How much did your parents help you?

[Anonymous]

Paid for college and living expenses. They gave me an allowance all my life and if I had not insisted that they stop that they would have financed me for the rest of my life. My dad cried when I got a merit scholarship because he thought I would not "need" him anymore.

They paid for my wedding too. DH and I wanted to have a civil ceremony in a court with no guests. That did not happen because my dad put his foot down - "You are not an orphan".

So no college debt and no wedding expense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid app fees, SAT testing, took to visit schools for me and my two sisters. I picked the schools and applied for the most part on my own. I don’t remember the essays to be completely honest, I’m not sure if they read them or not. I got a full ride, so it didn’t cost them anything... which they were thankful for because my sister was in college at the same time. They gave me $100/month spending money (this was in the late 80s). I have done the same for my kids... I have read some essays and some I haven’t... I encouraged my kids to apply to multiple schools, but both had a first choice that they applied ED and got in and so they only applied to 1 school each. My daughter was full tuition scholarship and got other smaller scholarships, I paid for her travel back and forth to school (about 700 miles away) and she had a PT job for spending $ and was an RA which covered room & board. 4 years at a small liberal arts college and she took out about $10k in loans total which I paid off as her graduation gift in 2017. My son (HS Senior) has a partial scholarship so far and is working on others. I will pay for him to get back and forth and expect him to get a job for spending $. Whatever he ends up taking out in loans I will likely pay off at graduation as long as it isn’t over 50k. I have one more bringing up the rear and I have him on the same path.

If you have the money why would you have your kids take out loans? I don't get parents like you?

Many reasons we decided not to pay outright for college: We have three kids, they are all intelligent and completely capable of earning scholarships to college. We have set them up with plenty of advantages so that have the skills and confidence to succeed in high school, college, and beyond; and if they maximize those advantages there are rewards they get to enjoy as a result. We knew going in that we could not pay 100% (without mortgaging our own futures) for all 3 kids to go to college unless we severely restricted their choices (local state schools only or 2 years at community college then 2 years at U). Rather than restrict them in that way, we set up the expectation that they could go to any school they wanted if they could get in and pay for it. We are here to support them, but at this stage of their lives they are to play the leading role... it’s a set up for success later in life when mom and dad can’t be their safety net anymore. Our daughter chose a school with an annual cost of attendance of about $75k, that’s $300k in 4 years. Imagine if she thought we would foot the bill, what motivation does she have to a. Earn and maintain a scholarship, b. Graduate in 4 years, c. Minimize spending so she walks away with manageable debt? Side benefits also included that she learned that being an RA was a hard job with low pay, but the benefits made it the best possible job as far as value for your time goes. By her senior year, her room and board were completely free. She also made connections that helped her to do a summer abroad at no cost, get into graduate school and start her career. I’m not saying none of those things would have been possible without her taking on the financial burden of her own education, but she would be more likely to end up like many of her friends from college who struggle mightily with adulting and 3 years out are still living at home with their parents or in a parent subsidized situation. Thinking that she would have about $10k in debt when she graduated did not overly stress our daughter out, but she was very grateful when we handed her the check to pay it off. The fact that it cost us so little means that if she stumbles and needs help along the way later in life we can be there, but it also makes that less likely to happen.

Our son is headed down a very similar path, because we have set the expectation, he looks for how he can pay or get things paid for without us before he comes to us with outstretched hands. Because he got accepted ED to his first choice school he has spent all of his time since December applying for scholarships, thinking about what he wants his college experience to look like in terms of a job and reaching out to faculty and staff and making connections early. He found out that he could get his orientation weekend heavily subsidized by participating in the program, and he was one of 4 students selected to do so, which turned into him being asked to participate in a summer program on campus this summer that will allow him to move into the dorms 4 weeks before everyone else (room and food are free for the 4 weeks) and because they are paying his travel to get there, we won’t have that expense. We had no idea this program even existed. The annual cost of attendance of his school is about $45k, which over 4 years is about 180k. His situation is slightly different because he is looking at applying to a program where he get his BS and JD in five years so the total would be more like $225k. I don’t have $200k to hand him today, but I do have the patience to talk to him about his decisions and assist him to make choices to get that end cost as low as possible. His goal is to graduate with less than $10k in debt because he’s seen it done.

I know this is rambling, and I apologize but I hope I answered your question satisfactorily.

Got it, the 3 kid excuse. You probably live in a million dollar house and didn't save much for them as your lives are more important. I feel bad for your kids. Ours are completely fine with us paying "only" for a state school and no debt or worries. At least you could have given spending money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid app fees, SAT testing, took to visit schools for me and my two sisters. I picked the schools and applied for the most part on my own. I don’t remember the essays to be completely honest, I’m not sure if they read them or not. I got a full ride, so it didn’t cost them anything... which they were thankful for because my sister was in college at the same time. They gave me $100/month spending money (this was in the late 80s). I have done the same for my kids... I have read some essays and some I haven’t... I encouraged my kids to apply to multiple schools, but both had a first choice that they applied ED and got in and so they only applied to 1 school each. My daughter was full tuition scholarship and got other smaller scholarships, I paid for her travel back and forth to school (about 700 miles away) and she had a PT job for spending $ and was an RA which covered room & board. 4 years at a small liberal arts college and she took out about $10k in loans total which I paid off as her graduation gift in 2017. My son (HS Senior) has a partial scholarship so far and is working on others. I will pay for him to get back and forth and expect him to get a job for spending $. Whatever he ends up taking out in loans I will likely pay off at graduation as long as it isn’t over 50k. I have one more bringing up the rear and I have him on the same path.

