Should I get back together with him?

[Anonymous]

Posters who are commenting that they didn’t need to go though the proposal process are annoying. Stop injecting your “unique, better than” experiences in OP’s story.

Don’t you get that the marriage is the issue? Whether he proposes traditionally or not

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, why don’t you propose to HIM? You’re the one on a mission.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP, why don’t you propose to HIM? You’re the one on a mission.

She kinda did. And it's not like he grabbed her hand and said:"Let's do it right now!".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posters who are commenting that they didn’t need to go though the proposal process are annoying. Stop injecting your “unique, better than” experiences in OP’s story.

Don’t you get that the marriage is the issue? Whether he proposes traditionally or not

I’m one of those posters, and it’s not “unique, better than” its - you don’t need a ring to get married. He doesn’t need to ring shop. She’s saying he’s not meeting her timeline, but has she really and truly been crystal clear about that? Has she really communicated and discussed with him marriage? If it’s about a timeline then the proposal and shit matters cause she’s waiting for him to ask her. If it’s about a MARRIAGE then it’s about communicating and deciding together how to move forward.

[Anonymous]

Jeez, its only been a year!
The question is not what his timetable is, but how he treats you. The last thing is the only thing that is important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP, why don’t you propose to HIM? You’re the one on a mission.

She kinda did. And it's not like he grabbed her hand and said:"Let's do it right now!".

Yeah no she dumped him with an ultimatum.

[Anonymous]

A year does seem arbitrary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I would just move on. You don't sound very excited aout him, you just seem anoyed he didn't fit into your schedule. I understand getting nervous at 35, but you don't want to rush it, or just get a ring so you can have the marriage and the baby, only to be divorcing by the time the kid is 3.

I would see other people and see what happens.

OP here. I’m very into. I’m in love with him but I’m also not going to stay in a relationship that never turns into anything else. I know many women who have stayed with the idea that they would eventually get married and it never happened. I was upfront many times that I’m looking for marriage.

My husband and I were together for 6 yrs before we got married, and lived together for 4. A year is nothing, if you love him and everything else is fine. You will waste another year or two trying to find someone else.....

[Anonymous]

OP - SInce when does a "ring" mean engagement? Are you telling him you need a RING to continue dating or to be engaged? Sounds like you've been talking about getting married for a while, so you're sort of engaged already, right? I mean get back together with him, continue talking about getting married, but change the discussion to HOW you're going to marry during the pandemic, WHERE you're going to marry, talk about dates and move on. If he's shopping for rings, that'll come. But separate the ring from the engagement.

[Anonymous]

I think OP doesn't love this dude, she just needs a guy to slot into her wedding and babies plan, and he's being a big meanie by not conforming to her timeline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, at that age you either know or not after a year. My DH and I knew 6 months in we wanted to get married. We decided to wait to move in to get engaged. We got engaged at the 2 year mark, married 4 months later because neither wanted nor cared for a big wedding. But we always knew we were headed in that direction. It does sound like you care more about your timeline than him as a person, though, because I'm sure he hinted at getting engaged by the end of the year, you just didn't want to listen because it wasn't exactly what you wanted to hear.

Why? You're sure about this because....? That was your experience?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I would just move on. You don't sound very excited aout him, you just seem anoyed he didn't fit into your schedule. I understand getting nervous at 35, but you don't want to rush it, or just get a ring so you can have the marriage and the baby, only to be divorcing by the time the kid is 3.

I would see other people and see what happens.

OP here. I’m very into. I’m in love with him but I’m also not going to stay in a relationship that never turns into anything else. I know many women who have stayed with the idea that they would eventually get married and it never happened. I was upfront many times that I’m looking for marriage.

My husband and I were together for 6 yrs before we got married, and lived together for 4. A year is nothing, if you love him and everything else is fine. You will waste another year or two trying to find someone else.....

At what age? Do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

I think you may have jumped the gun on this one a bit, but also who knows if you would have stayed if the outcome would have been different. I don't know that I would put too much stock in his comment about looking at rings. That's a very easy thing for him to say that is low commitment to get you to stick around.

What seems to be missing is the two of you having active conversation about what each of you wants and when you want it. It sounds like you did a lot of talking about what YOU want...but did you ever talk about what you as a couple want together? Did you sit down and make plans together? If not, you've clearly missed a big opportunity. If you did and don't feel he's holding up his end of the bargain, then you did the right thing.

Honestly, after all this and how it went down, unless he comes back to you and clearly tells you he is sure he wants to marry you, and tells you a timeline on which that will happen, I don't know how you move forward. You going back just because he says he loves you is not going to make you feel any better about marriage, and you issuing an ultimatum that you only come back if he proposed and sets a date probably isn't going to feel right either. Unless it comes truly, sincerely, and completely from him, I don't think its going to work...which is I guess my long way of somewhat agreeing with the "wait him out" posters, although something about saying that feels a bit icky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - assuming you feel this way -- how about you say or write him this message, "I love you and would like to be married to you but if that is not what you want, I need to start dating other people"

I think you need to make it clear that Break Up does not equal you don't love him anymore. I think stating you love him, and want to be married to him is perfectly ok to say. Own it. Own it, but state your terms: it's happening now, yes or no.

I would add the bolded above and do this. I like it.

[Anonymous]

You jumped the gun. You need to date someone for a year minimum to even really know if you are a good fit together- see each other in all seasons before you can make the decision of whether a lifetime together is doable. To expect a ring after just a year of dating is completely unreasonable. I've seen other girlfriends do this, turns out they didn't really know their spouse prior to marriage, and marriages fell apart shortly thereafter.

You screwed things up by trying to rush things, especially if all else was going well between you two. It's okay to tell someone you want marriage and all that, and aren't looking to date forever. It's okay to even say that you won't consider dating someone longer for 2 years w/o a more significant commitment. Marriage is a big commitment, and sometimes it takes longer for 1 partner to be ready to make the leap than the other. If you can't be patient enough while waiting for your partner to get there, you certainly are not ready for marriage, which is nothing but a big exercise in patience.

I'd call up your guy, apologize, tell him you love him, want to be with him, and want to marry him, one day, when he's ready.