I can't keep subsidizing DS

[Anonymous]

Oh Op, you have blown it as a parent. Of course it matters IF you were going to pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kick him out! You’re making it far too easy for him to rely on your “subsidizing”. Does he even pay rent? Who cares about Yale pipe dreams, he’s a loser, I’m sorry. I’m a woman who started paying $20 in rent a week the July I turned 18. This grown ass man can’t do that? You must be so proud of yourself, OP.

Dp. This is really harsh.

NP, I agree. Way to kick the op down when she's already at her wit's end, jackass.

Maybe I am a jackass, that doesn’t hurt my feelings. I sleep well knowing I don’t have a grown man at my house playing video games while I go to work to pay for his lifestyle.

Your kids must really hate you. Because you sound like someone who was a huge helicopter parrot and thinks they know what's best for their child.

Not to derail this thread, but this is the best typo ever!

Carry on.

[Anonymous]

OP, had NO plan for how to pay for college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, had NO plan for how to pay for college

That's simply not true and quite frankly I am offended that she would even suggest that I am too poor to pay for college. You do not know how much DH and I make in a year, nor if we had a college savings plan lined up.

The fact of the matter is our child LIED to us and continues to be lazy and reject any semblance of applying to schools or getting a job. We are at our wits end but don't know what to do. He cannot afford to live in this area, but we cannot continue to subsidize him, especially since our incomes have been impacted by Covid-19.

I am asking for help on what to do, not asking you to make snap judgments and silly comments about my perceived inability to pay for college.

Me and DH have a combined HHI of $150,000/year. Of course we could pay for college.

[Anonymous]

You need to adjust your expectations... he wasn't getting into Harvard, Yale or Princeton with a 3.75 GPA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kick him out! You’re making it far too easy for him to rely on your “subsidizing”. Does he even pay rent? Who cares about Yale pipe dreams, he’s a loser, I’m sorry. I’m a woman who started paying $20 in rent a week the July I turned 18. This grown ass man can’t do that? You must be so proud of yourself, OP.

Dp. This is really harsh.

NP. No, it's not.

[Anonymous]

3.75 would get laughed at by any admissions officer at HYP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Easy enough. Stop paying for his phone.

+ agree. Don't give him any money. Buy really basic groceries. For those saying "kick him out", I think that's much easier said than done. However, it is easy to make life at home boring and uncomfortable. And, if that results in him just laying on his bed all day, OP will know she is dealing with something more serious than laziness.

Agree you can't just kick him out. Otherwise, he wouldn't have the means to gain employment, go to school, etc. OP, tell him he needs to get an interim job immediately, grocery store...something like that. Start giving him financial responsibilities...e.g. rent he can pay through that employment, phone bill...whatever. Make it uncomfortable but not impossible for him to pay. Also give him a timeline for something more meaningful...must be putting in school applications now with a consequence. For example, if something else isn't lined up in two months he has to move. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Percy I don't see anything wrong with your child's behavior. All of these "hard ass" parents here probably have miserable kids who secretly hate them because they were too hard on them growing up.

There is nothing wrong with your child, let him be.

Lol so it’s okay for kids to graduate high school, refuse to make a plan for college or work, and stay home and play video games in the basement all day? It’s October, so... it’s been 5 months of this now? And nothings wrong with that?

+1

Top PP, these are normal parents. Not "hard ass." That's why you're one of about two parents that have said he's fine. You're the bad parent with the slacker kid. Sorry to burst your bubble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, had NO plan for how to pay for college

That's simply not true and quite frankly I am offended that she would even suggest that I am too poor to pay for college. You do not know how much DH and I make in a year, nor if we had a college savings plan lined up.

The fact of the matter is our child LIED to us and continues to be lazy and reject any semblance of applying to schools or getting a job. We are at our wits end but don't know what to do. He cannot afford to live in this area, but we cannot continue to subsidize him, especially since our incomes have been impacted by Covid-19.

I am asking for help on what to do, not asking you to make snap judgments and silly comments about my perceived inability to pay for college.

Me and DH have a combined HHI of $150,000/year. Of course we could pay for college.

First issue I would explore is whether there are mental health issues. His behavior strikes me as symptomatic of depression, anxiety and/or addiction. Resolving this question isn't something you can do overnight. You pretty much need to find a therapist and also a psychiatrist. Once you resolve that you can make a plan.

If there are no mental health issues, I would suggest discussing a plan that involves looking for a job. There is something about work that provides both structure and a sense of self worth. I'd also explore what he may want to do - college, community college, trade school. I'd be developing time lines and following through every day to be sure that the expectations have been met. If your son is not following through with his responsibilities and taking steps toward independence, then I'd be cutting things off. Things I would stop include money, internet access, access to your car if he drives, and possibly cellphone. Already I would be stopping paying for activities and any food that you buy typically because he likes it.

If there are mental health issues, then you need to work with a therapist and psychiatrist to develop a plan.

This isn't going to get better overnight. And, just a warning, things could blow up once your start with the expectations because it sounds like there haven't been consequences for his actions and inactions up to this point. He may just leave and if you take the phone, you won't be able to track that if it matters to you - not that allowing him to keep a phone guarantees this since location can be turned off. There might be the potential for violence once he starts losing things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:College, military, job, or leave. Those are his options. Don't back down, OP.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kick him out! You’re making it far too easy for him to rely on your “subsidizing”. Does he even pay rent? Who cares about Yale pipe dreams, he’s a loser, I’m sorry. I’m a woman who started paying $20 in rent a week the July I turned 18. This grown ass man can’t do that? You must be so proud of yourself, OP.

Dp. This is really harsh.

NP, I agree. Way to kick the op down when she's already at her wit's end, jackass.

Maybe I am a jackass, that doesn’t hurt my feelings. I sleep well knowing I don’t have a grown man at my house playing video games while I go to work to pay for his lifestyle.

Your kids must really hate you. Because you sound like someone who was a huge helicopter parrot and thinks they know what's best for their child.

Well, that's the stuff of nightmares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:College, military, job, or leave. Those are his options. Don't back down, OP.

This.

that expectation should have been made early. Growing up, I never would have thought staying home and doing nothing was a possibility. My parents used to joke college or military (which is the route my father went, so probably more seriously than most people), but everyone knew it wasn't really a joke. It's harsh, but kids should know that they aren't allowed to live at home and do nothing indefinitely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't kick him out.

But I'd tell him that if he wants access to the wi-fi you pay for, he needs to either be enrolled in college courses full time (start at NVCC) OR working full time (40+ hours a week) or some combo of the 2. So part time work, and 2 college course I'd be okay with.

If he does not comply, you cut off his wi-fi and smart phone. That'll get his attention. Hand him a flip phone, with only a few minutes for calls to NVCC and for job applications.

This.

[Anonymous]

Op had no plan
Now Op is mad that DS has no plan either