I don't want my kids anymore
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Anonymous
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OP, my kids are almost the same age, and I agree it can be really tough. The messes, the fighting, and the lack of viewing parents are human beings sometimes.
With kindness, though, you sound extremely depressed and anxious. The stuff you are describing is hard and frustrates me to, but not to the extent you are describing. My mom keeps reminding me to be kind to myself, because the ages of my kids (and your kids) are the hardest. Kids who were just on the verge of more independence, making their own friends at school, but not old enough to do most things...they are so needy and at the same time so frustrated to have lost their budding independence. For parents, and especially moms who I think are more sensitive to kids' emotions, it's really rough. What I think you really need is first a break, and then a therapist for yourself. If you can get away, by yourself, with a close friend, please do it. I'm going to visit my friend next weekend. I've been fantasizing about having a day when I didn't need to take care of anyone's needs but my own. You need that too. After you can get a little bit of space, I think you might also benefit from talking to a counselor about some of these challenges and how to process the strong emotions and stress of this past year. It's been an incredible struggle, and the psychological and emotional toll isn't discussed as much as it should be. |
Anonymous
OP, you sound like you're in a pretty desperate frame of mind. Talk to your husband about all of this. Stop saying things like "I hate kids" because that only serves to alienate your husband and your children. Come up with a plan that has your husband taking more responsibility for the kids. Stop saying things like "DH is willing to help" - they are HIS CHILDREN. He isn't helping. He's parenting. If the way he is parenting makes things difficult for you, talk to him about that. He needs to be the one to enforce consequences when the kids break rules. It is not appropriate to make a kindergartner clean up his pee when he has an accident. He is 5/6 years old. He is still learning. Your husband did the right thing. You need a break, clearly, and I think you need to speak to your husband about how bad things have gotten for you before you hurt yourself or your kdis. |
Anonymous
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Honey you have a DH problem.
The 2 of you need to get on the same page. Anything discipline you try will be useless if he's not on the same page as you. I'd take away screens until all pee is in the toilet for 2 solid weeks. Start there. |
Anonymous
| Peeing themselves and peeing around the house suggests sexual abuse. |
Anonymous
| Time for a family meeting about the peeing issue. |
Anonymous
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OP--stop and take a deep breath. The last 1-1.5 years has been extremely difficult for many people, adults and children alike. I've observed some of the virtual classes and talked with other parents and many kids are having issues and acting out. One of the other reasons that I am on the teachers side in the parents vs teacher war. The teachers have had to deal with so much especially with children who are stressed out from the pandemic and virtual learning and home situations. Even normally well behaved children are acting out in class and being difficult, losing focus, or burned out.
It sounds to me like you are burned out and stressed (so many parents are) and it sounds like the stress and situation are bleeding out to your children. That type of behavior and inappropriate body control issues sound very much like children who are stressed out and do not know how to handle their emotional distress and lose control of themselves. They are so young that they don't know how to handle their emotions, and they have so little control over their environment that they just lash out. A few things to help normalize things. You need to set up some private space for the kids. They need to have some space where they have control of the environment, they can leave their mess around without driving you nuts and have some personal place. If they don't have space in bedrooms for the private space and there is no other room, like a small apartment, then carve out a corner for them. We have a playroom for our twins and last year in the pandemic they were driving each other nuts interfering with each others things. We ended up getting a couple of open plastic shelves and two small bookcases from Ikea and we built a corner of the room for each kid where they can do whatever they want and parents and twin had to stay out of "my corner". One asked for a little table and we put one of those small picnic tables with benchs in his corner (took up about half of his space) and he set up his Legos there and his brother could not touch the Legos that he had built in his corner. The other set up a small crafts space where he could work on crafts stuff without his brother tampering with it. We also stopped enforcing "cleanup" in the playroom. So they could leave the room a horrible mess (and it was) and we would not nag them about that. But they had to keep the common areas clean as normal. They