“It’s not my fault you guys got divorced!”

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar position -- and I'll take it to the grave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I refused to lie.

I always empathized with my kid, told him it was not his fault and I hated the situation too but him DAD decided to leave. I told him we'd make the best of it and not to worry about little things. When his Dad complained I told him all this was on him. I was consistent and relentless with this message.

I did not mention other people but my kid figured it out early.

Ex tries so hard, but our kid has his number. He no longer listens to any of his Dad's advice.

Ex will have another miserable Father's Day. Too bad, so sad.

You are too selfish to realize that you care more about causing pain to your ex than the fact that you decided to ensure that your kid would have a bad relationship with his father. That is the height of bad parenting.

[Anonymous]

I think you can acknowledge your kid's legitimate frustration without getting into the nitty gritty of the divorce.

"I know, honey, but the fact is we are divorced and that's not going to change. So let's figure out what we can do to help stay organized" or something to that effect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can acknowledge your kid's legitimate frustration without getting into the nitty gritty of the divorce.

"I know, honey, but the fact is we are divorced and that's not going to change. So let's figure out what we can do to help stay organized" or something to that effect.

This is good advice. I did once blow up and tell DS that I didn't want the divorce either, that I don't like it for kids, and that I understand how frustrating it must be to be going back and forth, worry about forgetting items, figuring out different styles, etc. and that I genuinely felt for him for that, but the reality is, this is our situation, it's not going to change, and we just need to make the best of it.

In hindsight, maybe I shouldn't have told DS that I didn't want the divorce, but I was really frustrated in the moment. That being said, I don't talk about his dad's cheating, how horrible he was to me toward the end of our marriage or any of that stuff, but DS seems to pick up on a lot of it through speaking to his dad, etc.

I think empathizing with them and validating their experience is very important, and if you're still hurting, it's very hard to separate that from wanting to tell them what happened. But bite your tongue for now--this is a conversation that could be helpful when they're older so they make better choices. But I think it's OK to say, I know this is not the easiest for you, and you're handling it so well. I'm sorry, this wasn't my first choice either, but here we are, let's make the best of it.

[Anonymous]

When you put down the father, you put down the child and their self esteem.

Never put down a child's parent. Never. Unless you are ok making them feel insecure so that you feel more secure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you put down the father, you put down the child and their self esteem.

Never put down a child's parent. Never. Unless you are ok making them feel insecure so that you feel more secure.

You don't need to put down the father, but you can just say that people change and dad wanted something different from the marriage you had. No reason for the OP to take the blame for a divorce she didn't want.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s perplexing that so many of you have this weird idea that if only your children knew the truth about their fathers, they’d be on your side. It’s kind of sad. And in reality doesn’t usually turn out like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s perplexing that so many of you have this weird idea that if only your children knew the truth about their fathers, they’d be on your side. It’s kind of sad. And in reality doesn’t usually turn out like that.

NP. I don't think it's a question about trying to get the kid on one's "side" but at an age-appropriate time, I think it is appropriate for a kid to receive key information like an affair, or some other major issue. Nothing is black and white, but considering what huge impact divorce has a kid's life, I think they are entitled to have that information. Not delivered as a weapon, but as information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you put down the father, you put down the child and their self esteem.

Never put down a child's parent. Never. Unless you are ok making them feel insecure so that you feel more secure.

NP. Not sure why communicating a fact that the father cheated and that is the reason for the divorce is putting down a child's parent If it is communicated without any additional details and without the drama associated with it, it's being honest. I feel like not saying something is akin to being secretive in this case. Of course, this should happen with older kids and that age is something that should be left to an individual as each child matures at a different age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s perplexing that so many of you have this weird idea that if only your children knew the truth about their fathers, they’d be on your side. It’s kind of sad. And in reality doesn’t usually turn out like that.

NP. I don't think it's a question about trying to get the kid on one's "side" but at an age-appropriate time, I think it is appropriate for a kid to receive key information like an affair, or some other major issue. Nothing is black and white, but considering what huge impact divorce has a kid's life, I think they are entitled to have that information. Not delivered as a weapon, but as information.

What relevance does information about an affair have to a child? I really don’t get what utility there is in the child knowing that. Marriages are complicated, adult matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s perplexing that so many of you have this weird idea that if only your children knew the truth about their fathers, they’d be on your side. It’s kind of sad. And in reality doesn’t usually turn out like that.

NP. I don't think it's a question about trying to get the kid on one's "side" but at an age-appropriate time, I think it is appropriate for a kid to receive key information like an affair, or some other major issue. Nothing is black and white, but considering what huge impact divorce has a kid's life, I think they are entitled to have that information. Not delivered as a weapon, but as information.

