Yearly vacations with adult children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It will probably work better when they’re over 25. In general I would make sure they have a major say in the type of vacation. You could throw ideas out or a budget and brainstorm together. If the kids disagree alternate who gets final say. Also, make sure not to act like they should be overcome with gratitude! They will hopefully be polite of course but they are doing you a favor as much if not more than you are them (assuming you are paying.) -just got back from my 20th trip with husband’s family.

Expectations are kept low about how much or whether they can attend you all expenses paid vacation (due to work and time off commitments), don't expect them to be overly grateful (all fine so far), but adult children should have "a major say in the type of vacation" in an all expenses paid vacation and they're doing mom & dad a favor? Hope you're not my future DIL.

Yes, they should have a major say in their own vacation. Even if you pay because you're older and more financially established, it's still everyone's vacation. If you plan to hold the purse strings over their heads and treat it like a manipulative command performance, be sure to let them know upfront, so they can decline using their limited vacation time on you.

Glad as hell you're not my MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It will probably work better when they’re over 25. In general I would make sure they have a major say in the type of vacation. You could throw ideas out or a budget and brainstorm together. If the kids disagree alternate who gets final say. Also, make sure not to act like they should be overcome with gratitude! They will hopefully be polite of course but they are doing you a favor as much if not more than you are them (assuming you are paying.) -just got back from my 20th trip with husband’s family.

Expectations are kept low about how much or whether they can attend you all expenses paid vacation (due to work and time off commitments), don't expect them to be overly grateful (all fine so far), but adult children should have "a major say in the type of vacation" in an all expenses paid vacation and they're doing mom & dad a favor? Hope you're not my future DIL.

Sorry, MIL. You might want to adjust your 1950s housewife expectations. I work, and so do the majority of my friends. We are better off financially than my ILs. So there’s no purse strings to tie us down with.

If you want to propose a vacation that everyone seems interested in, great. If you only think of yourself and your own vacation preferences, you can save your “treat.”

We rarely travel with my ILs, who always want to stay in cheap places, pack coolers, etc. Vacations, to us, don’t involve bringing sheets and towels and hand soap and toilet paper. We invite them along with us sometimes, our treat, but not always. My MIL gets pouty when we don’t bend to her will of spending every second together, starting at 7 a.m.

Too bad, you want to be inflexible and expect never-ending gratitude? Good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man, I am jealous of all the people on this thread whose parents and in-laws pay for their joint vacations. My DH and I not only pay our own way but also pay for our parents/in-laws to go to a place we don’t want to go and stay in a place we don’t want to stay. Last group vacation, we shared a house that only had 2 bathrooms for 11 people. Ugh. I’m not a fan of big family vacations, but it would surely sweeten the deal to have all expenses paid for plus my own bathroom to use.

Honestly I just wouldn't go if I didn't like the location or accommodations, especially if I had to pay. I'm not high maintenance either, but I only get 3 weeks of annual leave a year. I can't spend one of them at Ocean City in October (when the hotels were cheaper!), freezing on the beach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I would like to begin a tradition of a yearly get away with our soon to be adult children. Our past vacations have been more road trip or travel abroads. We realize that with summer internships for our college aged children, these extended road trips aren’t realistic for the entire family anymore. I’m looking for ideas that have worked for you once your children have reached adulthood. Any ideas welcome.

When they're still pretty young (like early 20s), cool travel they can't yet afford would be appealing! I did trips like that with my parents -- international destinations and they paid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man, I am jealous of all the people on this thread whose parents and in-laws pay for their joint vacations. My DH and I not only pay our own way but also pay for our parents/in-laws to go to a place we don’t want to go and stay in a place we don’t want to stay. Last group vacation, we shared a house that only had 2 bathrooms for 11 people. Ugh. I’m not a fan of big family vacations, but it would surely sweeten the deal to have all expenses paid for plus my own bathroom to use.

Honestly I just wouldn't go if I didn't like the location or accommodations, especially if I had to pay. I'm not high maintenance either, but I only get 3 weeks of annual leave a year. I can't spend one of them at Ocean City in October (when the hotels were cheaper!), freezing on the beach.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It will probably work better when they’re over 25. In general I would make sure they have a major say in the type of vacation. You could throw ideas out or a budget and brainstorm together. If the kids disagree alternate who gets final say. Also, make sure not to act like they should be overcome with gratitude! They will hopefully be polite of course but they are doing you a favor as much if not more than you are them (assuming you are paying.) -just got back from my 20th trip with husband’s family.

Expectations are kept low about how much or whether they can attend you all expenses paid vacation (due to work and time off commitments), don't expect them to be overly grateful (all fine so far), but adult children should have "a major say in the type of vacation" in an all expenses paid vacation and they're doing mom & dad a favor? Hope you're not my future DIL.

Sorry, MIL. You might want to adjust your 1950s housewife expectations. I work, and so do the majority of my friends. We are better off financially than my ILs. So there’s no purse strings to tie us down with.

If you want to propose a vacation that everyone seems interested in, great. If you only think of yourself and your own vacation preferences, you can save your “treat.”

