Reply to I feel very unappreciated as a mother

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My DH is great but one issue is that my to do list is TODAY's list and his to do list is this months. So I need to be very clear when something is a thing that he needs to do and when, as compared to something that I am going to do. He got in a bad habit of making everything a "we" and then I would do it because he hadn't gotten around to it yet. It's not intentional but the unintentional affect meant way more work for me and things just magically appearing or being done for him.[/quote]

OP here- yes to all of this. If I waited for DH to take care of certain things- they would get done in days, weeks, next month.

There is a lot of "we" need to do/buy this...and we ends up being me. Just as you said- its not intentional, but has resulted in way more work for me and things just being taken care of.[/quote]

I've gotten very blunt on "who is we?" every time it comes up. And making sure he understands that stuff like changing the HVAC filter, fine, keep that on the list for 3 weeks. But getting milk is a today requirement or I murder you in a coffee deprived rage.[/quote]

"Who is we?" is good.  Also, when he'd say things like "we should start looking to hotels for our trip" I used to start doing that.  Now I don't, and when he asks, I just profess complete innocence "oh I didn't know you wanted me to do that, why don't you look into it?"  I take on fewer tasks automatically, like automatically having a plan for dinner every day.  When he asks "what's for dinner?" I say "I don't know, you have anything in mind?"  I stop doing things like picking up underwear off the floor and including it in the wash.  If he doesn't have clean underwear, not my problem.  I don't join him in searching for things he can't find because he didn't put them away.

Am I a less helpful partner?  Yes, yes I am.  But otherwise I am a partner who takes on far more work that goes unnoticed and unappreciated.  It completely goes against how women are socialized -- to be helpful, to be a good team player, to pitch in.  It even feels unnatural to me.  But sometimes we need to take things back for ourselves.

And yes, he has improved somewhat since.  
[/quote]

OP here- YES to all of this. My nature (and that of my mom) is to be helpful, etc. I do so many things in a day that aren't on my to do list- just because i notice them and/or we have conditioned ourselves to just handle it.

Once my DH criticized me for the dishes that came out of the dishwasher. He says I'm lazy about not rinsing giving them a scrub before putting them in. I retorted back "So why don't you handle the dishes from now on, since you are better at it?"

He looked completely caught off guard and shocked.

And yet, the dishes pile up, and I end up loading the dishwasher 75% of the time. [/quote]

Honestly, he sounds like an ass. I do think you could perhaps help yourself feel less burdened by being less helpful (I’m the person that literally does not help with laundry while watching my tablet), but fundamentally this guy isn’t interested in being a contributing member of the household.[/quote]

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