What relevance does information about an affair have to a child? I really don’t get what utility there is in the child knowing that. Marriages are complicated, adult matters.

Exactly. Just as the child shouldn't know that the marriage had been sexless for years before. None of the child's business. What is their business is that their parents love them, they aren't together anymore, they aren't going to be in the future, but that doesn't change how much they love them. And then the focus should be on what would make things easier on the child given the facts. Turning this into a "your other parent is bad" discussion is selfish and incredibly harmful to the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s perplexing that so many of you have this weird idea that if only your children knew the truth about their fathers, they’d be on your side. It’s kind of sad. And in reality doesn’t usually turn out like that.

NP. I don't think it's a question about trying to get the kid on one's "side" but at an age-appropriate time, I think it is appropriate for a kid to receive key information like an affair, or some other major issue. Nothing is black and white, but considering what huge impact divorce has a kid's life, I think they are entitled to have that information. Not delivered as a weapon, but as information.

What relevance does information about an affair have to a child? I really don’t get what utility there is in the child knowing that. Marriages are complicated, adult matters.

Exactly. Just as the child shouldn't know that the marriage had been sexless for years before. None of the child's business. What is their business is that their parents love them, they aren't together anymore, they aren't going to be in the future, but that doesn't change how much they love them. And then the focus should be on what would make things easier on the child given the facts. Turning this into a "your other parent is bad" discussion is selfish and incredibly harmful to the child.

I’m just struggling to understand why a kid needs to know this. For something like the child was adopted, or the other parent died or is in jail, etc.-I agree that is just basic factual information relevant to a child’s life. But the details of the problems in the parents marriage? Why does the child need to know that? If the child asks when they reach adulthood, I think it’s fine to share a bit more, but only if the now adult child is asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I refused to lie.

I always empathized with my kid, told him it was not his fault and I hated the situation too but him DAD decided to leave. I told him we'd make the best of it and not to worry about little things. When his Dad complained I told him all this was on him. I was consistent and relentless with this message.

I did not mention other people but my kid figured it out early.

Ex tries so hard, but our kid has his number. He no longer listens to any of his Dad's advice.

Ex will have another miserable Father's Day. Too bad, so sad.

You are too selfish to realize that you care more about causing pain to your ex than the fact that you decided to ensure that your kid would have a bad relationship with his father. That is the height of bad parenting.

Wrong! It’s not healthy for kids yo think relationships just end without a reason. They have a right to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s perplexing that so many of you have this weird idea that if only your children knew the truth about their fathers, they’d be on your side. It’s kind of sad. And in reality doesn’t usually turn out like that.

NP. I don't think it's a question about trying to get the kid on one's "side" but at an age-appropriate time, I think it is appropriate for a kid to receive key information like an affair, or some other major issue. Nothing is black and white, but considering what huge impact divorce has a kid's life, I think they are entitled to have that information. Not delivered as a weapon, but as information.

What relevance does information about an affair have to a child? I really don’t get what utility there is in the child knowing that. Marriages are complicated, adult matters.

Exactly. Just as the child shouldn't know that the marriage had been sexless for years before. None of the child's business. What is their business is that their parents love them, they aren't together anymore, they aren't going to be in the future, but that doesn't change how much they love them. And then the focus should be on what would make things easier on the child given the facts. Turning this into a "your other parent is bad" discussion is selfish and incredibly harmful to the child.

I’m just struggling to understand why a kid needs to know this. For something like the child was adopted, or the other parent died or is in jail, etc.-I agree that is just basic factual information relevant to a child’s life. But the details of the problems in the parents marriage? Why does the child need to know that? If the child asks when they reach adulthood, I think it’s fine to share a bit more, but only if the now adult child is asking.

Because kids need to know things don’t just end without a reason.

Your dad is in jail, your mom is in rehab, your dad is at his girlfriends, dad died of cancer, mom left for the mailman.

Kids have a right to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I refused to lie.

I always empathized with my kid, told him it was not his fault and I hated the situation too but him DAD decided to leave. I told him we'd make the best of it and not to worry about little things. When his Dad complained I told him all this was on him. I was consistent and relentless with this message.

I did not mention other people but my kid figured it out early.

Ex tries so hard, but our kid has his number. He no longer listens to any of his Dad's advice.

Ex will have another miserable Father's Day. Too bad, so sad.

You are too selfish to realize that you care more about causing pain to your ex than the fact that you decided to ensure that your kid would have a bad relationship with his father. That is the height of bad parenting.

Wrong! It’s not healthy for kids yo think relationships just end without a reason. They have a right to know.

You think the only reason your marriage ended is that your ex had an affair? You are clueless about life. And also a horrible parent.