Reply to When marriage therapy brings out deep issues

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "When marriage therapy brings out deep issues"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]DH and I are getting ready to begin couples therapy. We've been doing a better job of communicating with one another, talking about a lot of stuff over the last couple weeks that has built up over time. He says he wants to bring up some of this stuff before we start therapy so it doesn't just become one big unproductive, unloading session for us which I think makes sense.

I am trying to make sure I am open to hearing him and not criticizing or diminishing his feelings. However, some things he said recently about his feelings seemed way out in left field for me. For instance, he said he has to this day a deep distrust because years ago I remained friends with a guy I dated before DH, and DH thought that I was still having sex with that guy while we were dating, which I was not and assured him of without hesitation. I don't know how to explain it but hearing that made me so confused -- I keep thinking about it and wondering how he could be with me this whole time thinking I had cheated on him or been interested in other people...? Without bringing it up?

It's hard to hear that, sure, but more importantly for me, how can I even change to help him trust me when I didn't actually do what he imagines I did? It has been literally almost 10 years since I've seen the old friend, and completely cut him out like 2-3 years ago because he's a douche and I have told DH I should've done that years before but even then, all we ever did was talk maybe once a year if that.

Maybe I'm focusing too much on this one thing but also I am now a bit concerned about what other things will come up in therapy that were just not even close to my radar as far as our relationship is concerned. How can we work through very deep things like this?[/quote]

I see two red flags

you are planning to have couple counseling and your DH suggested you talk before between the two of you. why exactly? that sounds like me when I clean the house the night before the cleaners come.  you are paying a professional precisely so you can have a conversation with your husband guided by somebody with experience. sounds like your DH prefers to deal with you alone. stick to the original plan. go the counselor and have the convo there. your husband's reasoning does not make sense, based on what you write sounds like he prefers to talk with you alone so he can manipulate you.

the cheating thing. I found very sad and concerning your sentence that how can you change to help him. It sounds like you were persuaded that you are at some fault and that you should change to make him happy. you even go on saying that if you have not seen in a couple of years a friend who cheated 5 years ago. so now you need to cut off any friend who divorced in the past otherwise your husband does not trust you? are you nuts?

I think you maybe should also do individual therapy. it seems that your husband has beaten you down so much that you believe that his problems are due to you and that you should change to make him feel better. your husband's problems and insecurities are his own and you should not be the one changing. you are going to set yourself up for a miserable life if you let him manipulate like that. 
[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics