Is it selfish for a divorced mom to have more children with a new spouse?

[Anonymous]

Case by case. Never was on the table for me, but my kids got effed over hard enough by their father for the both of us, as he cavorts around with his new fam.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Totally depends on how honest you are about your particular child and how the blended family will work out.

If both kids are equal, it’s not selfish. If the older child has to ask you why their younger sibling goes to private school and they don’t, it is

I don't think it's so simple. If first child has issues as a result of the divorce, such as abandonment, or other mental health problems, no matter how equal you keep things, a new child could exacerbate them and make your life a living hell, which I think would be selfish. But, if your child is pretty well adjusted and the new spouse is great and there is no them vs. us when it comes to your child and subsequent children, I don't think it's selfish. I think you have to be really honest with yourself though.

+1 this deserves consideration. You destroyed one child’s family and are making a new family complete with new child with someone else. Child #1 will likely deal with issues around self esteem, abandonment, and identity. It’s selfish of you to seek out a do-over of your failed marriage and family while the kid has to pick up the pieces of the one you didn’t save.

[Anonymous]

I have no moral judgments about it and I’m sure for some families it has worked out just fine, or even quite well.

The reason to be careful has nothing to do with morality or “selfishness”, but instead with the lived reality of how this often plays out, even when it goes relatively well.

When you make a family with someone and divorce, and then both parents remarry (sometimes to partners who also have children from previous relationships), and then each of the parents end up making more babies in their new families, you’ve greatly complicated your family system. Even if everyone is sane and has good intentions, your kids are still growing up with a very complex family dynamic including step siblings, half siblings, full siblings, and step parents. This never changes and continues literally for the rest of the child’s life.

Then add in that the divorce rate for 2nd marriages with kids is upwards of 70%.

There are absolutely exceptions and families that have managed to navigate this well. But most think they can or think they are when they are most definitely not.

I grew up in a family like this and it continues to suck. My parents are deeply obsessed with playing “happy family” in their new blended families and are basically never available one on one. I always have to engage with my step family.

If I ever get divorced, I’ll never remarry and have more kids. But dating is just fine!! Just don’t “blend” your families or make more babies. Enjoy dating when your kid is with the other parent.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. You gave me some things to consider.

[Anonymous]

Some of it go well, some may not- but how functional a family is doesn't matter if it is a re-marriage, or divorced, or intact- all setups have potential for dysfunction. What's right for you and your family, will not be for for another, and vice versa.

My sister's fiancee is the son of his dad's second marriage. His older half-siblings ARE his siblings (I asked him about his "half siblings" when I was getting to know them and he was actually a bit defensive, but in a prideful way, not like being an ass). Almost all holidays, anything family function really, are spent together and he knows his dad's ex-wife well and likes her a lot. Even his half brother's stepdaughter is as much part of their family as blood relatives, despite him recently divorced- he calls her his cousin. It really is special and really nice to see, tbh.

[Anonymous]

It’s fine. Live your life.