I can't keep subsidizing DS

[Anonymous]

The DS should be signing up NOW for classes at the local community college starting in January. In the meantime, the DS needs to find a job NOW to help pay for food/rent/phone/insurance and CC classes. With the holidays coming up, there should be plenty of options.

Figure out a path, and if there isn't one, the military or other service and something that takes 8-10 hours a day out of the house doing something productive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he supposed to pay for his college applications on his own because if not and you were paying how could you not know that he never submitted them?

I am astounded anyone could be THIS divorced from the college application process. The delusion about the GPA is just the start. Never filled out a FAFSA? Never reviewed an essay? Provided a credit card? Toured schools? Met with a counselor? NONE of those things happened?

+1 I agree with both of you. The OP has really let this poor kid down.

[Anonymous]

He's an adult. Kick him out if he won't work. He should be glad he's not my kid. I AM harsh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he supposed to pay for his college applications on his own because if not and you were paying how could you not know that he never submitted them?

I am astounded anyone could be THIS divorced from the college application process. The delusion about the GPA is just the start. Never filled out a FAFSA? Never reviewed an essay? Provided a credit card? Toured schools? Met with a counselor? NONE of those things happened?

I had great parents who didn't do any of those things. I'd had jobs in HS and they also gave me some money. I had a checking account, so I wrote the checks to pay the application fees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he supposed to pay for his college applications on his own because if not and you were paying how could you not know that he never submitted them?

I am astounded anyone could be THIS divorced from the college application process. The delusion about the GPA is just the start. Never filled out a FAFSA? Never reviewed an essay? Provided a credit card? Toured schools? Met with a counselor? NONE of those things happened?

I had great parents who didn't do any of those things. I'd had jobs in HS and they also gave me some money. I had a checking account, so I wrote the checks to pay the application fees.

Except these days, the application process is mostly online. Paying the fee on the Common App finalizes the submission. So unless this unemployed kid has a credit card of his own, OP would have been involved either by paying or giving the DS a card (and later getting the statement). So I can’t see how she didn’t know apps weren’t being submitted.

[Anonymous]

I am thinking OP is from another country. If that is the case, you and your DS need some guidance/counseling in applying to schools. While a community college class or 2 might seem like a good idea, your DS would then be a “transfer” student into a 4 year school. FYI, some schools don’t offer any financial aid to a transfer. This process is going to be a little more challenging since your DS is no longer in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused about how your child lied to you about applying to college. If he doesn’t have a job now, presumably he didn’t have a job in high school. Which means that you would have had to pay the application fee. How did you not realize he hadn’t applied?

You seem to have very unrealistic expectations. As others have said, 3.75 is not going to get you into Harvard or Yale. A $150,000 HHI is not enough to pay for either of those schools, and maybe not even a state school. You strike me as someone who really does not understand how the real world works, and didn’t prepare her child for it either.

If this is real, OP and her DH are completely clueless about the college entry process and how much college costs now. Her son is not, and realizes a) that he can’t get into Harvard/Yale/etc, and b) that his parents can’t pay for it anyway. So now he is stuck.

OP - look into community college, or an apprentice program.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am thinking OP is from another country. If that is the case, you and your DS need some guidance/counseling in applying to schools. While a community college class or 2 might seem like a good idea, your DS would then be a “transfer” student into a 4 year school. FYI, some schools don’t offer any financial aid to a transfer. This process is going to be a little more challenging since your DS is no longer in high school.

Agreed. OP, if you didn't understand how all this works, then how can you expect he would? The stuff you are writing doesn't make sense. There's no shame in that if you are unfamiliar with the process, but don't blame him for that.

It's reasonable to expect him to be working at school or a job, and for him to contribute. It's not reasonable to think he could get in anywhere he wanted with that GPA, if he only tried. That's way off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kick him out! You’re making it far too easy for him to rely on your “subsidizing”. Does he even pay rent? Who cares about Yale pipe dreams, he’s a loser, I’m sorry. I’m a woman who started paying $20 in rent a week the July I turned 18. This grown ass man can’t do that? You must be so proud of yourself, OP.

19 is not a grown man. He's a teenager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, drop the "Harvard, Yale, Princeton, UVA" line of thinking. That just makes you sound clueless. We need to know more about *why* you didn't insist on applications --- last year.

There's a story there ~ I'll bet you wouldn't pay.

Op here...I encouraged him to apply to all of those schools and he said he would and I thought he did. My income and/or will to pay is not of discussion in this conversation. He lied to me and DH when he said he would apply and didn't.

All of the parents I know are pretty involved in helping their kids with applying to college and visiting schools, especially if they are on the caliber of a Havard, Yale, etc. Your story doesn’t make sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, drop the "Harvard, Yale, Princeton, UVA" line of thinking. That just makes you sound clueless. We need to know more about *why* you didn't insist on applications --- last year.

There's a story there ~ I'll bet you wouldn't pay.

Op here...I encouraged him to apply to all of those schools and he said he would and I thought he did. My income and/or will to pay is not of discussion in this conversation. He lied to me and DH when he said he would apply and didn't.

All of the parents I know are pretty involved in helping their kids with applying to college and visiting schools, especially if they are on the caliber of a Havard, Yale, etc. Your story doesn’t make sense.

+1. There is a middle ground between helicopter and total laissez faire parenting. This falls firmly in the latter category. Allowing him to sit at home doing nothing is also indicative of that- I don't see much parenting happening here at all. Even if he is legally an adult, you should be providing guidance and support, not just supporting him financially or he is going to be a total failure to launch. This needs to be turned around and fixed ASAP because it's off to a pretty rocky start.

[Anonymous]

He sounds depressed and you sound delusional. Get him therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am thinking OP is from another country. If that is the case, you and your DS need some guidance/counseling in applying to schools. While a community college class or 2 might seem like a good idea, your DS would then be a “transfer” student into a 4 year school. FYI, some schools don’t offer any financial aid to a transfer. This process is going to be a little more challenging since your DS is no longer in high school.

I don't think so. This is not the immigrant mentality. This is an entitled mentality of the kid and the do nothing mentality of the parents. A whole lifetime of dysfuntion that produces Proud Boys, QAnon believers and InCels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 19-year-old son refuses to look for a job and he doesn’t want to go to college. Should I continue supporting him or make him leave the house?

He had a 3.75 GPA out of high school, and yet he refused to apply to any university. If he wanted to, he probably could have gotten into Harvard, Yale, Princeton, UVA or any school that he wanted to.

Instead he sits around all day, playing video games, talking on Snapchat and just being lazy. He refuses to work and is generally starting to get on all of our nerves (Covid-19 made it worse with the quartining).

so where do we go from here? What is the end game and should we just cut all ties and kick him out or be mindful and continue to support him?

Yup. Rural White supporter of Trump.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, drop the "Harvard, Yale, Princeton, UVA" line of thinking. That just makes you sound clueless. We need to know more about *why* you didn't insist on applications --- last year.

There's a story there ~ I'll bet you wouldn't pay.

Op here...I encouraged him to apply to all of those schools and he said he would and I thought he did. My income and/or will to pay is not of discussion in this conversation. He lied to me and DH when he said he would apply and didn't.

OP, he knows he can't win your approval by doing what he can and he still cares enough to try. He sounds terrified to let you down.

He needs to go to state college next year and get a job in the meantime. Any job. Like Starbucks. And you need to encourage him to do so. Like, the video-game-consoles-are-sold-next-weekend kind of support.