I don't want my kids anymore

[Anonymous]

Distance immediately. You will snap and hurt them. This is a fire you must put out now. It's only a matter of time.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound very depressed and like you need an immediate intervention. Your DH not thinking its ok that you are telling your kids that you h ate them and intervening when you want them to clean up a potty accident is normal.

I think this last year has been extraordinarily difficult and that this doesn't mean you are a bad person or a bad mom but it sounds like you are essentially in a mental health crisis and need to see someone ASAP or you could become a danger to your children.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you see a therapist? They will be able to give you coping strategies that can help you manage the stress.

Is it also possible to get a second opinion from a different pediatrician? My 4 year old has had accidents when he was particularly excited or distracted but this does not happen often and very, very rarely at home. I know different kids behave differently but your situation does seem particularly unusual, despite what your pediatrician said.

[Anonymous]

it definitely sounds like something serious possibly is going on. it's not normal for a 2nd grader (and not really kindergartner) to pee themselves or on the floor. find a good child therapist.

[Anonymous]

OP, I started having some scary thoughts about 4 months into the pandemic before I was able to work out a reasonable child care situation. I went straight to a therapist because I still had the presence of mind to recognize that it was the stress of the situation that had led to depression, that caused the scary thoughts.

Therapist for you (and likely meds) STAT. Do not walk; run.

The older kid sounds stressed out and could be feeding off your stress. The younger one is at a difficult age.

Can't say much about your DH because there isn't much you can do to make an adult change their behavior, so I would say focus on getting yourself healthy and in a better frame of mind to understand that your kids are having a very hard time as well.

I truly wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Have your kids been evaluated for special needs? Beyond that this is absolutely a problem with your husband. He needs to shape up. The kids don't listen to you because he doesn't listen to you.

Your DH is a much bigger problem than your kids. He needs to be in charge of cleaning up all accidents, stat. And that means everything---laundry, floor, kid---all of it. Go away for a weekend to see family or friends and leave him 100% in charge.
He will be much more willing to get on the same page re parenting.
Totally agree with posters who say to take a harder line with kids. Get the book 1-2-3 Magic and start learning to "count them down". Once they learn that when you hit "3" they lose something, then they will shape up.
One big reason that kids have bladder issues is constipation. Make sure they are pooping enough. But some kids just have faulty "warning" mechanisms about when they need to go. Mine did. One of my boys peed in his pants daily until age 8---he just did not "feel" when he needed to go. It was a huge pain, and he was cooperative when we reminded him to get up and go to the bathroom, but he still had accidents. His sister did too but got control of it earlier.
It is wearing and frustrating but I survived because a wise older family friend looked at me and said, "He will not do this forever. My brother did it until age 10 and he is now 65 and has had a totally normal and successful life." This WILL end.

[Anonymous]

The people in this thread that think the husband is the problem based on the limited info provider are blowing my mind.

It sounds to me like the poster is having a mental health crisis and the dad is managing around this. If my husband was yelling that he hates children, and my kids were crying and upset, you can be damn sure that I would be trying to calm them down and ease their burden. I wouldn’t be focused on worrying about who cleaned up some pee in that particular moment.

Yes, maybe these parents getting on the same page would help. But claiming the dad is the big problem here given what we have been told is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Your children’s behavior, your immense stress, and your husband’s parenting style are all separate issues that influence each other.

1. Get support from a therapist ASAP.

2. Discuss your children’s behavior with a second pediatrician and your child’s therapist. I’m curious to know why your child is already in therapy. This could give us more insight into your situation.

3. Once you have started addressing these points have a sit down with your husband so you can both discuss and lay down house rules for the kids etc. You may have different parenting styles but try to come to a compromise and get on the same page. You can not do this successfully until youve addressed the previous two points. I imagine both you and DH are extremely stressed and are managing it differently right now.

[Anonymous]

I agree that the #1 thing is to get to the bottom of the peeing with the pediatrician, total red flag. Constipation is a good thought by the previous poster. If it was just one kid I would wonder about UTI as well, but there would be other symptoms.

For everything else- I would come up with a schedule (that includes scheduled bathroom breaks), put it up so the kids can see it, coach them on it, and stick to it. Healthy food at meal times and snack and if you don't eat too bad. During the evening between dinner and set bedtime you can read, play quiet toys but no messy art, and clean up time starts 15 mins before bath time. Kids help clean up or the toys go in the trash (or in a garbage bag and they can earn them back with good behavior). Definitely get your husband on board because if the kids think they can negotiate for what they want they will fight everything.

I'm a compassionate and loving mom but I stick to a schedule/rules pretty firmly. I am usually pretty calm and don't yell because I present it like "8 is bath time, 8:30 is bedtime. That's not optional. Let's go." and if they flipped out I'd just send them to their room for the night because it's not like bedtime is optional. They can help clean up their messes including urine messes- I wouldn't be punitive or shame them, but if they learn that they will have to take time out of playing to clean up hopefully they will figure out that it would be better to just go to the bathroom in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that the #1 thing is to get to the bottom of the peeing with the pediatrician, total red flag. Constipation is a good thought by the previous poster. If it was just one kid I would wonder about UTI as well, but there would be other symptoms.

For everything else- I would come up with a schedule (that includes scheduled bathroom breaks), put it up so the kids can see it, coach them on it, and stick to it. Healthy food at meal times and snack and if you don't eat too bad. During the evening between dinner and set bedtime you can read, play quiet toys but no messy art, and clean up time starts 15 mins before bath time. Kids help clean up or the toys go in the trash (or in a garbage bag and they can earn them back with good behavior). Definitely get your husband on board because if the kids think they can negotiate for what they want they will fight everything.

I'm a compassionate and loving mom but I stick to a schedule/rules pretty firmly. I am usually pretty calm and don't yell because I present it like "8 is bath time, 8:30 is bedtime. That's not optional. Let's go." and if they flipped out I'd just send them to their room for the night because it's not like bedtime is optional. They can help clean up their messes including urine messes- I wouldn't be punitive or shame them, but if they learn that they will have to take time out of playing to clean up hopefully they will figure out that it would be better to just go to the bathroom in the first place.

This is all great advice. Rules and rules. If they don't want to eat what you serve they don't eat. Don't yell, remain calm. But these are the rules. You need to get DH on board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that the #1 thing is to get to the bottom of the peeing with the pediatrician, total red flag. Constipation is a good thought by the previous poster. If it was just one kid I would wonder about UTI as well, but there would be other symptoms.

For everything else- I would come up with a schedule (that includes scheduled bathroom breaks), put it up so the kids can see it, coach them on it, and stick to it. Healthy food at meal times and snack and if you don't eat too bad. During the evening between dinner and set bedtime you can read, play quiet toys but no messy art, and clean up time starts 15 mins before bath time. Kids help clean up or the toys go in the trash (or in a garbage bag and they can earn them back with good behavior). Definitely get your husband on board because if the kids think they can negotiate for what they want they will fight everything.

I'm a compassionate and loving mom but I stick to a schedule/rules pretty firmly. I am usually pretty calm and don't yell because I present it like "8 is bath time, 8:30 is bedtime. That's not optional. Let's go." and if they flipped out I'd just send them to their room for the night because it's not like bedtime is optional. They can help clean up their messes including urine messes- I wouldn't be punitive or shame them, but if they learn that they will have to take time out of playing to clean up hopefully they will figure out that it would be better to just go to the bathroom in the first place.

This is all great advice. Rules and rules. If they don't want to eat what you serve they don't eat. Don't yell, remain calm. But these are the rules. You need to get DH on board.

Thanks, I am the previous poster. I think structure and consistency have been really good for my kids esp ensuring enough sleep (although there are probably some totally sweet kids out there who don't need it). I'm also lucky because my husband is on the same page and steps in when I'm over it (I usually do AM/drop off and he is the bath/bedtime enforcer!)

I also wanted to add that with tantrums/backtalk/whining I pretty much just say "I don't respond to that, when you are ready to discuss calmly/ask nicely I am here for you". Once they're in K or older they shouldn't be in danger of hurting themself unless there is something crazy going on. I feel like feeding the tantrum/behavior only validates it and makes it worse (and makes me feel more emotional).

I want to give the OP a hug and a break!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:do you work outside the home?

I work from home because of COVID. Hoping to go back soon.

I think this is the solution. Hang in there. Get vaccinated and definitely keep your job. It’s sounds like you and your kids would both be better off if you just spent less time with them, which is fine.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have family, friends, fellow congregants, a babysitter, ANYONE who can regularly care for your kids for a little while? You are in crisis. You need a break, even if it's a few hours a week.

Yes to everyone who said first of all, therapy and probably meds for you.

Then an appointment with the pediatrician: if they will let you do this, make an appt where you don't even bring them and then another one for them to be examined, or ask for a referral to a developmental pediatrician or a child psychologist/therapist.

Next a family therapist or parenting coach, ideally someone who can come to your house and see how things are and give advice.

Also, I am not saying this flippantly but there are families who would adopt your children. If you genuinely try everything above and you and your husband truly do not want to be parents or do not feel you can do so safely, you could talk with an agency like Barker or Adoptions Together about placing your children. It is not common for elementary school age kids to be privately adopted but it sometimes happens and if it becomes the best thing for everyone so be it. But that is not something to take lightly or to have as a first step.

[Anonymous]

WHy not let a realivie take t hem for a while? I know lots of people who have adopted a relative. It can be permanent or temporary.

[Anonymous]

My goes though bouts of chaotic depression. I was glad to take her daughter off her hands for days/weeks/months at a time I am currently paying for her college. It feels great to help out my sister.