13 yo DD’s best friend eats poorly and isn’t active

[Anonymous]

Their DD is not your DD. It is not your place to say anything to her. Your own DD would be very embarrassed if you did so! There's nothing worse than having your own mom wedging herself into your friend's world. Just stop, OP. It is not your business. You say she's sweet, and a good friend to your DD. That should be enough. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is a very sweet girl and is a good friend to my DD. Not looking to distance from her or anything but I’m very worried that their whole family eats extremely poorly, buys tons of junk food and has no food rules. Also the kids don’t do any activities. No sports or dance or anything but also no family hikes or even spending time outside. Last summer my DD barely saw the friend because every day she said it was “too hot” to be outside, and we didn’t allow them inside together until all 4 parents were vaxed.

She openly says things like “I hate school” “I don’t read, I prefer YouTube” etc.

How do I address this with DD - that I don’t want her just eating junk and watching YouTube every time is with the friend? I can’t police when I’m not there but it really bothers me. I also just don’t want my DD thinking this is normal teen behavior.

I’m stuck on “Food Rules” and the fact you don’t believe this is normal teen behavior. Most of what you describe is classic teen behavior.

[Anonymous]

Quick story OP. I grew up in anew England and moved into the South in ES. I had a great, joined at the hip, inseparable BFF in MS. We were at her house one day when her mom asked her to come into the other room. When she came back, I asked what the mom wanted. And she said her mom had told her to be very careful around me because she was starting to detect a “yankee accent” in her daughter. And her daughter should make a special effort not to talk like me.

I was mortified, as 13 year old girls often are, and because very self conscious around her parents. Literally every time I opened my mouth I knew they were judging me. I knew the looked down on my accent. I went from being over at her house all the time to never going over.

About the same time, she started doing strange things at my house, like opening closets in the guest bedroom. When I asked why, she said her parents told her to check things at our house like closets, toothbrushes in bathrooms, shampoo in shower, etc and make sure there was no sign a boyfriend was staying there (I had divorced parents).

And, that was the end of the friendship.

Tl;DR: I’m sure you could say something and destroy this friendship. But, stable Ms friendships are hard to come by. Take the stable friendship, even if it comes with oreos once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do not address this with DD. It's none of your business. If your daughter brings it up, you go with "different strokes for different folks" and move on. You raise your kid with your values, and then you don't judge others, nor do you teach your daughter to judge others.

There's so, so much judgment in your post.

It’s a really unhealthy way to live. This is not a matter of opinion.

And? It's none of OP's business.

[Anonymous]

You can't pick her friends at this age, OP. If you try, her next friend may have a drug problem and you'll wish it was a friend who had too many chips in their pantry. Let her be and model the behavior you want at your home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t want her eating all that crap. I just don’t. So I guess my option is to just say no to her going over there and say the friend can come to our house?

Is your daughter otherwise never away from you? Because at that age I spent all my allowance money on candy from the vending machines and school store all day long every day at school. We ate very healthily at home. I never got fat.

[Anonymous]

As the parent of college age kids, I will echo what has been said above - you will be very fortunate if all you have to worry about in terms of “bad influences” is someone who eats too many chips. Pick your battles - a bag of chips and inactivity are not the hill to die on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They don't take family hikes? Obviously, you have to shun them.

And they don't have "food rules".

Do that many people really go on family hikes? This sounds awful.

[Anonymous]

I can’t imagine being “very worried” that my kid’s friend doesn’t have food rules or dance class. Like, to the point of making a DCUM post about it.

[Anonymous]

Ummmmm...one of my best friends was like this. Just because she didn't like to read or go outside...how would that affect me?! How would what someone else eats for lunch in school or whatever affect me?

Do what's best for your own family and mind your own business. If your daughter is over at the other girl's house a lot, maybe start hosting and watching your own kid.

[Anonymous]

So everyone on this page allows their 13 yo to eat whatever whenever? No “food rules” whatsoever? I don’t believe that for a millisecond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So everyone on this page allows their 13 yo to eat whatever whenever? No “food rules” whatsoever? I don’t believe that for a millisecond.

No, we’re just not wringing our hands about what some other kid eats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So everyone on this page allows their 13 yo to eat whatever whenever? No “food rules” whatsoever? I don’t believe that for a millisecond.

No, we’re just not wringing our hands about what some other kid eats.

Then why act like it’s strange for OP to have “food rules”? No snacking right before dinner, fruit or veggie at each meal, etc. This is pretty normal stuff and definitely counts as rules.

[Anonymous]

Aww, it's obvious you don't like the kid because she's fat. Take the fat friend over no friends. My kid has no one, although she is incredibly skinny her adhd makes maintaining friendships very difficult

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is a very sweet girl and is a good friend to my DD. Not looking to distance from her or anything but I’m very worried that their whole family eats extremely poorly, buys tons of junk food and has no food rules. Also the kids don’t do any activities. No sports or dance or anything but also no family hikes or even spending time outside. Last summer my DD barely saw the friend because every day she said it was “too hot” to be outside, and we didn’t allow them inside together until all 4 parents were vaxed.

She openly says things like “I hate school” “I don’t read, I prefer YouTube” etc.

How do I address this with DD - that I don’t want her just eating junk and watching YouTube every time is with the friend? I can’t police when I’m not there but it really bothers me. I also just don’t want my DD thinking this is normal teen behavior.

If you are "policing" not just your daughter, but your daughter's friend, then your parenting is potentially setting you up for much bigger problems than having a daughter who has a friend who eats junk food.

I wonder if you realize how many parents would be grateful that their 13 yo child had a "good friend" who was "a very sweet girl"?

I wonder what kind of friend you are OP? Given that we don't know anything about the resources or interests of this family, perhaps you could offer to include the friend in activities with your daughter at your expense -- if the friend is interested. If there's something BOTH girls are interested in doing, talk to the friend's parents about gifting skating lessons or a pool pass or tap classes to both girls so that your daughter can participate in an activity with a friend.