became better at keeping the common areas clean as long as they had a place they could control and leave their mess without being nagged. Just that one thing helped all of us. The parents were happier because the family room and kitchen spaces were cleaner and they didn't fight us or complain as much when we asked them to clean common spaces. The kids were happier because they had a place to hang out and not be nagged about. We also hung artwork on the playroom walls with painter's tape and when we ran out of wall space, we talked about what they wanted to replace. When something came down we asked keep or trash? They trashed some of the old stuff and we had a bin for each kid to toss the art projects to keep. We also let our kids pick their own clothes. We consult them when we buy clothes, so we get clothes they'll like. We let them pick what they wear, even if the colors clash or they don't seem to go together. IF it is someplace important, like going to church or visiting grandparents or the odd time we go out to eat (in the "before" times), we pick. But the simple act of letting them pick their clothes most of the time, means they fight us less when we ask them to dress nicely in clothes we pick out. Just a couple of examples. But look for places, things, events, where you can let them have some control without driving you nuts. Give them control of some aspect of their own lives where you stay out. It will help their emotional stress to have some place or thing or choice that they control without nagging. Find a way to create a boundary so that their control is restricted in a way that will not drive you crazy. The boundaries will be good and healthy for all of you. They have control inside the boundary. You have control outside the boundary. |
Anonymous
| Maybe you and DH could take a PEP parenting class. Having discipline strategies you can agree on will be very helpful. https://pepparent.org/ |
jsmith123
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OP I'm sorry things are so rough. Can you head somewhere for the weekend? Just take a couple days off?
Then when you're back, contact your pediatrician and tell them what's going on. Ask for help. For you, for the kids, for your family. Get referrals. |
Anonymous
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I think you need to get your own therapist to discuss anxiety and depression.
And then a family therapist to discuss how to deal with these larger issues and get on the same page with your husband. Honestly, the two examples you gave about your husband sound fine to me. My kids eat when they are hungry — sometimes that is at bedtime. And if they don’t like what we have for dinner, they can have something else. And I’m an awesome mom!! I think this might be more about your need to relax. And really, your kids might have some special needs. I would speak again with your doctor and the family therapist to consider further evaluation. I cannot imagine living in the chaos you describe and I have a kid with profound special needs. But your own frustration and anxiety might be contributing to the problem — a family therapist can help sort this out. |
Anonymous
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Big hugs, OP.
Your husband is an idiot. |
Anonymous
This is not helpful. You have no idea about her DH. OP, I agree that what you and your DH have is a family crisis/ parenting problem. As other posters have noted, you must get on the same page immediately on how you are going to raise these kids, or the situations that you describe will get much worse. They know that there is no consistency, no rules, no structure, no discipline at your house. As kids do, they are acting out in desperate attention. You and DH BOTH need help from professionals - family counseling, and/or parenting classes. Please take this seriously. What you describe is not normal and your kids are paying the price for the dysfunction in your household. |
Anonymous
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Make an appointment with your pediatrician, explain the problem (peeing their pants) over the phone before the appointment out of earshot of your children.
That way, the pediatrician has the full picture walking into the appointment and can ask the kids some targeted questions about how often it happens, and why they're doing it. The kids will know the doctor already knows. Let the pediatrician talk to them about it, and offer some solutions. Sometimes, hearing something come from the doctor's mouth sinks in with them in ways it won't from the parent. It's worth a try. |
Anonymous
| OP, the repeated pee issues are a sign that something is going on. I know lots of us keep saying this, but it’s NOT normal for a 6 and 8 year old to have repeated pee issues. It’s just not something that neurotypical kids with no health or abuse issues do repeatedly. There’s some root cause there that you haven’t figured out. |
Anonymous
| OP, both of your kids peeing on themselves suggest something else is going on. You need to find out what that is. I won’t jump to abuse, but something is going on. |
Anonymous
Did the peeing her pants START when she returned to in-person school? If not then that reasoning doesnt fly. It also doesnt address your son. You need to bypass your ped on this one because they arent listening. |