I'm a 53 year old woman and I just found out my Dad (died 6 year ago) was gay
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Anonymous
Well, yes people do think all gay men are fabulous. It's a stereotype. |
Anonymous
They had the choice of staying single. The women that were duped into marrying them had no choice. |
Anonymous
Excellent point. |
Anonymous
This must be your first day on the planet. Yes, it was terrible for the man and the woman. For OP's parents, there was likely some bond that kept them together for so many years. Of course, it's not ideal, and it is good that our society has evolved beyond these days to our current imperfection. Big hugs to you and your mom, OP, as you navigate this new information. |
Anonymous
| I sometimes wonder if there will be fewer gays over time as they are now less likely to get married to women and have children. I mean some do have children now but I think it's fewer in number. |
Anonymous
I'm one of the women who is a daughter of a gay father who has posted here. My mother was not "duped" into marrying my father. She knew my father had had relationships with men. It was common in their rather "Boho" circle in the late 1950s for people to try out homosexuality, along with things like psychoanalysis, careers in art, and other Beatnik era stuff. My mother went through her own period of 1950s style experimentalism too, including being hospitalized for "schizophrenia" (I don't think so) but again you need to read up on the times. So this isn't a matter of a young woman being duped by some sly, predatory homosexual. These were two young people, 23 and 25, who were equally interested in each other. Like so much of life, it's a complex situation, not some trope out of the Gift of Fear where one person is the victim and the other is the horrible predator. Please try to be a bit more sensitive. |
Anonymous
Then not letting your mom talk about something so impactful in her life with you is your choice. My relationship with my mother was different and I would have given her the opportunity to share with me if she wanted. |
Anonymous
Even the generations after that. Kids under 30 don't really seem to understand what it was like. |
Anonymous
| Ffs people. Sexuality is a spectrum. Things are not black and white. |
Anonymous
| OP - you do not need therapy! Be proud of your mother for her loyalty and commitment. |
Anonymous
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You never really know what goes on in anyone's head, or in any relationship between two other people.
There are plenty of heterosexual couples that don't have much or any sex. And there are plenty of gay or bi men that can enjoy sex with women. I agree with those who say that it isn't always black and white. People try to make the best choices they can within the constraints they face, and we should not judge them unless we have walked a mile in their shoes. As for missing out on a part of your father, I think we only ever see a very partial side of other people, particularly our parents. After my mother died, going through her stuff, I thought a lot about all the parts of her life and personality I had never really seen or understood. I think part of the grieving process is realizing that you will always have your memories, but that these are a very partial component of who the person was. |
Anonymous
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I can see why she wants to keep it private.
My children's father is bisexual. I found out when he cheated on me with both men and women. He hardly admitted to being bi, said guys were just easier to find to hookup with, but I had seen too much on his phone to believe him. To this day, he still claims to be straight. Although while I was threatening to leave him, he admitted to being 5 percent gay or something. I moved out shortly after my second was born, I had found out while pregnant. I regret telling certain people such as his mother (pretty sure he still doesn't know I told her it was with men, I think he thinks I left that part out). But at the time, I was like umm your son is cheating on me on grindr. It was my early 20s so I would go to her with issues at times. Safe to say she has blocked me and we have no communication. She also refuses to believe me anyways. My ex is black, buff, not feminine at all. It was truly a shock. I can't imagine telling my kids about it. |
Anonymous
Oh, and I am bisexual myself. But to him, that just means a hopeful 3sum. We are friends now but I am still very hurt. |
Anonymous
Yes. Be patient with yourself and your Mom. |
Anonymous
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You mention that this “might send you back to therapy” implying you’ve been to therapy? That isn’t a problem, you may want to integrate why you were in therapy before with what is going on now. People just don’t decide to go to therapy, and if you’re going to go back, you want to give the therapists all your data points so they can best help you. Also, nobody and no thing sends you anywhere. You aren’t a package.
I’m not at all comfortable with your mom “swearing you to secrecy”… you aren’t 12 and you didn’t just see Uncle Jack out with another woman. You are an adult, your father is dead, has been dead for awhile and your mom uncorks what she knew would upset you, and then she swears you tell no one. She doesn’t get to do that. She especially doesn’t get to tell you not to tell your sister. You may choose not to tell but she can’t swear you to anything. I’d be exploring that in therapy, why you feel compelled to keep this secret. Also, don’t be surprised to learn that she has indeed told other people. I also wouldn’t be at all surprised to learn that she’s also gay. I’d also explore why this revelation bothers you, are you wondering how you were conceived or if your father isn’t really your father at least not biologically? Does biology matter to you? Do you feel you missed things and are now wondering about your whole childhood? Are you trying to place comments your mom made “you don’t need a man” “true love can survive anything” “I don’t know why you get annoyed when your husband travels 50 weeks out of the year” into some form of context? Given your mom’s age, I’d also be looking at dementia. She uncorked something that seems to upset you, that you can’t process based on what you know of your family, something that can’t ever be proven, and which she’s “sworn you to secrecy” the way you’d swear an older sibling not to tell their cousin that Grandma is getting him a new bike for Christmas. just need to grieve that the world was so cruel that your dad thought he had to keep a part of himself hidden. If I were you, I’d talk to someone skilled in lgbtq issues, someone skilled in old people issues, someone skilled in parenting, and maybe even a grief counselor. You are an adult, and the beauty of this is that you can seek out advice and insight from anybody be it a pastor, a bar tender, the family dog, anybody. Your mom doesn’t get to prevent you from seeking the resources and help you need. She doesn’t have to answer questions, but that doesn’t mean you can’t try to get comfortable with whatever may be going on. |