Is it selfish for a divorced mom to have more children with a new spouse?

[Anonymous]

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No of course not. It’s selfish if he prioritizes family #2 over family #1. Unfortunately, that seems to be par for the course.

I'm a guy and I know this is going to be an unpopular opinion but there's just no way I could love an existing child that wasn't mine equally as a child that was mine. I'm not saying kid #2 gets a higher standard of living than child #1 or that child #1 gets treated poorly but everything just seems like it would be so different. With the bio child I'm there for all of it and can begin bonding with the child from birth whereas I wouldn't have that same experience with an existing child. That's not to say I couldn't grow to also love the existing child but I couldn't honestly say that it would be the same.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends. I'm a divorced mom who would desperately like another child, but a lot of stuff weighs against it for me personally:

1) I would need to rush it, due to biological considerations. That risks repeating some of the same mistakes that led to my first marriage.

2) There would be a big age gap, so my existing child would need to reorient their whole life around having a baby in the house. A lot of things that we do as a family would be disrupted.

3) My child already feels like their dad abandoned them for a new relationship. It's not FAIR that I would orient my parenting around his failures, but a lot of things in life aren't fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asking for myself.

Yes. Your other children already had to deal with a divorce and a ne father figure they do not need to deal with your selfishness of having more kids to eff up their lives more.

[Anonymous]

Who cares what anyone thinks? If you first kid is loved, secure, provided for and covered for the future, you can have another kid. Just don't bring another one to life and treat the first like garbage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No of course not. It’s selfish if he prioritizes family #2 over family #1. Unfortunately, that seems to be par for the course.

I'm a guy and I know this is going to be an unpopular opinion but there's just no way I could love an existing child that wasn't mine equally as a child that was mine. I'm not saying kid #2 gets a higher standard of living than child #1 or that child #1 gets treated poorly but everything just seems like it would be so different. With the bio child I'm there for all of it and can begin bonding with the child from birth whereas I wouldn't have that same experience with an existing child. That's not to say I couldn't grow to also love the existing child but I couldn't honestly say that it would be the same.

I appreciate your honesty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No of course not. It’s selfish if he prioritizes family #2 over family #1. Unfortunately, that seems to be par for the course.

I'm a guy and I know this is going to be an unpopular opinion but there's just no way I could love an existing child that wasn't mine equally as a child that was mine. I'm not saying kid #2 gets a higher standard of living than child #1 or that child #1 gets treated poorly but everything just seems like it would be so different. With the bio child I'm there for all of it and can begin bonding with the child from birth whereas I wouldn't have that same experience with an existing child. That's not to say I couldn't grow to also love the existing child but I couldn't honestly say that it would be the same.

I appreciate your honesty.

I'm a woman and this is why I had to break up with my boyfriend. I just couldn't love his child the way he wanted me to. I'm not the child's mom, and I just couldn't bring myself to care the way I would about a child that I birthed.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of past threads related to this, like this one: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/911565.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Totally depends on how honest you are about your particular child and how the blended family will work out.

If both kids are equal, it’s not selfish. If the older child has to ask you why their younger sibling goes to private school and they don’t, it is

I don't think it's so simple. If first child has issues as a result of the divorce, such as abandonment, or other mental health problems, no matter how equal you keep things, a new child could exacerbate them and make your life a living hell, which I think would be selfish. But, if your child is pretty well adjusted and the new spouse is great and there is no them vs. us when it comes to your child and subsequent children, I don't think it's selfish. I think you have to be really honest with yourself though.

[Anonymous]

It really depends on the situation- it is not a one-size-fits-all, but more of a case-by-case. The new guy I think would truly have to be ego-less, and hands on with your current child. I have two friends (well, more acquaintances) that re-married to amazing partners, and their kid was always treated as a bonus, and not an annoyance. The new husbands each treat their kids as if their own- it is very sweet. So, it can work, but I think it has to truly, truly, be right.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps I'm jaded as a divorced mom, but as much as I would like another child, at the same time, I don't think marriages are really happier after a kid. Too much changes. Even if you have a very hands-on partner, you both become house and kid managers; I'm not sure if I want that life anymore with someone that is my romantic partner. If I had (A LOT) more money I'd probably have another kid on my own tbh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asking for myself.

.My mother did. Outside some major exceptions (which would have happened regardless of whether she and my stepfather had my half-sister).

[Anonymous]

^ I am the person above. I am the person whose mother had another child. I had never really thought other people thought this was selfish (why wouldn't she have another kid?) but I have always felt and seen a deep favoritism in my nuclear family and more widely for my half-sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ I am the person above. I am the person whose mother had another child. I had never really thought other people thought this was selfish (why wouldn't she have another kid?) but I have always felt and seen a deep favoritism in my nuclear family and more widely for my half-sister.

^ My bio father died young and my mother re-married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No of course not. It’s selfish if he prioritizes family #2 over family #1. Unfortunately, that seems to be par for the course.

I'm a guy and I know this is going to be an unpopular opinion but there's just no way I could love an existing child that wasn't mine equally as a child that was mine. I'm not saying kid #2 gets a higher standard of living than child #1 or that child #1 gets treated poorly but everything just seems like it would be so different. With the bio child I'm there for all of it and can begin bonding with the child from birth whereas I wouldn't have that same experience with an existing child. That's not to say I couldn't grow to also love the existing child but I couldn't honestly say that it would be the same.

Divorced mom of three here and I completely agree. Its why I will not blend families and keep my dating life very separate. I would not be a great stepmother and I know it.