I'm a 53 year old woman and I just found out my Dad (died 6 year ago) was gay

[Anonymous]

OP and many others here -- I feel you! Sending so much love your way.

I don't have a very similar experience except the feeling of wanting to love someone in a full, accepted, celebrated way. As they are.

I come from a very conservative/evangelical family and my own chosen family cannot be accepted and celebrated by them. I empathize with all of you who mentioned wanting someone to just be loved as they are.

We all deserve that.

[Anonymous]

OP, the PP above makes an excellent point. How you wrap your head around this is showing your mom how much you appreciate her marriage-long support of your dad. She’s still here, and she deserves someone letting her talk and showing care for what she has been through too. I know you want everyone to know and appreciate him for who he truly was, but it was a secret he wanted to keep and she is continuing to respect his wishes. Giving her the chance to talk about her life with him, and telling her how much you appreciate her support of him, will help being closure to both you and her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not the same, I know, but OP you reminded me of when I was visiting my mom and met her church friends about 25 years ago. There was one heterosexual couple who hung out with a somewhat effeminate man who was friends with the husband. At some point, the husband started talking about when he had a job in DC and was living away from his family back in Ohio. He started telling me about all the great times he had in Dupont Circle back in the 70s. I had just read an article in the WaPo about the changing demographics in Dupont and said without thinking, oh, Dupont is no longer such a gay neighborhood anymore. Sudden silence.

Later I talked with the wife about how hard it must have been to have her husband commuting to DC for work (because my dh and I were doing something similar). She said oh it was no problem.

Later my mom was a little upset because she couldn't believe the effeminate male friend was gay. (I must have said something. I don't know why she would have brought it up by herself.) I said nothing but I thought, "Yeah, and the husband is gay too and the wife is fine with it." Mom, so oblivious!

I know two couples like this. One is a high powered female CEO and her gay husband and hid long time partner. She is in s very prominent position in the DC area…. The three owned an apartment together in NYC and have a country house together.

The other is a dear friend. She has dropped hints. I think they truly adore and love each other in a nonsexual way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the PP above makes an excellent point. How you wrap your head around this is showing your mom how much you appreciate her marriage-long support of your dad. She’s still here, and she deserves someone letting her talk and showing care for what she has been through too. I know you want everyone to know and appreciate him for who he truly was, but it was a secret he wanted to keep and she is continuing to respect his wishes. Giving her the chance to talk about her life with him, and telling her how much you appreciate her support of him, will help being closure to both you and her.

OP here. Thank you. Yes, I spoke to her yesterday to start some of those conversations, and let her know it wasn't to invade her privacy but to give her space to finally talk about it. There were a lot of tears, and it also - for me - brought clarity to some really confusing situations over the years. There were three massive epic "[Smith] Family Meltdowns" that we sort of refer to that way over the years. Each of them I am finding out now was tied to my mom just sort of cracking under the pressure of being in a friend marriage with someone deeply closeted.

That being said, I "can't" really keep this from my sister. We are super tight. I WILL of course. But I told her really, my sister deserves to know, and I said to my mom, "hey, this is going pretty well for a 55-year-old secret coming out, don't you think? I think Larla will have the same arc of initial shock, then will want to have some questions answered/conversations just like I am." Not to mention it would drive a wedge between me and my sister something fierce if she finds out that mom told me too soon before her. She doesn't deserve being left out. My brother? F him. He's an a-hole, I have no contact, but that one I will leave solely to my mother. I'm not involved there in any way.

This ain't easy...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mean bisexual. And maybe he wanted to stay married and have that American dream.

You don't know that.

Unless OP was conceived by artificial insemination, I do know that.

Dumb dumb somebody could have sex with someone to whom they are not naturally attracted it’s a physical act; orientation does not somehow magically keep you from having sex with somebody dummy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a 60 something lesbian and I can tell you that being gay was so difficult until about the last 20 years. For those of us who grew up and older living in fear, it can be hard to believe it’s really ok to be gay. And honestly it isnt ok to be gay everywhere.

This. So glad that children today do not have those many obstacles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a 60 something lesbian and I can tell you that being gay was so difficult until about the last 20 years. For those of us who grew up and older living in fear, it can be hard to believe it’s really ok to be gay. And honestly it isnt ok to be gay everywhere.

This. So glad that children today do not have those many obstacles.

OP here. I totally understand WHY he did it, and am equally grateful that people like my daughter will never face this level of fear. I'm just trying to compartmentalize/reorganize my thoughts to include my dad in those musings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the PP above makes an excellent point. How you wrap your head around this is showing your mom how much you appreciate her marriage-long support of your dad. She’s still here, and she deserves someone letting her talk and showing care for what she has been through too. I know you want everyone to know and appreciate him for who he truly was, but it was a secret he wanted to keep and she is continuing to respect his wishes. Giving her the chance to talk about her life with him, and telling her how much you appreciate her support of him, will help being closure to both you and her.

