“It’s not my fault you guys got divorced!”

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was 12. What I really wanted to hear and to know was that they saw the impact of their decisions on me and my life.
I think you should listen to the kid. Maybe what they really need to hear is not your justification for divorcing — but empathy for the impact of your adult decisions.

[Anonymous]

I know this is long, and OP you probably won’t read it, but it seems on point for your situation and I think worth the read:

https://therumpus.net/2010/08/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-47-the-reckoning/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You broke up his nuclear family. Yes, your husband cheated, but did you try to work it out? Did you show your child how you tried tooth and nail to hold your family together with glue and duct tape? He's telling you that you didn't try hard enough.

Not the OP, but as someone who’s been in this situation, it’s not always possible. Sometimes the one that cheated has decided to start a new life with the person they cheated with. You can’t really try when the other person has clearly moved on.

Exactly. You can't keep someone married to you when they don't want to be. And it's not your fault.

+1 Just spent the weekend with my SIL who got cheated on and dumped by her husband of 18 years. We all keep up the pretenses of not bashing her ex, but it's hard and I know she does take more blame than she deserves from her kids for the rotten situation. SIL deserves a few stars for heaven in my book.

[Anonymous]

My dad cheated on my mom, and then ended up marrying the woman he cheated with. She was the mother of our neighborhood playmates if you can believe it. I was also 12.

I always knew why my parents divorced. My mom told us repeatedly that she had no choice in the matter and wanted to stay married, but our dad refused.

For me at least, none of this was particularly interesting at the time and I didn’t really care why they divorced or who was at fault.

Now as an adult I’m even less interested, and as I’ve learned more about my parents marriage it just becomes more and more complex. There’s no clear good guy or bad guy, despite my dad openly admitting his infidelity. Yes, my dad cheated. But my mom also cheated too, she just hid it better. She reconciled with a high school boyfriend almost IMMEDIATELY after she and my dad separated and other relatives have told me their high school relationship never fully ended and she was seeing him all throughout my parent’s 15 year marriage. Is it true? Maybe. Maybe not. But it’s been 30 freaking years now and it really doesn’t matter who is at fault for the divorce at this point. I assume my parent’s marriage was a personal, complicated thing. They both married very young. I’ll never really know all the details nor do I want or need to.

My point is, even if you told your kid or he knew, and even when he comes to know later in life, it won’t make any difference. He will still be angry and frustrated with the situation and it will still suck for him. And don’t assume he’s going to be all that interested in the story of your marriage. Also don’t assume he will be on your side.

[Anonymous]

I don’t really see why the divorce happened as relevant here.

The kid is right no matter what.

It’s not his fault.

It’s very annoying to live in two places and have to shift things back and forth. Getting angry at him for missing things is not the way to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was 12. What I really wanted to hear and to know was that they saw the impact of their decisions on me and my life.
I think you should listen to the kid. Maybe what they really need to hear is not your justification for divorcing — but empathy for the impact of your adult decisions.

This x1000. I feel that way to this day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any chance at reconciling? despite divorce? I've known of couples who did, and eventually got remarried

None. Ex-spouse has fully moved on, nor do I want to knowing what I know now—the lies just keep coming.

No matter how bad he.is, do not badmouth him, as she will find out for herself what a SOB he is and then she will understand why you got a divorce.

[Anonymous]

OP here—an enormous thank you to everybody’s responses. Parenting is really a constant learning process, and these comments have really encouraged me to reframe my thinking. I’ve read a lot but the personal accounts of your experiences as children of divorced parents really hit home—I don’t know what I’d like but will strive to listen, support, and empathize.

PP who posted the long blog, thank you. I especially appreciated those points about finding an outlet to complain—for me today it was dcum, but it’s clear that finding this support in real life will help be a better mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you also say it isnt what you wanted either without assigning blame?

I’m sure this would be followed by a lot of “then why”’s, but if any of you have been there, done that have a different experience, I’d appreciate hearing how it went.

If it were me I would wait until he was older to tell the truth but, I think it is ok to say that Life sometimes doesn't turn out how you want and that the divorce isn't what you planned or wanted. But, that divorce is sometimes the best choice because it is worse living with someone who makes you unhappy ( this can also apply to op because obviously the spouse wasn't happy) Plus, I would get the kid into therapy so they can talk about it to a professional. I would say that as parents we love the kid but, couldn't get along and that is what makes op sad.

[Anonymous]

Maybe say that no one planned for things to turn out this way. And it must be very hard for him/her.

When life hands you a challenge, you have to figure out how to move forward. Does the child think counselling would help with that? Or does he/she want to have more of a voice in logistics/how parenting is shared?

This can't be made easy. Do what you can to take care of yourself. You have all been through a lot.

[Anonymous]

I would 100% not let DC think the divorce was my fault. If you say something you aren’t throwing your ex under the bus. He’s the one who screwed up!

I would say “I’m not going to go into details because it’s complicated but I didn’t want it either.” If DC pushes you can just be firm and say no.

