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[quote=Anonymous]

“I think the question is whether the "attachment he had with this other woman was strong enough to make DH think about separating," or whether that feeling existed before and he reached out to someone for connection. I think that putting this into the "affair" category and disclaim any of your own fault and need to work on things, too. Sure, maybe he shouldn't have done this, but if you get hung up on that and punishing him for that, you'll never get to the deeper issues that need to be addressed to save the marriage. That is the danger with labeling this an affair.

Now, it sounds like you recognize (from your original post) that the marriage had already started to go downhill some (which is totally normal), and it sounds like you want to work on it. But I caution against putting this into the affair category and demanding that he take more responsibility than is fair for what has happened to bthe relationship.[/quote]”

OP.
These are all good points and have given me a lot to think about. We were not in a good place when this all happened, and this woman definitely provided my DH validation/connection when I was too busy/complacent. Both DH and I took each other for granted and put much more effort into our careers/kids than our marriage. My best friend thinks the events of last summer were a blessing for our marriage as we are now communicating/connecting much more and better.

We have both acknowledged our part in how stale our marriage had become. But, I do not think it was bad enough to separate/divorce. I think the other woman, and the possibility of what could be with her, and his infatuation with her, was a driver to him even discussing separation.. Even with our own marriage troubles, it still pains me that he went outside of our marriage instead of talking to me (easier said than done, I know). I know our underlying marriage problems were not due to the “limerance”? which came later, but that does not make it easier to forget it happened, the secrecy,  or trust that he won’t do it again.  At the moment, I’m not demanding anything of him—we never talk about it anymore—but I am struggling with my inability to trust DH. And I’m just hoping that this mistrust does not last forever. 
PPs mentioned him getting therapy. He just won’t. He does not believe in it [/quote]

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