Sister is angry family discusses physical resemblances in front of adopted child

[Anonymous]

My sister has adopted one daughter and had one biological son. Both kids are the same race and look very similar. Our family has gone out of our way to make sure we are inclusive and respect my sister choice to not tell her daughter she’s adopted until she’s older. My sister told me yesterday she’s angry at our parents and siblings for always discussing physical resemblances (our mom does this on social media). I can see where my sister is coming from but it’s hard to stop others from making comments. Also her daughter is still a toddler and probably unaware. Is this an issue when adoption occurs in families?

[Anonymous]

It's really odd your sister is making the adoption status an issue. Why in the world wouldn't she share that info? This never plays out well, and is the biggest issue here. Sister can't control how other people speak on social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's really odd your sister is making the adoption status an issue. Why in the world wouldn't she share that info? This never plays out well, and is the biggest issue here. Sister can't control how other people speak on social media.

I don't think there's anything wrong with telling a child they're adopted at a later age - maybe 10 or 12. When they can understand and ask appropriate questions.

As far as OPs actual question - I think even a toddler can understand and wonder why 'Grammie loves brother's curly hair and not my straight hair'.

They internalize that. And the fact that the whole family is doing this seems a bit suspect. I'd just make sure they don't do it in person and ignore them on social media.

[Anonymous]

Both of you are wrong.

All the research says that kids need to know, from the very beginning, that they are adopted. It shouldn't be a Big Deal Secret revealed when they're older -- it should just be part of the conversation.

But it's also othering and isolating to talk about how one child inherited looks from parent or grandparent, and other child is left to believe that they aren't "really" part of the family.

[Anonymous]

OP, you might want to ask Jeff to move the thread to " Parenting -- Special Concerns" https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/forums/show/24.page

You might get more informed discussion. It's a forum that is "for the discussion of special parenting concerns including, but not limited to, Gay and Lesbian parents, Single Parents, Adoptive Families, and Blended Families."

Don't crosspost, but if you want, you can "report" your own post with a request to move.

I don't know a good answer for you. I suspect this is about your sister feeling marginalized or attacked for more than just this one reason, and this is probably about the bigger picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really odd your sister is making the adoption status an issue. Why in the world wouldn't she share that info? This never plays out well, and is the biggest issue here. Sister can't control how other people speak on social media.

I don't think there's anything wrong with telling a child they're adopted at a later age - maybe 10 or 12. When they can understand and ask appropriate questions.

As far as OPs actual question - I think even a toddler can understand and wonder why 'Grammie loves brother's curly hair and not my straight hair'.

They internalize that. And the fact that the whole family is doing this seems a bit suspect. I'd just make sure they don't do it in person and ignore them on social media.

Dear lord, no. Dropping that bomb on a tween? You'll wreck them. It should be part of their birth story from the time they are little, so they grow up knowing the truth, in a child-appropriate way.

[Anonymous]

There is a lot of research that supports telling the child as early as possible in an age appropriate way, so that it's always a part of "their story." I think OP's sister needs some help on how to be an adoptive mother, because the secret keeping and sensitivity over family member's comments are likely a symptom of a larger issue. This reads to me as a symptom of sister's insecurity and discomfort with adoption, not an issue with the family specifically. She needs professional guidance before the adopted child is old enough to understand what's going on.

https://adoption.org/tell-child-hes-adopted

[Anonymous]

OP here. While I disagree with my sister decision not to tell her daughter she’s adopted for awhile, I’m powerless to convince her otherwise since she’s very defensive about anything related to parenting. She has had major issues due to years of infertility. It’s feels like she’s projecting her issues on our family about this one thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both of you are wrong.

All the research says that kids need to know, from the very beginning, that they are adopted. It shouldn't be a Big Deal Secret revealed when they're older -- it should just be part of the conversation.

But it's also othering and isolating to talk about how one child inherited looks from parent or grandparent, and other child is left to believe that they aren't "really" part of the family.

100% this. Our daughter is adopted and it’s always been known. We read books about it at bedtime from when she was little, There are so many kids books out there now. There will never be a “ right” time, it needs to just be out there now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. While I disagree with my sister decision not to tell her daughter she’s adopted for awhile, I’m powerless to convince her otherwise since she’s very defensive about anything related to parenting. She has had major issues due to years of infertility. It’s feels like she’s projecting her issues on our family about this one thing.

You obviously have major issues with your sister. Just remember there's always more than one side to a story. Look inward and ask yourself how you're contributing to the problem.

[Anonymous]

My husband's adoptive parents didn't tell him early enough. He found around 9 or ten when a cousin outed the secret and it went over badly. This was 40 years ago, they didn't have research to go on. I hope she changes her mind.

As for your sister's request, while she might have issues, I don't think it's a big ask and I would accommodate it.

[Anonymous]

My friend has 1 child who looks like her clone and one no one would ever think was her kid. Strangers don't know the kids are related unless told.
Your sister is probably making too much of this.

[Anonymous]

All you can do is control you, OP. I would make sure I didn’t talk about family resemblances on social media or in real life. Really, what else can you do?

[Anonymous]

I have a son that looks so unlike me, a policeman once questioned me. I don’t take it to heart that even thought he’s my biological child, random people still constant ask if he’s adopted. My son is confident enough to understand too.

[Anonymous]

I think you are really inappropriate to talk about resemblances online but she should also raise her child to know that she joined the family through adoption. BUT, a toddler isn't going to understand any of that. We get dumb comments all the time and it makes our child uncomfortable as they know they are adopted and how clueless people are.