Sister is angry family discusses physical resemblances in front of adopted child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister can only control herself. She needs to limit social media interaction with them if she doesn't approve of what is being said. I'd repeat that, a long with a little sympathy, to her every time she complains to you.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids aren’t genetically related to me (queer couple, wife carried) and they know that as well as know they’re donor conceived.

That said, one of my sons does look a LOT like my grandfather when he was a boy. Though we know it isn’t possible, we talk at times about how much he looks like my side of the family. I always tell him its because I wished him into being.

His other brother does not look like my side of the family at all, but we find other things that “my side” has in common with him like his sense of humor, his enjoyment of sports, etc.

At the end of the day, for our family (and I have a very big extended family) - it’s about inclusivity. We are blessed with families built from adoption, blended families, multiracial families, childless aunties and uncles but I, and I think others in my family, work to make sure they all feel welcome and valued.

It sounds to me like your sister is worried that her daughter won’t or isn’t welcomed or valued in the same way as her birth son. I think a conversation is worthwhile.

“Hey Larla, I’m sorry you felt left out or awkward when Mom was comparing Bobby to Uncle Mike. Boy that is SOME NOSE, huh? What we love about Susie is that she makes the very same face you do when she is mad, and that she always wants to play chutes and ladders just like her cousin Phylis. I hope you know how glad we are that Susie is in our family and we love her to pieces.”

This is a logical and loving approach IMO. I wish I was a member of your family!

I love your post and I love that you tell your son you wished him into being. That is one of the sweetest things I’ve read on dcum!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids aren’t genetically related to me (queer couple, wife carried) and they know that as well as know they’re donor conceived.

That said, one of my sons does look a LOT like my grandfather when he was a boy. Though we know it isn’t possible, we talk at times about how much he looks like my side of the family. I always tell him its because I wished him into being.

His other brother does not look like my side of the family at all, but we find other things that “my side” has in common with him like his sense of humor, his enjoyment of sports, etc.

At the end of the day, for our family (and I have a very big extended family) - it’s about inclusivity. We are blessed with families built from adoption, blended families, multiracial families, childless aunties and uncles but I, and I think others in my family, work to make sure they all feel welcome and valued.

It sounds to me like your sister is worried that her daughter won’t or isn’t welcomed or valued in the same way as her birth son. I think a conversation is worthwhile.

“Hey Larla, I’m sorry you felt left out or awkward when Mom was comparing Bobby to Uncle Mike. Boy that is SOME NOSE, huh? What we love about Susie is that she makes the very same face you do when she is mad, and that she always wants to play chutes and ladders just like her cousin Phylis. I hope you know how glad we are that Susie is in our family and we love her to pieces.”

Your situation is very different given they are genetically related to one parent.

This child is going to have a lot of issues between how the adoption was/is handled and relatives.

Kids get curious what they look like. We can easily show ours pictures of their relatives but most cannot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister has adopted one daughter and had one biological son. Both kids are the same race and look very similar. Our family has gone out of our way to make sure we are inclusive and respect my sister choice to not tell her daughter she’s adopted until she’s older. My sister told me yesterday she’s angry at our parents and siblings for always discussing physical resemblances (our mom does this on social media). I can see where my sister is coming from but it’s hard to stop others from making comments. Also her daughter is still a toddler and probably unaware. Is this an issue when adoption occurs in families?

I would just commiserate with your sister. I doubt she expects you to change others' behavior, she probably was just venting. You know she is sensitive about it, so try not to talk about family resemblance in front of her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids aren’t genetically related to me (queer couple, wife carried) and they know that as well as know they’re donor conceived.

That said, one of my sons does look a LOT like my grandfather when he was a boy. Though we know it isn’t possible, we talk at times about how much he looks like my side of the family. I always tell him its because I wished him into being.

His other brother does not look like my side of the family at all, but we find other things that “my side” has in common with him like his sense of humor, his enjoyment of sports, etc.

At the end of the day, for our family (and I have a very big extended family) - it’s about inclusivity. We are blessed with families built from adoption, blended families, multiracial families, childless aunties and uncles but I, and I think others in my family, work to make sure they all feel welcome and valued.

It sounds to me like your sister is worried that her daughter won’t or isn’t welcomed or valued in the same way as her birth son. I think a conversation is worthwhile.

“Hey Larla, I’m sorry you felt left out or awkward when Mom was comparing Bobby to Uncle Mike. Boy that is SOME NOSE, huh? What we love about Susie is that she makes the very same face you do when she is mad, and that she always wants to play chutes and ladders just like her cousin Phylis. I hope you know how glad we are that Susie is in our family and we love her to pieces.”

This is wonderful advice