Is this a disability?

[Anonymous]

Anxiety and phobia. She should probably work through it with a third party since the family tension/judgement is there and will only make things worse (teaching my child to drive was horrible but a driving teacher had excellent success)

She has to want to do it. Respond with sympathy and positivity that you believe she can conquer this instead of tearing her down for the past. Remind her that GPS now is a huge help in making driving more relaxing and confident because it will always help you get straightened out. I was a nervous driver without it. I still use it when driving in the city because I know one wrong turn will get me off course and it's reassuring to have a backup plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She'll need to make a lifestyle change if this is affecting her so greatly that she wants help from family in another country. Maybe she needs to move somewhere that is more walkable or close to public transport. It doesn't sound like something she willing or able to overcome at this point in her life. Plenty of people live without driving. She will need to figure it out.

OP here. People are attacking me for being intolerant and mean, but my sister is very stubborn and difficult to get along with. She can't maintain a friendship or romantic relationship for very long, which is why she needs me now and is why she is asking me to come from another country to help her once again Our relationship consists of me giving and her taking: I listen to her talk about her problems and herself, while she would never ask about me or how I am doing, and over the years I have repeatedly gone to great lengths to get her out of various mishaps that she caused herself. She has never remembered my birthday, even though I send her a gift every year for hers, and she makes no attempt to communicate with or show interest in my child.

She's a little bit like Sheldon Cooper: very rigid and has always assumed and expected me to help her out of messes that she mostly creates for herself. I feel a great deal of responsibility for her and yes, I have not always behaved in ways that make me proud now. I love her, but she is the most exasperating person I know.

[Anonymous]

Doesn’t she make good money? Can she hire one permanent driver?

[Anonymous]

She definitely has something. Maybe it’s autism, maybe Asperger’s, I don’t know. I feel bad for her child. The father isn’t in the picture to give some sense of normalcy too...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She definitely has something. Maybe it’s autism, maybe Asperger’s, I don’t know. I feel bad for her child. The father isn’t in the picture to give some sense of normalcy too...

Aspergers is autism. It’s just the one diagnosis.

Op, your sister does sound like she has some rigidity—which people with LDs, adhd, autism, or anxiety can have.

The not wanting to drive sounds like she has anxiety and difficulty multitasking, which is probably related to her executive functioning skills. At this point, she doesn’t sound like she’s willing to investigate why or how to overcome the driving issue.

It’s unreasonable of her to expect you to move overseas for her. There are possible solutions at her disposal, but it’s probably a waste of time to reiterate them. If she keeps asking you, just say, “I love you, but I won’t do this.” Rinse repeat .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She'll need to make a lifestyle change if this is affecting her so greatly that she wants help from family in another country. Maybe she needs to move somewhere that is more walkable or close to public transport. It doesn't sound like something she willing or able to overcome at this point in her life. Plenty of people live without driving. She will need to figure it out.

OP here. People are attacking me for being intolerant and mean, but my sister is very stubborn and difficult to get along with. She can't maintain a friendship or romantic relationship for very long, which is why she needs me now and is why she is asking me to come from another country to help her once again Our relationship consists of me giving and her taking: I listen to her talk about her problems and herself, while she would never ask about me or how I am doing, and over the years I have repeatedly gone to great lengths to get her out of various mishaps that she caused herself. She has never remembered my birthday, even though I send her a gift every year for hers, and she makes no attempt to communicate with or show interest in my child.

She's a little bit like Sheldon Cooper: very rigid and has always assumed and expected me to help her out of messes that she mostly creates for herself. I feel a great deal of responsibility for her and yes, I have not always behaved in ways that make me proud now. I love her, but she is the most exasperating person I know.

This is how HFA/ aspergers presents in females. They can mock more emotions and empathy but don’t really have it.

She is not going to change. Read the Tony Attwood book.
Help her when you can, but generally disassociate and never rely on her for actual help (in your will, with childcare, power of atty, help w health issues).
Don’t give marital advice to her or her husband, neurotypical + aspergers “relationships” are a real struggle.

Don’t let her bring you down anymore.

[Anonymous]

The most you should say to her or her spouse is to each get individual therapy and help. You cannot help them or her.

She needs professional help. She is too old for behavioral therapy to work unless she’s devoted to managing her symptoms. Stakes are high now with kids, a career hopefully, and a spouse... maybe she will. But early intervention days are long gone.

Also, it’s hereditary so which parents side has a few of these chronically absent minded professor types? also check the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She definitely has something. Maybe it’s autism, maybe Asperger’s, I don’t know. I feel bad for her child. The father isn’t in the picture to give some sense of normalcy too...

Father isn’t in the picture why? Military? Travels a lot? Never was?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anxiety and phobia. She should probably work through it with a third party since the family tension/judgement is there and will only make things worse (teaching my child to drive was horrible but a driving teacher had excellent success)

She has to want to do it. Respond with sympathy and positivity that you believe she can conquer this instead of tearing her down for the past. Remind her that GPS now is a huge help in making driving more relaxing and confident because it will always help you get straightened out. I was a nervous driver without it. I still use it when driving in the city because I know one wrong turn will get me off course and it's reassuring to have a backup plan.

