Coming to terms with having an average kid

[Anonymous]

My eldest kid has SN so very early, in the toddler and preschool years, I had to come to the realization that he is not me, and what he accomplishes or doesn't is not a reflection of me, that he is his own person entirely.

I don't take credit for his accomplishments (they are his) and I don't feel stung when things don't go well. It's his life, not mine. That separation was hard to achieve and frankly very painful, but I think it's healthy. I notice my friends with more typical kids got a lot of ego-boost from their kids' abilities when they are little and have taken it very personally when their kids run into challenges later.

Secondly, you say you are "average," but I doubt that very much. No person, examined closely, is average. (Average applies to groups). Each person has individuality and nuance. It's your job to put on better "glasses" to see yourself and your child with greater clarity and precision, and appreciate each of you for who you are.

[Anonymous]

You have a tween or teen son who opens up and shares things with you (otherwise, how would you know about his friend’s reading score?), he’s friends with another strong reader, he’s in the top math group without particularly enjoying math or being super motivated. He sounds like he’s doing well academically. Is he kind? Does he get along with others? Does he stay out of trouble? Is he physically and mentally healthy? Is he generally happy? If so, you’ve hit the jackpot.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to find a casual activity you can do with your kid on a regular basis. Something that is not aimed at achievement or improving in any way. I like to go for extremely easy hikes with my kid, especially this time of year. We pick a shortish hike that will take us near some water (my kid likes water) and the rule is no phones. We walk and talk, look at the water, then walk and talk back, get in the car, and go on with our lives. Sometimes my kid confides in me about real stuff -- what is going on with friends or school, fears or excitement about the future, etc. But often we just talk about a TV show we've been watching, or foods, or where we might want to go on vacation next year. There is no agenda, and I don't ever use this as an opportunity to push on something I've been stressed about or try to pry out information. If my kid is in a bad mood or doesn't feel like talking, we don't.

It's a relief, for both of us. We can just be together. My kid has a good sense of humor, and her mind sometimes comes up with the weirdest connections between things. I like watching that happen and being surprised by the stuff she says. Sometimes she complains, but she also sometimes catches me complaining and calls me on it, reminds me to be both accepting and proactive, as I've always reminded her. I like that over the years, she's changed in some ways and in others stayed purely and absolutely herself. It's interesting to watch.

That's it. That's my advice. Just spend some pressure-free, agenda less time with your kid on a regular basis. The way you would schedule time to just hang out with a friend or your spouse, because you like them and spending time with them brings you joy. And tell your kid "hey, thanks for hanging out with me today -- I like you." He will figure the rest out on his own, mostly. It's his life. Don't give up the chance to get to be a part of it because you're working so hard at trying to control it.

[Anonymous]

What is there to come to terms with? I don’t get why anyone thinks their child will be extraordinary. They probably will be mucking their way through life in 20 years, getting on DCUM to complain about it just like you and everyone else here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is there to come to terms with? I don’t get why anyone thinks their child will be extraordinary. They probably will be mucking their way through life in 20 years, getting on DCUM to complain about it just like you and everyone else here.

Bless your heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You never know what an average kid will do in life. They have plenty of time to become extraordinary.

Absolutely right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My eldest kid has SN so very early, in the toddler and preschool years, I had to come to the realization that he is not me, and what he accomplishes or doesn't is not a reflection of me, that he is his own person entirely.

I don't take credit for his accomplishments (they are his) and I don't feel stung when things don't go well. It's his life, not mine. That separation was hard to achieve and frankly very painful, but I think it's healthy. I notice my friends with more typical kids got a lot of ego-boost from their kids' abilities when they are little and have taken it very personally when their kids run into challenges later.

Secondly, you say you are "average," but I doubt that very much. No person, examined closely, is average. (Average applies to groups). Each person has individuality and nuance. It's your job to put on better "glasses" to see yourself and your child with greater clarity and precision, and appreciate each of you for who you are.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is there to come to terms with? I don’t get why anyone thinks their child will be extraordinary. They probably will be mucking their way through life in 20 years, getting on DCUM to complain about it just like you and everyone else here.

The average student at Langley or Whitman scores in the 90th percentile on the SAT (nationally). College decision T-shirt day is basically designed to make ''average'' kids feel inferior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You never know what an average kid will do in life. They have plenty of time to become extraordinary.

You never know what the "extraordinary" kids will do in life. They have plenty of time to fail, make bad decisions, and become like everyone else.

[Anonymous]

He's only a 6th grader. He has a lot of maturing to do. Nothing is set in stone yet.

[Anonymous]

It’s not your son, it’s the culture they are growing up in- video games, graphic novels, YouTube, low quality school curriculums, low expectations. You’re not alone in feeling this way, promise.

[Anonymous]

Be grateful for your child.
You have no idea how a SN kid's mom would love & celebrate average.

[Anonymous]

Hi all, this is OP. No I am not the OP of the thread linked above, but I guess it’s a common problem?
DS is required to do a physical activity, preferably every day (luckily there is free afterschool sports now in middle school).
Thank you for all the suggestions. I am really trying to not take out my angst on him.
We have an activity in common - we walk to school for half an hour in the mornings. We can talk about stuff then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be grateful for your child.
You have no idea how a SN kid's mom would love & celebrate average.

Oh I know and I know it sounds spoiled. I really don’t want to feel this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not your son, it’s the culture they are growing up in- video games, graphic novels, YouTube, low quality school curriculums, low expectations. You’re not alone in feeling this way, promise.

You know there’s something to it. But if he at least excelled in the low quality curriculum...