Sister is angry family discusses physical resemblances in front of adopted child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really odd your sister is making the adoption status an issue. Why in the world wouldn't she share that info? This never plays out well, and is the biggest issue here. Sister can't control how other people speak on social media.

I don't think there's anything wrong with telling a child they're adopted at a later age - maybe 10 or 12. When they can understand and ask appropriate questions.

As far as OPs actual question - I think even a toddler can understand and wonder why 'Grammie loves brother's curly hair and not my straight hair'.

They internalize that. And the fact that the whole family is doing this seems a bit suspect. I'd just make sure they don't do it in person and ignore them on social media.

You are wrong. Every child psychologist who works specifically in attachment and adoption says a child should be told from before they can talk. They should be told in age-appropriate ways, and their questions will fit their age. To wait until the child is 12 would COMPLETELY rock their world. You just could not be more wrong.

[Anonymous]

I think everyone needs to respect your sister's wishes on this issue. Adoption stirs up a LOT OF VERY INTENSE FEELINGS!!! My best friend adopted a child who doesn't look at all like her, and I made a couple of terrible bloopers shortly after the adoption. Luckily she didn't lose her temper, and explained all her reasoning and feelings. Please don't make this harder on your sister, and help her out by advocating for her to anyone who doesn't follow her wishes. The advantage to ironing things out now is that by the time this little girl becomes aware, the entire family will have fallen in line. Your sister is wise to exert pressure at this time.

As for not telling this child that she's adopted, I believe your sister is making a mistake... but, she may be acting out of self-defense because all her family is not reacting as she hoped they would, you see? So she might change her mind about that when she starts feeling supported and confident in her role as parent. I think she needs a little time, and when you think the time is right, address the issue gently, and perhaps send her videos and articles by adoption specialists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are really inappropriate to talk about resemblances online but she should also raise her child to know that she joined the family through adoption. BUT, a toddler isn't going to understand any of that. We get dumb comments all the time and it makes our child uncomfortable as they know they are adopted and how clueless people are.

OP here. I didn’t have any discussion about resemblance in front of my niece. My sisters issue is with our family and extended family doing it in person and online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both of you are wrong.

All the research says that kids need to know, from the very beginning, that they are adopted. It shouldn't be a Big Deal Secret revealed when they're older -- it should just be part of the conversation.

But it's also othering and isolating to talk about how one child inherited looks from parent or grandparent, and other child is left to believe that they aren't "really" part of the family.

+1

Speaking as an adoptee, it has been best practice for years to tell kids from an early age that they are adopted, in age-appropriate terms. But constant references to how one looks like other family members, or has so-and-so's features, can be alienating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's really odd your sister is making the adoption status an issue. Why in the world wouldn't she share that info? This never plays out well, and is the biggest issue here. Sister can't control how other people speak on social media.

OP here. She’s never told me her exact reasons but also doesn’t want her daughter to have any contact with the bio parents as well because she’s concerned they would want to her back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are really inappropriate to talk about resemblances online but she should also raise her child to know that she joined the family through adoption. BUT, a toddler isn't going to understand any of that. We get dumb comments all the time and it makes our child uncomfortable as they know they are adopted and how clueless people are.

OP here. I didn’t have any discussion about resemblance in front of my niece. My sisters issue is with our family and extended family doing it in person and online.

She is right and you calling the kid adopted child speaks volumes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really odd your sister is making the adoption status an issue. Why in the world wouldn't she share that info? This never plays out well, and is the biggest issue here. Sister can't control how other people speak on social media.

OP here. She’s never told me her exact reasons but also doesn’t want her daughter to have any contact with the bio parents as well because she’s concerned they would want to her back.

The unknown is far worse than the known and kid will be more curious if kept hidden

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both of you are wrong.

All the research says that kids need to know, from the very beginning, that they are adopted. It shouldn't be a Big Deal Secret revealed when they're older -- it should just be part of the conversation.

