As a child of a narcissistic parent

[Anonymous]

How do you deal with people thinking your parent is just the greatest?

[Anonymous]

You just have to come to terms with the fact that reality and perception are different with a narcissist. I’m getting there at almost 40. Also, I’m less inclined to cover for my mom. I used to let the misconceptions ride because who wants to bad mouth their mom. But also as I’ve gotten older, I’m more inclined to tell the truth when someone says “oh your mom is so nice, I wish I had your mom” or “your mom seems like such a great grandma” when the reality is one Mother’s Day, she complained about my gift and refused to wish me happy Mother’s Day ... or that she hasn’t asked to spend any one on one time with DD in years.

It’s hard OP.

[Anonymous]

I am like the PP above - I just let her be. I used to cover and now just don't have the energy. I am almost 50.

I met up with my parents the other day and my mom got all pissy about something. Walked separate from the rest of us. When it came time to leave, she disappeared without saying goodbye. It's one thing if it's me but she did it to my son, too, her grandson. It's just exhausting. I don't know why I try so hard sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just have to come to terms with the fact that reality and perception are different with a narcissist. I’m getting there at almost 40. Also, I’m less inclined to cover for my mom. I used to let the misconceptions ride because who wants to bad mouth their mom. But also as I’ve gotten older, I’m more inclined to tell the truth when someone says “oh your mom is so nice, I wish I had your mom” or “your mom seems like such a great grandma” when the reality is one Mother’s Day, she complained about my gift and refused to wish me happy Mother’s Day ... or that she hasn’t asked to spend any one on one time with DD in years.

It’s hard OP.

OP here. This is the part I struggle with the most. To the world and her church friends this is how she appears, but within the family, it's an entirely different story. I really just want to blow her cover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You just have to come to terms with the fact that reality and perception are different with a narcissist. I’m getting there at almost 40. Also, I’m less inclined to cover for my mom. I used to let the misconceptions ride because who wants to bad mouth their mom. But also as I’ve gotten older, I’m more inclined to tell the truth when someone says “oh your mom is so nice, I wish I had your mom” or “your mom seems like such a great grandma” when the reality is one Mother’s Day, she complained about my gift and refused to wish me happy Mother’s Day ... or that she hasn’t asked to spend any one on one time with DD in years.

It’s hard OP.

OP here. This is the part I struggle with the most. To the world and her church friends this is how she appears, but within the family, it's an entirely different story. I really just want to blow her cover.

People will figure it out if they get close to her. Some people may have already figured it out.

[Anonymous]

I am dealing with with aging narcissist mother and let me tell you, when they lose their looks and other powers and their filters it is quite fascinating. I still get the occasional "your mom is the BEST" and I learned from y therapist to say "I am glad you had a good experience with her." However, especially when I take a break from her after a tantrum, her narcissist rage comes out on others and they are just floored. My mother had so many friends both on her own and in couples she would see with my dad and it is amazing how many of them have distanced themselves. Nothing was more than superficial I suppose.

I too used to be tempted to blow her cover. I don't tell the truth to anyone, but close friends and my husband, but I don't play her games either. She is OBSESSED with keeping up appearances and I will jump through hoops and be at her beckon call to impress others.

[Anonymous]

I meant I will NOT be at her beckon call

[Anonymous]

OP, I’ve been in the friend in this situation.

Please remember—that person has their own relationship with your mom! Saying “I wish she were my mom” can just be a clumsy way of saying “I so value the relationship I have with her, which has been meaningful and wonderful for me.”

As I’m sure you know, narcissists can be wonderful friends on a superficial level. And sometimes that’s really wonderful to have around, and could even help you through hard times.

Try not to frame it as putting something on you (“you should feel grateful”) but instead that person expressing their own experience which has very little to do with yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve been in the friend in this situation.

Please remember—that person has their own relationship with your mom! Saying “I wish she were my mom” can just be a clumsy way of saying “I so value the relationship I have with her, which has been meaningful and wonderful for me.”

As I’m sure you know, narcissists can be wonderful friends on a superficial level. And sometimes that’s really wonderful to have around, and could even help you through hard times.

Try not to frame it as putting something on you (“you should feel grateful”) but instead that person expressing their own experience which has very little to do with yours.

DP here.
Did Do you know that your friend was an active narcissist and was treating her children poorly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve been in the friend in this situation.

Please remember—that person has their own relationship with your mom! Saying “I wish she were my mom” can just be a clumsy way of saying “I so value the relationship I have with her, which has been meaningful and wonderful for me.”

