who are “special” and excel in everything is such BS. Kids no longer get to just have fun in activities. Nah, they have to be good at it, be in the travel team, etc. This is such an American thing btw. Average elsewhere is a ok. You are freaking stressing your kids out bc you don’t see them as their own people but extensions of yourselves. Like a status symbol much like the zip code you live in or college you went to….At the end, none of it is important. I’m sorry. I’m a nurse and I’m overworked recently and I’ve been with parents who have lost their kids. Don’t take your kids for granted. Love the kids you have….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You never know what an average kid will do in life. They have plenty of time to become extraordinary.

OP’s son is part of a large very disturbing trend nationwide — lazy, unmotivated and bottom of the class video-game addicted boys who inevitably end up failing or dropping out of college.

Delusional thinking that boys like this are going to magically turn into success stories does not help anyone. You need to confront the issue, not punt it and pray.

I knew you’d show up here! Welcome back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is "average" is often a comforting cope for parents with boys who are below average. And 6th grade is a difficult grade to tease it out just how vast the achievement gap is. Middle and especially by high school is when the widening gap becomes very clear. Every coping parent points to outlier success stories which are in no way typical and/or a no longer applicable to the modern landscape. Being a college dropout was fine ... for baby boomers, as 90% of their peers lacked a college degree. Zuckerberg could drop out of college ... because he was already polished at the most elite boarding school in the US (Exeter) and was a computer wizard at Harvard for goodness sake. But it's 2021, your kid won't graduate high school until 2027 or 2028, entering adulthood in a global high-skills hyper-competitive world, where well over 50% of his peers will have bachelor's and advanced degrees.

Except 50% of kids ARE below average.

[Anonymous]

*49% sorry

[Anonymous]

OP here: no, my son is not below average, I am seeing kids who are struggling in a lot of ways and he isn’t one of them. But yes he is just a normal kid, he doesn’t want to excel (or at least he doesn’t want to work for it).
He is an achiever in videogames and while I don’t disparage said games I also don’t think this is worth much.
Btw I started feeling better immediately after posting this, it has been great to take it off my chest.

[Anonymous]

Get to know him and what interests him , make sure he feels valued and that you light up when he walks in the room. I was not great at anything as a kid and I’m extremely successful personally and professionally. I have one average kid and one high achiever. I honestly put my extra love and attention into the average one as he’s smart and interesting, just not traditionally academic. He’s also made some tough mistakes as a teen that have been hard, but we are loving him through them. It’s hard to think you’re “ordinary” in this area.