Should I get back together with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I would just move on. You don't sound very excited aout him, you just seem anoyed he didn't fit into your schedule. I understand getting nervous at 35, but you don't want to rush it, or just get a ring so you can have the marriage and the baby, only to be divorcing by the time the kid is 3.

I would see other people and see what happens.

OP here. I’m very into. I’m in love with him but I’m also not going to stay in a relationship that never turns into anything else. I know many women who have stayed with the idea that they would eventually get married and it never happened. I was upfront many times that I’m looking for marriage.

My husband and I were together for 6 yrs before we got married, and lived together for 4. A year is nothing, if you love him and everything else is fine. You will waste another year or two trying to find someone else.....

At what age? Do you have kids?

I was 37 when we got married, and he was 32. Unable to have biological children.

[Anonymous]

You created a big problem for yourself, b/c now any proposal that is forthcoming you will question if he did it b/c he really wants to marry you, or if you felt pressured. That's a great foundation for a marriage.

Quite frankly- you messed up big time. And your excuse about being over 35 and all is nothing but an excuse. It's no reason to pressure someone into a lifetime commitment. Do you realize what another year or two is compared to a life time together? Do you really think you can just go out there and find someone else tomorrow to love, that loves you back, and you feel is marriage material? Is it that easy to find someone to date another year before some arbitrary deadline? Then you'll both want to jump into marriage at the same time and it's going to magically work out?

LOL. This is the most humorous post I've see all morning. Good luck OP- you need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You jumped the gun. You need to date someone for a year minimum to even really know if you are a good fit together- see each other in all seasons before you can make the decision of whether a lifetime together is doable. To expect a ring after just a year of dating is completely unreasonable. I've seen other girlfriends do this, turns out they didn't really know their spouse prior to marriage, and marriages fell apart shortly thereafter.

You screwed things up by trying to rush things, especially if all else was going well between you two. It's okay to tell someone you want marriage and all that, and aren't looking to date forever. It's okay to even say that you won't consider dating someone longer for 2 years w/o a more significant commitment. Marriage is a big commitment, and sometimes it takes longer for 1 partner to be ready to make the leap than the other. If you can't be patient enough while waiting for your partner to get there, you certainly are not ready for marriage, which is nothing but a big exercise in patience.

I'd call up your guy, apologize, tell him you love him, want to be with him, and want to marry him, one day, when he's ready.

Feel like the bolded part is key. You can't spend your marriage blindsiding him, issuing ultimatums, etc. Sometimes thing won't go in your favor. You have to be ready to pick your battles and compromise on the rest.

[Anonymous]

^ ignore. People aren't perfect. And mature people ready for marriage accept that. He knows you. He knows what's important to you. He would be able to figure out why you acted the way you did, even if it was not done well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - assuming you feel this way -- how about you say or write him this message, "I love you and would like to be married to you but if that is not what you want, I need to start dating other people"

I think you need to make it clear that Break Up does not equal you don't love him anymore. I think stating you love him, and want to be married to him is perfectly ok to say. Own it. Own it, but state your terms: it's happening now, yes or no.

I would add the bolded above and do this. I like it.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you skipped the part where you made it clear you had an internal timeline by which he needed to propose. So I think you were being unfair to him if you hadn't made it clear that if you did't have a commitment by XX, you would need to explore your options. THe other approach could have been a discussion--i love you and want to spend my life with you, but I also want to have children and dont want to waste time, given my age. Are you on the same page and if so, can we discuss the future?

I think you should 'get back' together with him. ANd dont think that he only proposed because you forced him into it. If he wasn't into you, the fact that you broke upwith him would have been a relief. Please dont put him through more of the wringer by making him 'prove' it.If he proposes,then accept happily, celebrate and marry. good luck.

[Anonymous]

pp here-whoops, sorry reading fail. I see you did tell him you wanted "by a year." is it one year on the dot? this is hard because its possible he was very serious about proposing soon, or its possible he was not. But I still dont think that he's going to marry someone he doesn't want to marry just beause you broke up.

Why dont you give it a few weeks, see how you feel without him and vice versa. then go out to dinner. fwiw, DH broke up with me after a few months of dating. after I finally got over it, he got back in contact. I really didn't know whether to see him again. all my friends told me to keep moving. on. I agreed on dinner. we are on year 12 of a fairly stable marriage now. Once we got back together he never wavered.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I wanted to give an update to everyone. We are back together. We had a long talk about everything and have decided to put this behind us. I do feel stupid and like I should have waited. We had multiple talks and I was upfront about what I wanted, and then we hen it happened, I worried. I wasted two years in my former relationship with the same talks and then nothing ever happened. I eventually ended that relationship. I didn’t want that to happen again and I rushed it. I do love him and I’m in love with him. He is the man I want to spend my life with. I guess I did this because I really wanted to know how he would feel about losing me and if really felt the same way. He said he was going to propose Memorial Day weekend ( my birthday) but everything was shutdown because of the pandemic. He wanted to do something really special. He showed me he has been looking at rings and was even communicating months back online with jewelers. We have decided get engaged soon and then move in with him. I’m glad I got him back. He was hurt but he said he really respected me for standing up for myself. He found it sexy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would get back to him under 2 conditions, engagement and a concrete wedding date or you'll risk staying in engagement mode forever and would lose precious time with him.

