Sister is angry family discusses physical resemblances in front of adopted child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are really inappropriate to talk about resemblances online but she should also raise her child to know that she joined the family through adoption. BUT, a toddler isn't going to understand any of that. We get dumb comments all the time and it makes our child uncomfortable as they know they are adopted and how clueless people are.

OP here. I didn’t have any discussion about resemblance in front of my niece. My sisters issue is with our family and extended family doing it in person and online.

She is right and you calling the kid adopted child speaks volumes.

Hmmm there would be no context to this post if OP didn’t mention that the niece is adopted. Stop trying to make it something it’s not.

[Anonymous]

Simple, don't do it. This is something that upsets your sister. She has asked your family not to do it. Why would people continue to do something they know hurts or offends someone else.

It doesn't matter if they don't agree with her. What matters is respecting her enough to be thoughtful of her feelings.

If you love someone being thoughtful should be easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Simple, don't do it. This is something that upsets your sister. She has asked your family not to do it. Why would people continue to do something they know hurts or offends someone else.

It doesn't matter if they don't agree with her. What matters is respecting her enough to be thoughtful of her feelings.

If you love someone being thoughtful should be easy.

Sorry but no. This is abusive thinking, if you love me you'll do whatever I ask no matter how inappropriate the ask is. OP and her family can respect not telling the child she's adopted. They absolutely do not need to respect the request that they do not discuss family resemblances. I can only imagine what other conversation or activities sister will wish to censor in the future. Sometimes, many times, loving someone means setting boundaries and telling them no.

I will temper this by adding family conversations should include things that all can enjoy. I am adopted, I grew up hearing about family resemblances no big deal, but I also heard things about how grandma took ballet just like me as a girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both of you are wrong.

All the research says that kids need to know, from the very beginning, that they are adopted. It shouldn't be a Big Deal Secret revealed when they're older -- it should just be part of the conversation.

But it's also othering and isolating to talk about how one child inherited looks from parent or grandparent, and other child is left to believe that they aren't "really" part of the family.

I’m the first PP and totally agree. It should just be a known always. Then it’s never a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Being caught between a mother who is trying to hide one’s adoptedness and a grandmother who is constantly angling to spill the beans is going to suck for this child. Everyone needs to cool off and take their stuff to therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both of you are wrong.

All the research says that kids need to know, from the very beginning, that they are adopted. It shouldn't be a Big Deal Secret revealed when they're older -- it should just be part of the conversation.

But it's also othering and isolating to talk about how one child inherited looks from parent or grandparent, and other child is left to believe that they aren't "really" part of the family.

ALL of THIS! We adopted two toddlers (1 1/2 & 3 years old) and talked with them about their adoptions from the very beginning of our lives together. Have never regretted that decision and my children are completely well adjusted. They had great questions that we addressed when they asked. Didn't even consider waiting for the "right" age. Adoption is not something to hide; adoption is something to Celebrate!

[Anonymous]

What would be the reasoning for keeping an adoption a secret? I get that there used to be a stigma but now it’s much more out in the open. I have LBGTQ relatives who have open adoptions and they’re open less with the kids and relationship with the birth parents is really beautiful. Just curious why it needs to be hidden?

[Anonymous]

It's pretty crappy of family members to point out resemblances on social media when they know one of the children is adopted - whether that child knows it or not. If they want to have a private conversation with each other or even with your sister separate from her kids and the wider world, fine. But why would you do this when you know one of the kids is adopted? Seems like they are either trying to make it seem like the adopted kid is in fact biological, or they are trying to rub it in that the kid is adopted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would be the reasoning for keeping an adoption a secret? I get that there used to be a stigma but now it’s much more out in the open. I have LBGTQ relatives who have open adoptions and they’re open less with the kids and relationship with the birth parents is really beautiful. Just curious why it needs to be hidden?

It’s great if the birth parents are stable. We have a very open relation with one set and very closed with the other for good reason. Kid knows all.

[Anonymous]

People regularly comment on physical similarities no matter what. I have one child with very blonde hair in a whole family of brunettes. It gets commented on - sometimes poking fun, sometimes out of surprise, sometimes a backhanded comment. No biggie. Another child has some classic features common in DH's family that none of the rest of the kids share. It gets commented on but no one assumes the others "don't belong"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Simple, don't do it. This is something that upsets your sister. She has asked your family not to do it. Why would people continue to do something they know hurts or offends someone else.

