Reply to Estranged Sibling entered rehab for alcoholism and wants to talk

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. I appreciate all if this advice. Right now I just can't stop thinking about all the hurtful things my brother has done. The most recent incident involved texting me and my wife old photos of me and my ex from over 20 yrs ago, Then insinuating they were recent photos. Earlier gatherings usually have involved him bringing up something from my past to my wife or trying to get other people in the room to admit that they hate my wife and talk about her behind her back. Other situations among may others have involved insults about my kids being rich assholes. I just don't understand where these came from and the behavior is always unprovoked. I have never received an apology for any of them. When I state to other family why I have chosen to distance myself, the only response I get is that my bro is jealous because he's in a loveless marriage. That's not an excuse. I'm mad there's no accountability in my family and that my parents keep enabling it. [/quote]

OP, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. A couple of thoughts:

1) I would strongly encourage you to write a letter to your brother (even if you never send it) detailing as many hurtful things that he has done as you can remember. The act of writing it all down may help you to purge some of this anger.

2) The rest of your family are not supporting you. They say that they want you all to "be a family" but it sounds to me like that is exactly what you and your wife have chosen. You have chosen to be family WITH HER and to be loyal to her and to your children and to yourself. If your parents cannot understand that, I'd say that the distance you're putting between yourself and relatives should grow rather than shrink.

3) Some other posters think that your responses indicate that you're holding onto things longer than you need to. I disagree. It sounds to me like this is a pattern of behavior that stretches for years and that there hasn't been any recourse for. Sometimes we set upsetting things aside because there is nothing to be done about them. Then when suddenly there is recourse available, it all comes flooding back. You are not wrong to feel the way you feel, when you are feeling it. Those feelings have been pent up for years, and it now sounds like he wants to be forgiven without being accountable for what he's done. Maybe that's how your parents operate, but you do not have to operate that way.

4) At this stage in his recovery, I'd personally respond that you're glad he's taking care of himself and wish him nothing but the best in his recovery, but that the behaviors that damaged your relationship will take a much longer conversation about what both of you want that relationship to be going forward. He will need to recognize exactly what he's apologizing for, and he will have to be able to hear the ways that it was hurtful - to you, to your wife, to your kids, whatever. This is not the time for that sort of conversation. The reason that amends comes later in the recovery process is that many people new to recovery are in no way ready to actually make amends - they can do half apologies like your brother, or ignore the past and turn over a new leaf to focus on the future, like your parents, but true real accountability is painful and a trigger for many newly sober folx.[/quote]

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