Do I tell my kids they are mixed?

[Anonymous]

There is a distinction between ancestry and race/ethnicity. It is fine to share your ancestry with your kids, that is their ancestry, too. But it doesn't change your race and ethnicity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not claiming to be Black at all, that’s ridiculous. I was seeking advice one now to explain it to my kids, since they will probably have questions about why an ancestor was black and they aren’t. It was something I suspected from a young age(if you saw me, you wouldn’t be surprised either) and I wished I and known.

I didn’t think you were, op.

How old are your kids? Skip Gates has some interesting insights:
https://www.npr.org/2019/01/21/686531998/historian-henry-louis-gates-jr-on-dna-testing-and-finding-his-own-roots

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a distinction between ancestry and race/ethnicity. It is fine to share your ancestry with your kids, that is their ancestry, too. But it doesn't change your race and ethnicity.

Well summarized.

[Anonymous]

Maybe this book list will be helpful:
https://www.whatdowedoallday.com/picture-books-that-teach-kids-to-combat-racism

[Anonymous]

Yes, says it’s part of your family history/ancestry.

DH is black. An older relative made contact with his family and decided to visit. (This was pre-Google and pre-Facebook.) She was beyond shocked to learn that she was part African American. No one ever told her that her grandparents went North because they could pass as white.

[Anonymous]

OP’s grandmother was black or half black. She changed her race bc she could pass. That’s an interesting bit of family history OP. It’s fine to talk about that! If OP’s grandmother is black, she is definitely mixed race, and she even felt the stigma of that growing up (her black hair was mocked). My kids have grandparents who are black, Asian, and white. They fully present as and identify as mixed race!

[Anonymous]

Depending on the age of your children you may want to read Nella Larsen's novela Passing (1928). She also has some good short stories on this topic. It would explain some of the whys, and provide context to the decision to pass.

It doesn't change their identity, but will demonstrate how intertwined we all are in our shared history. It opens up the conversation about race in this country as well, and could lead to some really positive reflections of equity and exclusion.

What if she hadn't chosen to pass? How different would her life have been? What could it have meant throughout the family line?

That's a podcast I'd listen to, for sure!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their great-great-great grandfather was black. Tell them that.

I wouldn’t refer to them “mixed race.”

Black biracial person here (i.e., one of my parents is black; other is a "brown" race). I agree with PP. I'd just say you have a small amount of African ancestry due to a white-passing ancestor. As far as "passing," you can just explain that societal conditions were unfair for black people at that time, so much so that some with mixed heritage decided to "pass" into white society. A lot has been written on this phenomenon.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to them OP.

Lots of people hid their race or "passed" for while back in the day, because it gave them a better future. I'm getting a DNA test soon, for just this reason, so I have a better idea of my heritage.

And, forgot to mention, don't refer to yourself or to them as "mixed." Technically you all might be, but realistically you were raised as white. I would tell them if you think they are old enough to understand the history behind your family, and understand how racism affected everyone's lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kids then are most 1/16th and more importantly you don't identify as black, you weren't raised in a black family, except for curly hair you don't look black. Mention it in passing but it is really offensive when white people who are 1/16th and weren't raised in a black family go around saying they understand the struggle because they are part black too.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids then are most 1/16th and more importantly you don't identify as black, you weren't raised in a black family, except for curly hair you don't look black. Mention it in passing but it is really offensive when white people who are 1/16th and weren't raised in a black family go around saying they understand the struggle because they are part black too.

+1000

What?
If the story is true, OP IS mixed and so are her kids. You don’t get to be the arbiter of who calls themselves mixed and who does not. She has a story and so do her kids. She’s not saying she wants to appropriate the black experience in America. She’s not saying anything about understanding the struggle of being black in America. But she has a story- she always felt different. She was made fun of for her looks. Her family had a secret. She didn’t even have an opportunity to know her mixed race identity, even though she was ridiculed for it. She can identify as she wishes- mixed race is her actual truth, and you don’t get to pick what percentage she or her kids need to have to decide whether they identify as mixed race.

[Anonymous]

Similar story in my family, confirmed with 23andme. My children know and are interested but would never say they were mixed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids then are most 1/16th and more importantly you don't identify as black, you weren't raised in a black family, except for curly hair you don't look black. Mention it in passing but it is really offensive when white people who are 1/16th and weren't raised in a black family go around saying they understand the struggle because they are part black too.

+1000

What?
If the story is true, OP IS mixed and so are her kids. You don’t get to be the arbiter of who calls themselves mixed and who does not. She has a story and so do her kids. She’s not saying she wants to appropriate the black experience in America. She’s not saying anything about understanding the struggle of being black in America. But she has a story- she always felt different. She was made fun of for her looks. Her family had a secret. She didn’t even have an opportunity to know her mixed race identity, even though she was ridiculed for it. She can identify as she wishes- mixed race is her actual truth, and you don’t get to pick what percentage she or her kids need to have to decide whether they identify as mixed race.

OP’s percentage of African ancestry is lower than the European/white ancestry in most African Americans. She is not mixed.

[Anonymous]

You might find this book interesting, OP. "The Sweeter the Juice" by Shirley Taylor Haizlip is about the author's search for her mother's siblings who decided to pass as white and ended up abandoning their sister because she was too dark to pass. I read it years ago so my memory is foggy but she ends up connecting with the descendants of her passing relatives who didn't know they had black ancestors. https://www.amazon.com/Sweeter-Juice-Family-Memoir-Black/dp/0671899333

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids then are most 1/16th and more importantly you don't identify as black, you weren't raised in a black family, except for curly hair you don't look black. Mention it in passing but it is really offensive when white people who are 1/16th and weren't raised in a black family go around saying they understand the struggle because they are part black too.

+1000

What?
If the story is true, OP IS mixed and so are her kids. You don’t get to be the arbiter of who calls themselves mixed and who does not. She has a story and so do her kids. She’s not saying she wants to appropriate the black experience in America. She’s not saying anything about understanding the struggle of being black in America. But she has a story- she always felt different. She was made fun of for her looks. Her family had a secret. She didn’t even have an opportunity to know her mixed race identity, even though she was ridiculed for it. She can identify as she wishes- mixed race is her actual truth, and you don’t get to pick what percentage she or her kids need to have to decide whether they identify as mixed race.

OP’s percentage of African ancestry is lower than the European/white ancestry in most African Americans. She is not mixed.

Yes...she is. She has a grandparent who is black or half-black. My husband is half black. My son is a quarter black. My grandchildren will be mixed race children and may choose to identify as such. What is even more infuriating about this discussion is that the OP actually HAD a mixed race experience growing up! But she was denied the opportunity to know about it. Who are you to deny her what she ACTUALLY experienced?