As a child of a narcissistic parent

[Anonymous]

It's really hard to deal with this...

I've been NC for about 2 years now. Most people think my mom is an amazing person and clearly I must be the one with the problem (even my siblings, her flying monkeys). But the few people she's let her guard down around know exactly what I'm dealing with, including my husband, a few relatives and some of my close friends that I grew up with. It's easy to suggest that I should just stop caring about what other people think, and I really want to do that, but it's hard when she uses her image to actively try and get people to reach out to me and get me to talk to her again. She's reached out to some of my friends, relatives, clergy, neighbors....anyone she can tell her "woe is me" story to and then get them to reason with me on her behalf. Most people turn her down and don't want to get involved but some people do take the bait. It's exhausting and really crosses the line. She's even had people get their kids to message my kids...although I'm pretty sure those young kids weren't writing those messages by themselves or perhaps at all. I'm just hoping she gets bored with this tactic and stops at some point in the near future.

[Anonymous]

I have come to realize that people in different spheres of my mother’s life have very different experiences of her. She was a wonderful college professor - 40 years later, some of her students are still in touch with her. She was a wonderful museum and nature center docent in her retirement. AND she was a terrible mother.

As far as what to say when someone gushes about her, I try to just not respond - sometimes that works - the conversation moves on without any comment from me. If I can’t get away without responding, I say “people in different spheres of her life have very different experiences with her”. I find that usually the conversation has moved on by the time they work out what I mean by that.

I can’t lie - too much psychic energy is wasted by that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve been in the friend in this situation.

Please remember—that person has their own relationship with your mom! Saying “I wish she were my mom” can just be a clumsy way of saying “I so value the relationship I have with her, which has been meaningful and wonderful for me.”

As I’m sure you know, narcissists can be wonderful friends on a superficial level. And sometimes that’s really wonderful to have around, and could even help you through hard times.

Try not to frame it as putting something on you (“you should feel grateful”) but instead that person expressing their own experience which has very little to do with yours.

I'm sure you mean to be helpful pp, but comments like yours are not helpful. and downright gaslighting to someone dealing with narcissistic abuse. You are in fact participating in the narcissist cycle of abuse by telling OP to remember that narcissists can be good and helpful and really your problem with her mother are your own

First of all, it’s none of that. The question was, how to deal. The answer is, stop taking these comments as instructions on how OP should feel about her parent and re-frame them as that person’s own experience that has nothing to do with her and is not a demand on her at all.

Actually it's exactly what it is. You are in the wrong. Accept it , and learn from it instead of digging in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve been in the friend in this situation.

Please remember—that person has their own relationship with your mom! Saying “I wish she were my mom” can just be a clumsy way of saying “I so value the relationship I have with her, which has been meaningful and wonderful for me.”

As I’m sure you know, narcissists can be wonderful friends on a superficial level. And sometimes that’s really wonderful to have around, and could even help you through hard times.

Try not to frame it as putting something on you (“you should feel grateful”) but instead that person expressing their own experience which has very little to do with yours.

I'm sure you mean to be helpful pp, but comments like yours are not helpful. and downright gaslighting to someone dealing with narcissistic abuse. You are in fact participating in the narcissist cycle of abuse by telling OP to remember that narcissists can be good and helpful and really your problem with her mother are your own

First of all, it’s none of that. The question was, how to deal. The answer is, stop taking these comments as instructions on how OP should feel about her parent and re-frame them as that person’s own experience that has nothing to do with her and is not a demand on her at all.

Actually it's exactly what it is. You are in the wrong. Accept it , and learn from it instead of digging in.

No, you are wrong. It is not “gaslighting” or participating in a cycle of abuse for someone to have their own relationship with the narcissist that serves that person and their innocent comments are NOT an attack on the victim. It’s their own expression of their own relationship. And that is how to deal. Accept that the commenter has their own relationship and is not attacking you.

[Anonymous]

Everyone experiences this - "I love your mom!" etc. whereas you know real person behind closed doors. It's nothing special. The fact that you think your experience is special, and that you are posting here like it's a competition of you vs. mom, when will you win and she be found out, indicates you too may have narcissistic traits.

[Anonymous]

Learn to let it go and work on your own inner child wounding and how to self-validate from an internal versus an external focus.

Part of the reason this is so triggering to hear how others perceive the narcissistic parent is because it reminds the inner child of the times it was wronged. As you work on self it will actually trigger you less and less. To the point where there is actually acceptance and understanding of a perspective that sees your parents as great. This is the true experience of others and it doesn’t negate your experience, it is just different. Different people can have different experiences of an individual. Your experience is valid and you don’t need other agreement or validity to have it. Also, you do not need other seemingly contradictory experiences to be invalid for yours to be valid.