This. Especially since OP is concerned about wasting time/ her fertility on a guy.

OP, I'm glad it sounds like it's working out. I would hold him to this though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wanted to give an update to everyone. We are back together. We had a long talk about everything and have decided to put this behind us. I do feel stupid and like I should have waited. We had multiple talks and I was upfront about what I wanted, and then we hen it happened, I worried. I wasted two years in my former relationship with the same talks and then nothing ever happened. I eventually ended that relationship. I didn’t want that to happen again and I rushed it. I do love him and I’m in love with him. He is the man I want to spend my life with. I guess I did this because I really wanted to know how he would feel about losing me and if really felt the same way. He said he was going to propose Memorial Day weekend ( my birthday) but everything was shutdown because of the pandemic. He wanted to do something really special. He showed me he has been looking at rings and was even communicating months back online with jewelers. We have decided get engaged soon and then move in with him. I’m glad I got him back. He was hurt but he said he really respected me for standing up for myself. He found it sexy.

Good for you two! Thanks for sharing an update, too many people don’t report back after they get advice. It’s nice when things work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wanted to give an update to everyone. We are back together. We had a long talk about everything and have decided to put this behind us. I do feel stupid and like I should have waited. We had multiple talks and I was upfront about what I wanted, and then we hen it happened, I worried. I wasted two years in my former relationship with the same talks and then nothing ever happened. I eventually ended that relationship. I didn’t want that to happen again and I rushed it. I do love him and I’m in love with him. He is the man I want to spend my life with. I guess I did this because I really wanted to know how he would feel about losing me and if really felt the same way. He said he was going to propose Memorial Day weekend ( my birthday) but everything was shutdown because of the pandemic. He wanted to do something really special. He showed me he has been looking at rings and was even communicating months back online with jewelers. We have decided get engaged soon and then move in with him. I’m glad I got him back. He was hurt but he said he really respected me for standing up for myself. He found it sexy.

Please update when you get engaged and set a wedding date. I like updates.

[Anonymous]

I think say you just need some time to yourself to think about your life’s priorities. Ie, HE takes time to himself and thinks about his priorities. If he really wants to be together he’ll come back with a plan. If he starts dating other people, you have your answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wanted to give an update to everyone. We are back together. We had a long talk about everything and have decided to put this behind us. I do feel stupid and like I should have waited. We had multiple talks and I was upfront about what I wanted, and then we hen it happened, I worried. I wasted two years in my former relationship with the same talks and then nothing ever happened. I eventually ended that relationship. I didn’t want that to happen again and I rushed it. I do love him and I’m in love with him. He is the man I want to spend my life with. I guess I did this because I really wanted to know how he would feel about losing me and if really felt the same way. He said he was going to propose Memorial Day weekend ( my birthday) but everything was shutdown because of the pandemic. He wanted to do something really special. He showed me he has been looking at rings and was even communicating months back online with jewelers. We have decided get engaged soon and then move in with him. I’m glad I got him back. He was hurt but he said he really respected me for standing up for myself. He found it sexy.

Please update when you get engaged and set a wedding date. I like updates.

Agree!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wanted to give an update to everyone. We are back together. We had a long talk about everything and have decided to put this behind us. I do feel stupid and like I should have waited. We had multiple talks and I was upfront about what I wanted, and then we hen it happened, I worried. I wasted two years in my former relationship with the same talks and then nothing ever happened. I eventually ended that relationship. I didn’t want that to happen again and I rushed it. I do love him and I’m in love with him. He is the man I want to spend my life with. I guess I did this because I really wanted to know how he would feel about losing me and if really felt the same way. He said he was going to propose Memorial Day weekend ( my birthday) but everything was shutdown because of the pandemic. He wanted to do something really special. He showed me he has been looking at rings and was even communicating months back online with jewelers. We have decided get engaged soon and then move in with him. I’m glad I got him back. He was hurt but he said he really respected me for standing up for myself. He found it sexy.

Good for you two! Thanks for sharing an update, too many people don’t report back after they get advice. It’s nice when things work out.

+1. I didn't do this exactly like you did OP but when my now husband missed the deadline I had been clear about we had a VERY rocky 3-4 months where I was seriously considering breaking up with him and he knew it. A lot of people were like, 'its wrong to give ultimatums' and I kind of agree but I also think these situations are really different. The only thing I did was inform my DH of where my head was at so he could make an informed decision. The reality was I would move on if he didn't propose, its an ultimatum but it was also just the truth.

Many women sit around waiting for a guy for years and years and they end up miserable. Take control of your life I say! Although next time maybe just have a 'very serious' conversation instead of breaking up.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t fully get back together with him. If I were you I’d tell him you can keep seeing each other but not exclusively, you need to keep your options open, you will be dating multiple men at the same time, and you will stop dating multiple people when there’s a ring on your finger- whether it’s from him or another guy. Serial monogamy is for young people whose clocks aren’t ticking.