But it's also othering and isolating to talk about how one child inherited looks from parent or grandparent, and other child is left to believe that they aren't "really" part of the family.

+1

Speaking as an adoptee, it has been best practice for years to tell kids from an early age that they are adopted, in age-appropriate terms. But constant references to how one looks like other family members, or has so-and-so's features, can be alienating.

+2 I have 3 bio kids and my DH's extended family talks at length at how much one of them looks like their side. It's been very alienating for my other kids (all now teenagers).

[Anonymous]

I am an adoptee. Your sister needs to stop this nonsense. Everything needs to be on the table, some people are related by blood, some by family. Stop the mixed messaging. Only the truth, no denial, no revisionist family history, no crazy stories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really odd your sister is making the adoption status an issue. Why in the world wouldn't she share that info? This never plays out well, and is the biggest issue here. Sister can't control how other people speak on social media.

I don't think there's anything wrong with telling a child they're adopted at a later age - maybe 10 or 12. When they can understand and ask appropriate questions.

As far as OPs actual question - I think even a toddler can understand and wonder why 'Grammie loves brother's curly hair and not my straight hair'.

They internalize that. And the fact that the whole family is doing this seems a bit suspect. I'd just make sure they don't do it in person and ignore them on social media.

Dear lord, no. Dropping that bomb on a tween? You'll wreck them. It should be part of their birth story from the time they are little, so they grow up knowing the truth, in a child-appropriate way.

Yeah, I think that is a tough thing to drop on a tween or teen. It would be very disconcerting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are really inappropriate to talk about resemblances online but she should also raise her child to know that she joined the family through adoption. BUT, a toddler isn't going to understand any of that. We get dumb comments all the time and it makes our child uncomfortable as they know they are adopted and how clueless people are.

OP here. I didn’t have any discussion about resemblance in front of my niece. My sisters issue is with our family and extended family doing it in person and online.

She is right and you calling the kid adopted child speaks volumes.

It makes sense in this context -- the fact that the kid is adopted is what's causing the issues. If OP regularly makes this distinction, that would be different.

[Anonymous]

Your sister is playing with fire and her kid is the one who is going to get burned. When you make some thing a secret that shouldn’t be, you create shame not safety and security

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's really odd your sister is making the adoption status an issue. Why in the world wouldn't she share that info? This never plays out well, and is the biggest issue here. Sister can't control how other people speak on social media.

I don't think there's anything wrong with telling a child they're adopted at a later age - maybe 10 or 12. When they can understand and ask appropriate questions.

As far as OPs actual question - I think even a toddler can understand and wonder why 'Grammie loves brother's curly hair and not my straight hair'.

They internalize that. And the fact that the whole family is doing this seems a bit suspect. I'd just make sure they don't do it in person and ignore them on social media.

NO
NO
NO
You don’t Wait that long to tell a kid that they are adopted.
Something that you weave into their story in their understanding from the time they can talk.

[Anonymous]

Resemblances are all over the place and people who are biologically related. I have a niece who is a fraternal twin and she and her twin look nothing alike one looks exactly like the mom, one looks exactly like the dad. It just so happens this niece has two adopted sons and those sons look exactly like even though they aren’t twins.And they look like they are biologically related to us. And we all talk about being related and who acts just like uncle Mike, etc. , what personality traits run in the family. Her sons act just like my brother, their grandfather. In our family we are ALL family including adoption which is not a secret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an adoptee. Your sister needs to stop this nonsense. Everything needs to be on the table, some people are related by blood, some by family. Stop the mixed messaging. Only the truth, no denial, no revisionist family history, no crazy stories.

+! As another adoptee. These things become an issue when the parents choose to make it one. I'm thankful I knew early on I was adopted, and that adoption/adopted wasn't treated like a dirty word in my family. I didn't look like my siblings, and I'm glad my family didn't pretend or tiptoe around those differences



Your sister is going to give her daughter major issues.