I can only speak for myself here but as a child or divorce I hated that my parents wouldn’t talk about why it happened. It was so confusing and I felt like they thought I was too young and dumb to be trusted with the information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I refused to lie.

I always empathized with my kid, told him it was not his fault and I hated the situation too but him DAD decided to leave. I told him we'd make the best of it and not to worry about little things. When his Dad complained I told him all this was on him. I was consistent and relentless with this message.

I did not mention other people but my kid figured it out early.

Ex tries so hard, but our kid has his number. He no longer listens to any of his Dad's advice.

Ex will have another miserable Father's Day. Too bad, so sad.

I think you placed a lot of burden on your child. Your refusal to lie meant that you contributed to the schism between father and son. Doing that while you son was still a minor was not fair. Just because you were wronged, does not make it right to pass that on to your child. I posted above that I think you should wait until the child graduates from college and becomes independent and then all bets are off and you are welcome to tell the whole story to your son. But let the kid grow up with both a father and a mother. While what your ex did to you was heinous, you still owe it to your child to let him grow up and mature as healthy as possible. Losing his father due to the cheating and divorce just makes him more at risk to grow up with emotional problems that he is not going to be able to handle himself. Once he is grown and independent, then he can learn the story and cut of his father. I just think it is extremely selfish to have the attitude that you have and that you are taking your revenge for your husband's cheating out on your child.

There was another poster who was in this situation who was told at 17 and they agreed with me and felt that it was an undue burden to be placed on them at that age. So even as a young adult, having the burden of one parents infidelity and the cause of their parents' divorce was a difficult emotional burden to carry while trying to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad cheated on my mom, and then ended up marrying the woman he cheated with. She was the mother of our neighborhood playmates if you can believe it. I was also 12.

I always knew why my parents divorced. My mom told us repeatedly that she had no choice in the matter and wanted to stay married, but our dad refused.

For me at least, none of this was particularly interesting at the time and I didn’t really care why they divorced or who was at fault.

Now as an adult I’m even less interested, and as I’ve learned more about my parents marriage it just becomes more and more complex. There’s no clear good guy or bad guy, despite my dad openly admitting his infidelity. Yes, my dad cheated. But my mom also cheated too, she just hid it better. She reconciled with a high school boyfriend almost IMMEDIATELY after she and my dad separated and other relatives have told me their high school relationship never fully ended and she was seeing him all throughout my parent’s 15 year marriage. Is it true? Maybe. Maybe not. But it’s been 30 freaking years now and it really doesn’t matter who is at fault for the divorce at this point. I assume my parent’s marriage was a personal, complicated thing. They both married very young. I’ll never really know all the details nor do I want or need to.

My point is, even if you told your kid or he knew, and even when he comes to know later in life, it won’t make any difference. He will still be angry and frustrated with the situation and it will still suck for him. And don’t assume he’s going to be all that interested in the story of your marriage. Also don’t assume he will be on your side.

You make some good points but this is a *very* different set of facts. I hope OP knows that your feelings don’t really apply to her situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I refused to lie.

I always empathized with my kid, told him it was not his fault and I hated the situation too but him DAD decided to leave. I told him we'd make the best of it and not to worry about little things. When his Dad complained I told him all this was on him. I was consistent and relentless with this message.

I did not mention other people but my kid figured it out early.

Ex tries so hard, but our kid has his number. He no longer listens to any of his Dad's advice.

Ex will have another miserable Father's Day. Too bad, so sad.

I think you placed a lot of burden on your child. Your refusal to lie meant that you contributed to the schism between father and son. Doing that while you son was still a minor was not fair. Just because you were wronged, does not make it right to pass that on to your child. I posted above that I think you should wait until the child graduates from college and becomes independent and then all bets are off and you are welcome to tell the whole story to your son. But let the kid grow up with both a father and a mother. While what your ex did to you was heinous, you still owe it to your child to let him grow up and mature as healthy as possible. Losing his father due to the cheating and divorce just makes him more at risk to grow up with emotional problems that he is not going to be able to handle himself. Once he is grown and independent, then he can learn the story and cut of his father. I just think it is extremely selfish to have the attitude that you have and that you are taking your revenge for your husband's cheating out on your child.

There was another poster who was in this situation who was told at 17 and they agreed with me and felt that it was an undue burden to be placed on them at that age. So even as a young adult, having the burden of one parents infidelity and the cause of their parents' divorce was a difficult emotional burden to carry while trying to grow up.

Disagree. It was the one who cheated who placed the undue burden on the child.

Obviously parents have to be careful to not say mean things about the parents of their children in front of those children. But that doesn’t mean they have to lie. I don’t think that’s better for the kids.

And Maybe you wouldn’t want to have known but as a kid I know I would have.

[Anonymous]

You chose a poor spouse. Your child suffers for it. Your child is absolutely correct.

I say this as both someone who is divorce and whose parents are divorced. It is not my role to protect them from the truth.