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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Your marriage is not in a better place.  Stop kidding yourself.[/quote]

Yes I agree. Maybe they need to stay with their spouse because of kids and finances. I get that. However, it won't ever be a real marriage. It's been contaminated and dirtied to the point there's no recovery.  If a victim has to stay for whatever reason, I would move on but consider them my roommate going forward. I wouldn't tell them either, much like they didn't tell you your marriage was fake all along. If you can at some point get out then do so, but there's no marriage at this point.[/quote]

I really don't think you can say a 20-year marriage, and most likely longer relationship from time they met was fake with a 1-month affair midlife.  People do weird things in midlife, usually having to do with internal conflict and trauma, which is really outside the norm of their usual behavior.

Not all marriages are the same.  Not all people are the same.

If it was a good relationship and happy marriage and family prior, if the betrayed shows serious remorse and does the work, it's not worth throwing everything away.

Unless you have been in a two decade long marriage with kids AND experienced this, you have no idea.  Everyone says 'I would throw him/her' to the curb.  Everyone.  The reality of the situation is very different when it happens.  [/quote]

There are so many, SOOOO many who have been through this in the 20+ marriage category.  65%, and some don't even know it!

A lot of the marriages you think so highly of on the outside, just might have this secret.  People rarely talk to others about it.  One of the marriages I admired the most, just two great people that you can tell are deeply in love (not the fake social media type), the one they support and talk to one another and look at one another...shocked to find out 10 years later--that one of them had a midlife affair--wife confided in me.[/quote]

Why do you think the wife told you that?

It's still pretty stupid to claim an affair made your marriage better.[/quote]

I mentioned how great her marriage was when we were having other issues (not infidelity).  Her point was every long marriage has something.  She is very happy and said he did a ton of therapy and they still see a counselor once a month or so and communicate and love so much better now.

Living with resentment and hidden issues and non-authentically like a lot of 'stay together for the kids' where they openly despise one another or never have sex, merely to avoid divorce stigma...like A LOT OF marriages approaching empty nest... or take it down to the studs and rebuild.  Sometimes people would never have gotten there without the marriage hitting absolute rock bottom...and an affair is certainly rock bottom.[/quote]

No one said to despise anyone. It simply won't be the same for the cheated on spouse. There are also many co-dependent spouses that will stay because they are in a cycle of bad behavior, and they continue to excuse it. Whatever the outcome, stay or leave I would advocate moving on mentally and making oneself happy. [/quote]

Except what you are proposing doesn’t lead to happiness or peace. Radical acceptance, recovery, and forgiveness are the path to true happiness. You get to a place where the affair no longer has an emotion hold on you.  Acceptance creates an environment where the affair is just another fact in your history. Like an address, vacation, or death in the family. It just is an event. It no longer holds power. And forgiveness releases the cheater from owing you anything more. You also forgive yourself (for thoughts that you weren’t good enough, beautiful enough, sexy enough, naive to not detect the affair). Then you can love again. It’s a clean slate. Staying angry and detached to pay back and punish your spouse will leave you stuck in resentment. That’s not a road to happiness. [/quote]

NP here. Why would forgiving the cheater mean you they don’t owe you anything anymore? I suppose I don’t like the idea of “owing” somebody anything in the context of a relationship where everything given should be freely given out of love, but I just don’t understand your statement. It sounds like you’re saying that cheaters should just be let off the hook instead of being held accountable.

And why would you say that being angry and detached had anything to do with paying back your spouse? I mean, it might, but I don’t see anybody advocating that.

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