As a child of a narcissistic parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve been in the friend in this situation.

Please remember—that person has their own relationship with your mom! Saying “I wish she were my mom” can just be a clumsy way of saying “I so value the relationship I have with her, which has been meaningful and wonderful for me.”

As I’m sure you know, narcissists can be wonderful friends on a superficial level. And sometimes that’s really wonderful to have around, and could even help you through hard times.

Try not to frame it as putting something on you (“you should feel grateful”) but instead that person expressing their own experience which has very little to do with yours.

Wow, this is heinous and is clearly coming from someone who has no clue what she is talking about and ZERO clue about narcissistic abuse and how horrible and evil and destructive it is.

If I had a "friend" like you, I would cut that friendship off at the first inkling of the BS you are spewing. You are only contributing to the abuse.

Narcissists are not "wonderful", on any level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Learn to let it go and work on your own inner child wounding and how to self-validate from an internal versus an external focus.

Part of the reason this is so triggering to hear how others perceive the narcissistic parent is because it reminds the inner child of the times it was wronged. As you work on self it will actually trigger you less and less. To the point where there is actually acceptance and understanding of a perspective that sees your parents as great. This is the true experience of others and it doesn’t negate your experience, it is just different. Different people can have different experiences of an individual. Your experience is valid and you don’t need other agreement or validity to have it. Also, you do not need other seemingly contradictory experiences to be invalid for yours to be valid.

I hope this makes sense. I understand where you are coming from. I am doing and have done much of the same work myself. You want to be free to really move on. The power lies within you, not with others.

Thank you. This actually REALLY helps me deal with a former friend who betrayed me in a very hurtful way and blamed me for it. I have come to realize she does have some sort of personality disorder/sociopathy but she's also a community leader. I have had a very hard time reconciling what I and a few others know of her vs. her public/surface image. I know the ability to move on and not let her affect me lies WITHIN me, so this perspective helps.

PP here. I’m so glad it helps. Keep going. Trust yourself. When you are really wrestling the inner demons instead of “fighting back”, try and befriend and offer compassion to the panicking and anxious inner voices. It is often your younger self wrestling with feeling abandoned. You can reparent yourself. Reach in and let her know she is ok, she is loved, she is SAFE. Give her the words that you wish she had had way back when. It is possible to heal these wounds. You are the person, the parent, you have been waiting for. I will often literally allow myself to replay the painful memory in my mind, but then at the end when I’ve been out down, hurt and abandoned, I envision myself walking into the room or into the scene. I swoop down and pick myself up and give my child self the biggest hug and offer her the words I desperately longed for. It is amazing the emotions that come through. Wishing you the best -

[Anonymous]

*i envision my ADULT self go in and be with my childhood self.

[Anonymous]

I have a weird experience where my narcissistic father is also sort of famous. My entire life people have gushed to me about his work.

No advice but I’m 36 and still unpacking this all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve been in the friend in this situation.

Please remember—that person has their own relationship with your mom! Saying “I wish she were my mom” can just be a clumsy way of saying “I so value the relationship I have with her, which has been meaningful and wonderful for me.”

As I’m sure you know, narcissists can be wonderful friends on a superficial level. And sometimes that’s really wonderful to have around, and could even help you through hard times.

Try not to frame it as putting something on you (“you should feel grateful”) but instead that person expressing their own experience which has very little to do with yours.

This. Your mom can be a terrible parent and a charming neighbor. My mom was terrific in small doses. It’s her close relationships that suffered.

I just smiled and said “Thank you.”

[Anonymous]

About 10- 15% of people have a personality disorder. It’s common.

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9636-personality-disorders-overview

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/news/20040804/personality-disorders-affect-15-of-americans

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone experiences this - "I love your mom!" etc. whereas you know real person behind closed doors. It's nothing special. The fact that you think your experience is special, and that you are posting here like it's a competition of you vs. mom, when will you win and she be found out, indicates you too may have narcissistic traits.

That's what I was thinking.

NP here with a narcissist parent. I think this downplays the types of things that happen. For example, my father went to the same university as me and was an engaged alumnus, always there for events and stuff. He would show up unannounced at my dorm sometimes to say hello, and would end up saying absolutely horrible things to me (like I was a failure and an embarrassment and ruined his life by being so pathetic, etc). I’d be so upset I couldn’t eat or sleep or study for days. And later the day or weekend of his visit I’d see someone on campus who knew him, and they’d say “ I saw your dad at the alumni such and such today. He is so proud of you, he went on and on about your [studies, sports, etc].” Total mind f**k.

30 years later, he is unwell and needs a lot of care. My sibling lives in the same town and spends countless hours bringing groceries and ferrying him to doctors appointments and mowing his lawn, and every now and then he will accuse my sibling of not being there for him when he’s in need.

Anyway, OP, I agree with the PP that this is really about you and not the people who don’t seem to know any better. It took a lot of therapy, and mourning the father I never had, to not let these conversations get to me. I just smile and nod at those people (although I like PP‘s suggestion to smile and say “I’m glad you’ve had a good experience with them”) But it isn’t worth trying to correct these peoples opinions. Just take care of yourself and detach from it. That said, whenever I see posts here or a dear Abby type letters from people who think a child has cut off a parent for no reason, I always side with the kid and I assume there is something like this that the poster doesn’t see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just have to come to terms with the fact that reality and perception are different with a narcissist. I’m getting there at almost 40. Also, I’m less inclined to cover for my mom. I used to let the misconceptions ride because who wants to bad mouth their mom. But also as I’ve gotten older, I’m more inclined to tell the truth when someone says “oh your mom is so nice, I wish I had your mom” or “your mom seems like such a great grandma” when the reality is one Mother’s Day, she complained about my gift and refused to wish me happy Mother’s Day ... or that she hasn’t asked to spend any one on one time with DD in years.

It’s hard OP.

I had sort of a similar experience with my MIL after she died. We hardly ever saw her while she was alive. Several times I drove (or flew) out to see her with the kids, and she would be too busy to see us. She only came out to visit a few times (when she first started dating her husband).
When she died, we went to her funeral, and there were dozens of framed pictures of my children around the room that she had printed from Facebook or text messages that I had sent her. She was even buried with photographs of my children.
Many, many of her friends asked why we didn't bring them to her funeral, and I am SO GLAD that we didn't. They were in early elementary school at the time, and old enough to know that they didn't know her, but not old enough to know that they shouldn't say anything.

[Anonymous]

OP I am in a similar situation with my mother. It's made worse that I am not her golden child. My mom is well know and beloved in her former profession and is sort of an icon in our ethnic group. I used to react when people would gush about how she must be the best mom and tell them she isn't blah blah. The only one that came out looking bad was me. I’ve stopped reacting and am in therapy. Her healthy is declining and the outpouring from people is increasing. Therapy and acceptance helps. It still sucks but if you are a parent yourself you know are aware of this behavior and likely won’t be the same with your family.