I hope this makes sense. I understand where you are coming from. I am doing and have done much of the same work myself. You want to be free to really move on. The power lies within you, not with others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve been in the friend in this situation.

Please remember—that person has their own relationship with your mom! Saying “I wish she were my mom” can just be a clumsy way of saying “I so value the relationship I have with her, which has been meaningful and wonderful for me.”

As I’m sure you know, narcissists can be wonderful friends on a superficial level. And sometimes that’s really wonderful to have around, and could even help you through hard times.

Try not to frame it as putting something on you (“you should feel grateful”) but instead that person expressing their own experience which has very little to do with yours.

I'm sure you mean to be helpful pp, but comments like yours are not helpful. and downright gaslighting to someone dealing with narcissistic abuse. You are in fact participating in the narcissist cycle of abuse by telling OP to remember that narcissists can be good and helpful and really your problem with her mother are your own

First of all, it’s none of that. The question was, how to deal. The answer is, stop taking these comments as instructions on how OP should feel about her parent and re-frame them as that person’s own experience that has nothing to do with her and is not a demand on her at all.

Actually it's exactly what it is. You are in the wrong. Accept it , and learn from it instead of digging in.

No, you are wrong. It is not “gaslighting” or participating in a cycle of abuse for someone to have their own relationship with the narcissist that serves that person and their innocent comments are NOT an attack on the victim. It’s their own expression of their own relationship. And that is how to deal. Accept that the commenter has their own relationship and is not attacking you.

You are wrong. Period. Full stop. You comment was out od order. That you continue digging in is even worse. I pity your friends with narcissistic parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone experiences this - "I love your mom!" etc. whereas you know real person behind closed doors. It's nothing special. The fact that you think your experience is special, and that you are posting here like it's a competition of you vs. mom, when will you win and she be found out, indicates you too may have narcissistic traits.

You are also wrong and completely off base. Actually, not everyone experiences this. Please join the other poster in educating yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve been in the friend in this situation.

Please remember—that person has their own relationship with your mom! Saying “I wish she were my mom” can just be a clumsy way of saying “I so value the relationship I have with her, which has been meaningful and wonderful for me.”

As I’m sure you know, narcissists can be wonderful friends on a superficial level. And sometimes that’s really wonderful to have around, and could even help you through hard times.

Try not to frame it as putting something on you (“you should feel grateful”) but instead that person expressing their own experience which has very little to do with yours.

I'm sure you mean to be helpful pp, but comments like yours are not helpful. and downright gaslighting to someone dealing with narcissistic abuse. You are in fact participating in the narcissist cycle of abuse by telling OP to remember that narcissists can be good and helpful and really your problem with her mother are your own

First of all, it’s none of that. The question was, how to deal. The answer is, stop taking these comments as instructions on how OP should feel about her parent and re-frame them as that person’s own experience that has nothing to do with her and is not a demand on her at all.

Actually it's exactly what it is. You are in the wrong. Accept it , and learn from it instead of digging in.

No, you are wrong. It is not “gaslighting” or participating in a cycle of abuse for someone to have their own relationship with the narcissist that serves that person and their innocent comments are NOT an attack on the victim. It’s their own expression of their own relationship. And that is how to deal. Accept that the commenter has their own relationship and is not attacking you.

You are wrong. Period. Full stop. You comment was out od order. That you continue digging in is even worse. I pity your friends with narcissistic parents.

Lady you need a lot more therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve been in the friend in this situation.

Please remember—that person has their own relationship with your mom! Saying “I wish she were my mom” can just be a clumsy way of saying “I so value the relationship I have with her, which has been meaningful and wonderful for me.”

As I’m sure you know, narcissists can be wonderful friends on a superficial level. And sometimes that’s really wonderful to have around, and could even help you through hard times.

Try not to frame it as putting something on you (“you should feel grateful”) but instead that person expressing their own experience which has very little to do with yours.

I'm sure you mean to be helpful pp, but comments like yours are not helpful. and downright gaslighting to someone dealing with narcissistic abuse. You are in fact participating in the narcissist cycle of abuse by telling OP to remember that narcissists can be good and helpful and really your problem with her mother are your own

First of all, it’s none of that. The question was, how to deal. The answer is, stop taking these comments as instructions on how OP should feel about her parent and re-frame them as that person’s own experience that has nothing to do with her and is not a demand on her at all.

Actually it's exactly what it is. You are in the wrong. Accept it , and learn from it instead of digging in.

No, you are wrong. It is not “gaslighting” or participating in a cycle of abuse for someone to have their own relationship with the narcissist that serves that person and their innocent comments are NOT an attack on the victim. It’s their own expression of their own relationship. And that is how to deal. Accept that the commenter has their own relationship and is not attacking you.