It doesn't matter if they don't agree with her. What matters is respecting her enough to be thoughtful of her feelings.

If you love someone being thoughtful should be easy.

Sorry but no. This is abusive thinking, if you love me you'll do whatever I ask no matter how inappropriate the ask is. OP and her family can respect not telling the child she's adopted. They absolutely do not need to respect the request that they do not discuss family resemblances. I can only imagine what other conversation or activities sister will wish to censor in the future. Sometimes, many times, loving someone means setting boundaries and telling them no.

I will temper this by adding family conversations should include things that all can enjoy. I am adopted, I grew up hearing about family resemblances no big deal, but I also heard things about how grandma took ballet just like me as a girl.

And other adopted posters have said is alienating. It's not abusive not talking about comparisons every visit. What is abusive is doing something when you know it hurts someone. Surely there are other ways to enjoy your time together that is inclusive of everyone.

For the sister to have asked them to stop tells me the comments are frequent, I'm sure she would have ignored one or two comments. This seems like an ongoing situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People regularly comment on physical similarities no matter what. I have one child with very blonde hair in a whole family of brunettes. It gets commented on - sometimes poking fun, sometimes out of surprise, sometimes a backhanded comment. No biggie. Another child has some classic features common in DH's family that none of the rest of the kids share. It gets commented on but no one assumes the others "don't belong"

Are they adopted, because talking about this with biological children is missing the point.

[Anonymous]

My kids aren’t genetically related to me (queer couple, wife carried) and they know that as well as know they’re donor conceived.

That said, one of my sons does look a LOT like my grandfather when he was a boy. Though we know it isn’t possible, we talk at times about how much he looks like my side of the family. I always tell him its because I wished him into being.

His other brother does not look like my side of the family at all, but we find other things that “my side” has in common with him like his sense of humor, his enjoyment of sports, etc.

At the end of the day, for our family (and I have a very big extended family) - it’s about inclusivity. We are blessed with families built from adoption, blended families, multiracial families, childless aunties and uncles but I, and I think others in my family, work to make sure they all feel welcome and valued.

It sounds to me like your sister is worried that her daughter won’t or isn’t welcomed or valued in the same way as her birth son. I think a conversation is worthwhile.

“Hey Larla, I’m sorry you felt left out or awkward when Mom was comparing Bobby to Uncle Mike. Boy that is SOME NOSE, huh? What we love about Susie is that she makes the very same face you do when she is mad, and that she always wants to play chutes and ladders just like her cousin Phylis. I hope you know how glad we are that Susie is in our family and we love her to pieces.”

[Anonymous]

Your sister can only control herself. She needs to limit social media interaction with them if she doesn't approve of what is being said. I'd repeat that, a long with a little sympathy, to her every time she complains to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids aren’t genetically related to me (queer couple, wife carried) and they know that as well as know they’re donor conceived.

That said, one of my sons does look a LOT like my grandfather when he was a boy. Though we know it isn’t possible, we talk at times about how much he looks like my side of the family. I always tell him its because I wished him into being.

His other brother does not look like my side of the family at all, but we find other things that “my side” has in common with him like his sense of humor, his enjoyment of sports, etc.

At the end of the day, for our family (and I have a very big extended family) - it’s about inclusivity. We are blessed with families built from adoption, blended families, multiracial families, childless aunties and uncles but I, and I think others in my family, work to make sure they all feel welcome and valued.

It sounds to me like your sister is worried that her daughter won’t or isn’t welcomed or valued in the same way as her birth son. I think a conversation is worthwhile.

“Hey Larla, I’m sorry you felt left out or awkward when Mom was comparing Bobby to Uncle Mike. Boy that is SOME NOSE, huh? What we love about Susie is that she makes the very same face you do when she is mad, and that she always wants to play chutes and ladders just like her cousin Phylis. I hope you know how glad we are that Susie is in our family and we love her to pieces.”

This is a logical and loving approach IMO. I wish I was a member of your family!