Go this route and play dumb that it could be a neuro-atypical issue, unless she really asks for help and advice. Don’t hold your breath that she will listen or follow it, no matter what she says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know multiple adults who have no driver’s license. They get by fine with alternate arrangements.

Butt out, OP. It’s not your business in any way.

It's my business because I live in another country and my sister is begging me to come stay with her this summer so that I can drive her and her child around because she thinks using Ubers and taxis exposes her to covid. I have a college aged son and my sister has a two year old, so she says she really needs me more than my own family. She is not in contact with her ex so he can't help. She is also begging me not to tell our brother or parents because she is so embarrassed.

I really would prefer not to travel to another country during the pandemic to sit in my sister's house as her chauffeur and nanny. I have my own family, even though ds is older. This is why I am trying to suggest alternatives for her.

You guys are 10-20 years apart in age??

You live abroad?

She has a 2 yo? Ex is awol. No money for sitter? Driver?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not a disability, and as a disabled person I find your post really rude.

But it sounds like your family all ganged up on her and were bullies about it and it turned into a phobia. Congratulations, hope you feel guilty.

I've often wondered if my lack of a sense of direction was a disability. How is that or what the OP asked rude? FFS

PP here, nice language. If you don't know why the tone is rude, then you're part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

There are mental disabilities PP.
having a brain that physically doesn’t make connections and synapses between many things going on through to the normal action or response is definitely dehibilitating, if not a “disability.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She'll need to make a lifestyle change if this is affecting her so greatly that she wants help from family in another country. Maybe she needs to move somewhere that is more walkable or close to public transport. It doesn't sound like something she willing or able to overcome at this point in her life. Plenty of people live without driving. She will need to figure it out.

OP here. People are attacking me for being intolerant and mean, but my sister is very stubborn and difficult to get along with. She can't maintain a friendship or romantic relationship for very long, which is why she needs me now and is why she is asking me to come from another country to help her once again Our relationship consists of me giving and her taking: I listen to her talk about her problems and herself, while she would never ask about me or how I am doing, and over the years I have repeatedly gone to great lengths to get her out of various mishaps that she caused herself. She has never remembered my birthday, even though I send her a gift every year for hers, and she makes no attempt to communicate with or show interest in my child.

She's a little bit like Sheldon Cooper: very rigid and has always assumed and expected me to help her out of messes that she mostly creates for herself. I feel a great deal of responsibility for her and yes, I have not always behaved in ways that make me proud now. I love her, but she is the most exasperating person I know.

This is how HFA/ aspergers presents in females. They can mock more emotions and empathy but don’t really have it.

She is not going to change. Read the Tony Attwood book.
Help her when you can, but generally disassociate and never rely on her for actual help (in your will, with childcare, power of atty, help w health issues).
Don’t give marital advice to her or her husband, neurotypical + aspergers “relationships” are a real struggle.

Don’t let her bring you down anymore.

Women/girls on the spectrum don’t present as a monolith. Plus relationships are hard for everyone—hence the divorce rate.

Op, you don’t need to read any books. It’s not going to change anything in regards to your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She'll need to make a lifestyle change if this is affecting her so greatly that she wants help from family in another country. Maybe she needs to move somewhere that is more walkable or close to public transport. It doesn't sound like something she willing or able to overcome at this point in her life. Plenty of people live without driving. She will need to figure it out.

OP here. People are attacking me for being intolerant and mean, but my sister is very stubborn and difficult to get along with. She can't maintain a friendship or romantic relationship for very long, which is why she needs me now and is why she is asking me to come from another country to help her once again Our relationship consists of me giving and her taking: I listen to her talk about her problems and herself, while she would never ask about me or how I am doing, and over the years I have repeatedly gone to great lengths to get her out of various mishaps that she caused herself. She has never remembered my birthday, even though I send her a gift every year for hers, and she makes no attempt to communicate with or show interest in my child.

She's a little bit like Sheldon Cooper: very rigid and has always assumed and expected me to help her out of messes that she mostly creates for herself. I feel a great deal of responsibility for her and yes, I have not always behaved in ways that make me proud now. I love her, but she is the most exasperating person I know.

Then, the issue really isn't her driving (or non-driving status) it's that she'd difficult to get a long with, your efforts aren't reciprocated and you feel overly responsible. That's on you, not her. Tell her that you aren't able to come. Done.

[Anonymous]

You could be describing me. As a very intelligent person I'm always astounded by how some very stupid people are excellent drivers. But then they must be astounded by the work I am able to perform based on my driving/spatial sense/lack of ability to notice landmarks that are apparently obvious. I GPS everywhere I go and my elementary aged kids often tell me which turns to make and where.