You are wrong. Period. Full stop. You comment was out od order. That you continue digging in is even worse. I pity your friends with narcissistic parents.

Lady you need a lot more therapy.

OK, pp would you make this remarks to a person who said their parents beat them as a child? What about a wife and her abusive ex? would you say that's your experience with them and mine has just been great they were a good friend, and really ou need to seperate the experiences. No because you would be an asshole. It's the same thing here.

[Anonymous]

yeah, I have no interest in having any kind of relationship, even if they are nice to me, with someone who abuses and/or mistreats their family, or anyone else. I don't need people like that in my social circle, and if I discover this about someone, then I cannot thing positive things about them anymore. Jesus, this is basic empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve been in the friend in this situation.

Please remember—that person has their own relationship with your mom! Saying “I wish she were my mom” can just be a clumsy way of saying “I so value the relationship I have with her, which has been meaningful and wonderful for me.”

As I’m sure you know, narcissists can be wonderful friends on a superficial level. And sometimes that’s really wonderful to have around, and could even help you through hard times.

Try not to frame it as putting something on you (“you should feel grateful”) but instead that person expressing their own experience which has very little to do with yours.

I'm sure you mean to be helpful pp, but comments like yours are not helpful. and downright gaslighting to someone dealing with narcissistic abuse. You are in fact participating in the narcissist cycle of abuse by telling OP to remember that narcissists can be good and helpful and really your problem with her mother are your own

First of all, it’s none of that. The question was, how to deal. The answer is, stop taking these comments as instructions on how OP should feel about her parent and re-frame them as that person’s own experience that has nothing to do with her and is not a demand on her at all.

Actually it's exactly what it is. You are in the wrong. Accept it , and learn from it instead of digging in.

No, you are wrong. It is not “gaslighting” or participating in a cycle of abuse for someone to have their own relationship with the narcissist that serves that person and their innocent comments are NOT an attack on the victim. It’s their own expression of their own relationship. And that is how to deal. Accept that the commenter has their own relationship and is not attacking you.

You are wrong. Period. Full stop. You comment was out od order. That you continue digging in is even worse. I pity your friends with narcissistic parents.

Lady you need a lot more therapy.

OK, pp would you make this remarks to a person who said their parents beat them as a child? What about a wife and her abusive ex? would you say that's your experience with them and mine has just been great they were a good friend, and really ou need to seperate the experiences. No because you would be an asshole. It's the same thing here.

THIS EXACTLY. I don't care how nice the wife beater is to the next door neighbor. He is still an abuser. The narc parent is an abuser and the entire game is making everyone else in the world think the narc is perfect so that the target of the abuse is alone on an island with no option but to deal with the narc abuser.

Every time you go down this path of thinking - seriously stop yourself and imagine that the narc parent is physically abusive and then treat your friend who is the target of the narc abuser accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve been in the friend in this situation.

Please remember—that person has their own relationship with your mom! Saying “I wish she were my mom” can just be a clumsy way of saying “I so value the relationship I have with her, which has been meaningful and wonderful for me.”

As I’m sure you know, narcissists can be wonderful friends on a superficial level. And sometimes that’s really wonderful to have around, and could even help you through hard times.

Try not to frame it as putting something on you (“you should feel grateful”) but instead that person expressing their own experience which has very little to do with yours.

I'm sure you mean to be helpful pp, but comments like yours are not helpful. and downright gaslighting to someone dealing with narcissistic abuse. You are in fact participating in the narcissist cycle of abuse by telling OP to remember that narcissists can be good and helpful and really your problem with her mother are your own

+1 Exactly.

x100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone experiences this - "I love your mom!" etc. whereas you know real person behind closed doors. It's nothing special. The fact that you think your experience is special, and that you are posting here like it's a competition of you vs. mom, when will you win and she be found out, indicates you too may have narcissistic traits.

That's what I was thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve been in the friend in this situation.

Please remember—that person has their own relationship with your mom! Saying “I wish she were my mom” can just be a clumsy way of saying “I so value the relationship I have with her, which has been meaningful and wonderful for me.”

As I’m sure you know, narcissists can be wonderful friends on a superficial level. And sometimes that’s really wonderful to have around, and could even help you through hard times.

Try not to frame it as putting something on you (“you should feel grateful”) but instead that person expressing their own experience which has very little to do with yours.

I'm sure you mean to be helpful pp, but comments like yours are not helpful. and downright gaslighting to someone dealing with narcissistic abuse. You are in fact participating in the narcissist cycle of abuse by telling OP to remember that narcissists can be good and helpful and really your problem with her mother are your own

I agree. That previous poster is perfectly describing the “flying monkeys” that narcissists employ to their advantage. Google it. They are the fringe relationships the narcissists keep up their sleeve for validation. These people have no idea they’re being used.