We rarely travel with my ILs, who always want to stay in cheap places, pack coolers, etc. Vacations, to us, don’t involve bringing sheets and towels and hand soap and toilet paper. We invite them along with us sometimes, our treat, but not always. My MIL gets pouty when we don’t bend to her will of spending every second together, starting at 7 a.m.

Too bad, you want to be inflexible and expect never-ending gratitude? Good luck with that.

+1

[Anonymous]

I’m surprised how many people vacation with their parents as adults with their own familes. Visit yes but we never travel with our parents or ILs and none of our friends do so either.

[Anonymous]

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/07/17/travel/multigenerational-family-vacation.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised how many people vacation with their parents as adults with their own familes. Visit yes but we never travel with our parents or ILs and none of our friends do so either.

We only started in the past few years, once kids were in their early teens. When they were little just visiting my parents and hanging out in their community was plenty. Once they got older we didn't necessarily want to use all that vacation time just to hang out at their house. So, we did house rentals in different places we wanted to go to and, one year for my parents' 50th anniversary, an Alaska cruise.

[Anonymous]

Personally I like vacationing with my parents or inlaws because they watch the kids and then DH and I get some time to ourselves and can sleep in. OP may get more of a response when her kids have kids of their own vs. when they are in their 20s and want to do twenty-something things.

Also vacations with my parents and inlaws tend to be laid back. No forced bonding, no feeling like we must all stay together all the time. Keep it low key, OP, and never ever make it an obligation.

[Anonymous]

In our early 20s, our parents took us along to the Caribbean, Florida beaches, Chicago, etc. In early 30s, beaches or lakes with young children. In 40s, kids were tweens, real trips: Alaska, Yellowstone, Israel. 50s, kids in college, they are older, it's tougher, esp now with Covid. We have a beach trip to OBX planned, each family in their own town home.

We are looking forward to doing the same with our soon to be young adult children!

[Anonymous]

My sister and I vacation with my parents every year. They always come up with the plan, but they check with us to make sure dates work and that it's something we're interested in and will work for our kids. When we were younger and kid-free it was more adventurous things...Europe, Asia. Now I have two little kids so it's usually just renting a big house somewhere near a beach. My parents pay for 90% - they are well off and older.

[Anonymous]

Curious if anyone's parents don't want to vacation and don't want to pay for trips because all their kids don't want to? My sister did not marry or have kids; she doesn't visit or talk to my parents. I married and have 3 kids and my parents are desperate to travel with my family. They feel guilty about it and won't pay for anything because my sister isn't also getting money. They also feel guilty vacationing with us because of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In our early 20s, our parents took us along to the Caribbean, Florida beaches, Chicago, etc. In early 30s, beaches or lakes with young children. In 40s, kids were tweens, real trips: Alaska, Yellowstone, Israel. 50s, kids in college, they are older, it's tougher, esp now with Covid. We have a beach trip to OBX planned, each family in their own town home.

We are looking forward to doing the same with our soon to be young adult children!

This sounds wonderful - a different, interesting place each time, plus their own space!

Agree with other PPs that our 20's were spent going to our (mostly my) friends weddings, which we were happy to do. Also agree on limited time off, at any age.

There are some good points made here, OP.

MIL chooses the same general area (not the same house or neighborhood, usually) every year, but only asks two people out of five where and when - which obviously, only works with two families out of five (ie: not a majority, by any stretch, and rather inconsiderate, rude and uncaring). What should (??) be a generous and unselfish gesture, turns into the opposite. Some years, MIL did bother to ask (not usually) and booked the unavailable times anyway, which is understandably hurtful.

Also agree with PPs who said that don't expect the invitees to be showing endless gratitude, as it is a sacrifice to make extra time, and difficult enough to arrange/spend time with their own nuclear family. If you want them there, act like it, and make time to spend equally with each group. If you do not, it shows, and that is really not the legacy you want. Ex: MIL would babysit for SIL but not other family members; weirdest of all, people would disappear in groups on outings (often all day or all night and lave people out, deliberately - but pretend it wasn't deliberate). It was obvious and hurtful. What's the point of inviting people to make them feel bad or less than? Turns out, it is how MIL treated that family member their whole lives, it was pretty sh&tty of her, frankly.

But I digress. Try to get a fair consensus, OP. I am sure you do not have ill intent.

[Anonymous]

I go on vacation with my husband’s family annually. There are 3 siblings with a 12 year age span. It started as a family vacation that the college and young adults still tagged along for while the youngest was home. Now it’s an annual week ah the beach in a very nice house they arrange and pay for. I think the key is to understand that not all of your kids will show up every year or stay the whole week. It’s the same week every year for us.

Once your kids have a spouse and children, please make sure everyone has their own room and a bed. If I am giving up a week of vacation to do something that was planned for me, I don’t want to share a room or sleep on a couch in a common area.

Once your kids have children, please be mindful of school calendars and the fact that parents in the DMV pay non-refundable deposits for camps in January and February. If you don’t pick your week over Thanksgiving, we won’t be there.