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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op I definitely wrote lots of similar type laments on DCUM years ago, when my kids were little. Here's my perspective, with 9 and 11 year olds.

1) the baby/toddler/preschool years suck. If you can outsource, do it. They need constant surveillance and I figured out that DH could not be home with the kids and do anything else. like you think that during a nap he could wash bottles and tidy up but he would zone out on his phone, whereas I feel like I used every minute. But that was my mind racing with all the crap that we needed to do while he needed (wanted?) to chill out. More broadly, multi-tasking was not his strong suit and with little kids you are always doing it, or deciding that some chaos and mess is okay.Exampple  He would try to take them to the market and do a shop and would return home with the kids, the food, but having left our expensive stroller in the parking lot (yes, this happened more than once).

We fought a lot during this time over stupid stuff, which was just a reflection of each of us being tired, stressed and feeling underappreciated. He really did alot less than I did with the kids and around the house and we both worked. I also had strong ideas about what we needed to do for the kids, that he didn't necessarily thing was so critical....but these relaxed over the years. Its important when they are young that you are vigilant in the bath, that you watch them at the park, that you make sure they are eating well, getting their naps, doing the lessons, seeing the doctors on time, etc.  There is also a ton that you need to notice, because the kids wont verbalize for you. Frankly, our only survival mechanism was an amazing nanny (we ditched daycare when #2 was on the way) who basically managed what we were unable to do, which was watch our kids and keep things relatively calm in our home and help around the edges.

2) I stopped anticipating so much. I still do ALL the paperwork for schools, dentists, doctors, camps, activities, you name it. I still plan all the vacations , I still get all the clothes, i plan and oversee all renovations and finances (but he meets all household repair people and does small fixes himself).  I am the planner in our home. But DH participates more and more as he's less stressed with ittle kids and our lives are not as crazed. . I make an appointment but put it on his calendar, so he takes the kids to dentist, doctors, etc. I make a list of stuff we need but he shops. I declare that I am making dinner mon tue wed, but thurs and friday are on him. He knows by now that there has to be a vegetable but otherwise I dont comment if its pasta/ burgers/pasta/burgers.

3) honestly it gets easier because the kids become independent and can do a ton for themselves. that has been the biggest change. so I may do more, but we each have a smaller load. And DH is a lot better at parenting older kids.

The other issue I hear is about feeling unappreciated and small criticisms. I get it and I'm sorry to hear it. I think the early years are tough. We both kind of hated each other for a while. I thought at times we would divorce. We rarely fight now, at least over the stupid stuff.

In sum, my advice would be--back off, dont do so much, drop some of the resentment , not because its not justified but because it fills you with negativity and you dont need it. I also believe your DH knows /feels your resentment and thus is defensive and critical. Take some time for yourself. I always found an afternoon on my own--yoga and lunch with a friend--- put me in a much better mood and DH realized that too and made it happen. et some things go. Outsource other things if you can. Realize it will pass and what you're going through is common, and unfortunate, but not necessarily the way it has to or always will be. [/quote]

I agree with all of this.  I have a 7 and 10 yo.  Which basically says, yes, it is uncompletely unfair to you when the kids are young and the only real solution is the let up in the work (the kids growing up) rather than any fix that got my partner to help more.  I did hold onto resentment for a long time, and maybe still do, because I felt like I was drowning and someone who was supposed to love me and be my partner, just kind of shrugged and let it happen, but it's a lot better.  [/quote]

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