OP here. Thank you. Yes, I spoke to her yesterday to start some of those conversations, and let her know it wasn't to invade her privacy but to give her space to finally talk about it. There were a lot of tears, and it also - for me - brought clarity to some really confusing situations over the years. There were three massive epic "[Smith] Family Meltdowns" that we sort of refer to that way over the years. Each of them I am finding out now was tied to my mom just sort of cracking under the pressure of being in a friend marriage with someone deeply closeted.

That being said, I "can't" really keep this from my sister. We are super tight. I WILL of course. But I told her really, my sister deserves to know, and I said to my mom, "hey, this is going pretty well for a 55-year-old secret coming out, don't you think? I think Larla will have the same arc of initial shock, then will want to have some questions answered/conversations just like I am." Not to mention it would drive a wedge between me and my sister something fierce if she finds out that mom told me too soon before her. She doesn't deserve being left out. My brother? F him. He's an a-hole, I have no contact, but that one I will leave solely to my mother. I'm not involved there in any way.

This ain't easy...

If you're close you have to tell your sister.

[Anonymous]

I highly recommend Fun Home by Allison Bechdel (and the musical by the same name). Though Bechdel tells the story of learning about her father’s identity through a lens of her own coming out process you might also find it interesting and comforting.

[Anonymous]

My father is gay. If it's any consolation, you're really not missing out on anything. I only talk about it with my husband. If someone else volunteers that their father is also gay, I'll talk about it with them, but not anyone else. The problem is that shows like Queer Eye give people the impression that all gay people are really cool. That's just not the case. Gay people can be as nerdy as any straight/bi person. That's my Dad. My father also left my mother penniless when they divorced, which was really stressful on all of us, which was another issue. But trust me, you haven't really missed out on anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father is gay. If it's any consolation, you're really not missing out on anything. I only talk about it with my husband. If someone else volunteers that their father is also gay, I'll talk about it with them, but not anyone else. The problem is that shows like Queer Eye give people the impression that all gay people are really cool. That's just not the case. Gay people can be as nerdy as any straight/bi person. That's my Dad. My father also left my mother penniless when they divorced, which was really stressful on all of us, which was another issue. But trust me, you haven't really missed out on anything.

Well nobody is saying all gay people are fabulous. Finding out about my FIL didn't make me suddenly think he is a great person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the PP above makes an excellent point. How you wrap your head around this is showing your mom how much you appreciate her marriage-long support of your dad. She’s still here, and she deserves someone letting her talk and showing care for what she has been through too. I know you want everyone to know and appreciate him for who he truly was, but it was a secret he wanted to keep and she is continuing to respect his wishes. Giving her the chance to talk about her life with him, and telling her how much you appreciate her support of him, will help being closure to both you and her.

I'm the second woman who posted about the experience of finding out my father was guy. I agree with you that my mom's journey is important and valid. But I'm not my mom's therapist, and drawing my mom out on her anger and many complex feelings about why she chose to stay married to my father is not my job. I had to learn this through years of therapy. I'm not one of my mother's female friends. I'm her child. Boundaries are very, very important in dysfunctional families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mean bisexual. And maybe he wanted to stay married and have that American dream.

You don't know that.

Unless OP was conceived by artificial insemination, I do know that.

Not OP but gay men getting married to women was extremely common for the Silent Generation. Most had absolutely no other choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found out my dad was gay when I was 41 and I totally understand your feelings. It's not homophobia; it's simply a retelling to yourself of many of your life and family stories through the lens of this news. I began realizing that most of my father's books were biographies of gay and bisexual men but I had never thought about that before ("He just finds them interesting"). Most of his friends were gay. I had never thought about so many things. Like you, my parents were still married.

I had many concerns about whether I was conceived in love and I strongly believe that both of us, OP, were conceived in loving relationships. Times were different then.

Different poster here, but sending you hugs. I'm 54 and there have been several couples in my mom's friend group where the husband has come out as gay very late in life. These men absolutely loved their wives. They were just pigeonholed into a life that wasn't 100% true for them. If that makes sense. I am certain both of you were conceived in loving relationships.

[Anonymous]

It’s not my father, but I found out my uncle was gay after my aunt died. I was very close to both of them my entire life and she died ten years before he did. After her death, all he did was mourn that she was gone and he never dated a man but he was in his 80s by then. I’m not sure exactly how their personal life worked but I know they loved each other dearly and were best friends. I also understand the world was very complicated and different back then. They never had any children of their own.