As I’m sure you know, narcissists can be wonderful friends on a superficial level. And sometimes that’s really wonderful to have around, and could even help you through hard times.

Try not to frame it as putting something on you (“you should feel grateful”) but instead that person expressing their own experience which has very little to do with yours.

I'm sure you mean to be helpful pp, but comments like yours are not helpful. and downright gaslighting to someone dealing with narcissistic abuse. You are in fact participating in the narcissist cycle of abuse by telling OP to remember that narcissists can be good and helpful and really your problem with her mother are your own

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve been in the friend in this situation.

Please remember—that person has their own relationship with your mom! Saying “I wish she were my mom” can just be a clumsy way of saying “I so value the relationship I have with her, which has been meaningful and wonderful for me.”

As I’m sure you know, narcissists can be wonderful friends on a superficial level. And sometimes that’s really wonderful to have around, and could even help you through hard times.

Try not to frame it as putting something on you (“you should feel grateful”) but instead that person expressing their own experience which has very little to do with yours.

Yikes. This is terrible advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve been in the friend in this situation.

Please remember—that person has their own relationship with your mom! Saying “I wish she were my mom” can just be a clumsy way of saying “I so value the relationship I have with her, which has been meaningful and wonderful for me.”

As I’m sure you know, narcissists can be wonderful friends on a superficial level. And sometimes that’s really wonderful to have around, and could even help you through hard times.

Try not to frame it as putting something on you (“you should feel grateful”) but instead that person expressing their own experience which has very little to do with yours.

I'm sure you mean to be helpful pp, but comments like yours are not helpful. and downright gaslighting to someone dealing with narcissistic abuse. You are in fact participating in the narcissist cycle of abuse by telling OP to remember that narcissists can be good and helpful and really your problem with her mother are your own

+1 Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You just have to come to terms with the fact that reality and perception are different with a narcissist. I’m getting there at almost 40. Also, I’m less inclined to cover for my mom. I used to let the misconceptions ride because who wants to bad mouth their mom. But also as I’ve gotten older, I’m more inclined to tell the truth when someone says “oh your mom is so nice, I wish I had your mom” or “your mom seems like such a great grandma” when the reality is one Mother’s Day, she complained about my gift and refused to wish me happy Mother’s Day ... or that she hasn’t asked to spend any one on one time with DD in years.

It’s hard OP.

OP here. This is the part I struggle with the most. To the world and her church friends this is how she appears, but within the family, it's an entirely different story. I really just want to blow her cover.

PP that you quoted here... I think it’s a balance between completely trying to blow her cover and just being more transparent about reality. For example here’s how I used to handle a situation:

Before: “I bet your mom loves coming to DD’s soccer games!” “Yep, DD loves soccer!” Major deflection, not addressing the fact my mom couldn’t care less, always sounding positive.

Now: “I bet your mom loves coming to DD’s soccer games!” “Actually she hasn’t ever been to a game, but we sure have fun watching DD play at her games!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve been in the friend in this situation.

Please remember—that person has their own relationship with your mom! Saying “I wish she were my mom” can just be a clumsy way of saying “I so value the relationship I have with her, which has been meaningful and wonderful for me.”

As I’m sure you know, narcissists can be wonderful friends on a superficial level. And sometimes that’s really wonderful to have around, and could even help you through hard times.

Try not to frame it as putting something on you (“you should feel grateful”) but instead that person expressing their own experience which has very little to do with yours.

DP here.
Did Do you know that your friend was an active narcissist and was treating her children poorly?

I have come to discover it later, yes. Both has friend of the narcissist and friend of the child who didn’t discuss it until years into our friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve been in the friend in this situation.

Please remember—that person has their own relationship with your mom! Saying “I wish she were my mom” can just be a clumsy way of saying “I so value the relationship I have with her, which has been meaningful and wonderful for me.”

As I’m sure you know, narcissists can be wonderful friends on a superficial level. And sometimes that’s really wonderful to have around, and could even help you through hard times.

Try not to frame it as putting something on you (“you should feel grateful”) but instead that person expressing their own experience which has very little to do with yours.

I'm sure you mean to be helpful pp, but comments like yours are not helpful. and downright gaslighting to someone dealing with narcissistic abuse. You are in fact participating in the narcissist cycle of abuse by telling OP to remember that narcissists can be good and helpful and really your problem with her mother are your own

First of all, it’s none of that. The question was, how to deal. The answer is, stop taking these comments as instructions on how OP should feel about her parent and re-frame them as that person’s own experience that has nothing to do with her and is not a demand on her at all.