If you have the money why would you have your kids take out loans? I don't get parents like you?

I don't completely disagree with PP. It's to motivate them to graduate. I know sooooo many kids whose parents not only paid upfront, but also gave them plenty of spending money, only to have them fail out. Wasted money. If they think they're paying for it, they're more motived to finish. If they don't finish, they actually do pay for it. They finish, you pay it off.

-Signed someone in their 40's STILL paying off student loans who received zero parental assistance and went to a large state university.

That is absurd to say that. Most of us whose parents fully paid graduated and are doing well and doing the same for our kids. I cannot imagine the ability to save and pay for it and NOT help our kids through school. I think it hinders the ability to graduate if you have to work 1-2 jobs just to survive through school. I had to work 24 horus a week internship and take six classes and no way I could have worked on top of that but had friends who did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think parents have to be more involved now due to the changes in 529s, financial aid, and student loans. For example, most on DCUM do not qualify for financial aid. So the first step to funding in gaps between 529s, $5500 load, and college expenses is to have a Parent Plus Loan. It doesn't automatically default back to the student.

My son identified potential colleges, completed his essay, and SAT prep & testing all through his school (MCPS/Naviance). From there I organized a spreadsheet for the both of us to look at. We are a middle class family, so college is not fully funded, despite our efforts to save. My husband and I helped him to identify out of state colleges that are more within our budget, and in state colleges. He applied to one private, which offered automatic aid. I simply cannot afford to tell him he can go where ever he gets accepted. The financial burden is too great for us and for him.

I completed the financial aspect of common app, and he completed the student sections. Now we are working together to identify scholarship opportunities. I'm not driving the process on my own, writing essays, or controlling the process, but I am there to help keep organized and focused. He also works outside of school (is saving), plays a winter sport, and has a full class load. He usually only has a few hours each week to fit college application items. So for us, it's very much a collaboration. He would be, and has been, overwhelmed without guidance. I find that completely understandable, because it is stressful and a cluster F at many points.

This all makes so much sense. It's become to first huge financial decision someone makes. It used to just be a few extra hours of working a PT job could pay for college. Now it's getting a mortgage. My kids are young, but this does seem like a reasonable amount of help vs hand holding vs hands off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid app fees, SAT testing, took to visit schools for me and my two sisters. I picked the schools and applied for the most part on my own. I don’t remember the essays to be completely honest, I’m not sure if they read them or not. I got a full ride, so it didn’t cost them anything... which they were thankful for because my sister was in college at the same time. They gave me $100/month spending money (this was in the late 80s). I have done the same for my kids... I have read some essays and some I haven’t... I encouraged my kids to apply to multiple schools, but both had a first choice that they applied ED and got in and so they only applied to 1 school each. My daughter was full tuition scholarship and got other smaller scholarships, I paid for her travel back and forth to school (about 700 miles away) and she had a PT job for spending $ and was an RA which covered room & board. 4 years at a small liberal arts college and she took out about $10k in loans total which I paid off as her graduation gift in 2017. My son (HS Senior) has a partial scholarship so far and is working on others. I will pay for him to get back and forth and expect him to get a job for spending $. Whatever he ends up taking out in loans I will likely pay off at graduation as long as it isn’t over 50k. I have one more bringing up the rear and I have him on the same path.

If you have the money why would you have your kids take out loans? I don't get parents like you?

I don't completely disagree with PP. It's to motivate them to graduate. I know sooooo many kids whose parents not only paid upfront, but also gave them plenty of spending money, only to have them fail out. Wasted money. If they think they're paying for it, they're more motived to finish. If they don't finish, they actually do pay for it. They finish, you pay it off.

-Signed someone in their 40's STILL paying off student loans who received zero parental assistance and went to a large state university.

That is absurd to say that. Most of us whose parents fully paid graduated and are doing well and doing the same for our kids. I cannot imagine the ability to save and pay for it and NOT help our kids through school. I think it hinders the ability to graduate if you have to work 1-2 jobs just to survive through school. I had to work 24 horus a week internship and take six classes and no way I could have worked on top of that but had friends who did.

+2. My kid's first priority is grades and maximizing college opportunities. You can pay for college and simultaneously have expectations for grades, etc. Or just have a kid who is smart and motivated on his/her own. I can't imagine not giving DC a leg up with re: to college tuition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I grew up in Maryland when anyone with a decent gpa could expect to get into University of Maryland. Not so now. Not so in Va either, not to of the top 4-5 schools. The admission landscape is completely different from when I and you were applying.

Some parents get excited and enjoy the extra involvement - that's a lot of ruminating. May as well enjoy it

OP here. I definitely can imagine myself getting super excited about it. I have to restrain myself even now. I’ll be fighting my urge to butt into her life more than I will be dragging myself to help her.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I forgot to mention that my dad did pay for school, but only because I went to a super cheap school. In 2002 the tuition was 3K a year. I got into more prestigious colleges and he refused to pay for those. But the school I wound up going to was first tier, so in the long run I did fine.

and I am so glad he paid because I had such a hard time doing school and working when I tried. I admire people who can still get 4.0s with a full-time load and a job. I couldn’t.

I suppose he could have made me take out loans but it seems like that would have been super stingy because his income at the time was like 400K. It’s one thing to say “no you have to work for what you have” and it’s another thing to say “no you have to go into debt for what you have,” especially if it is not a frivolous thing and such a small portion of your income. But I would have been fine either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Choose where to apply, did my applications, paid, sent me to an SAT court, choose my college (and when I didn't like that college applied for transfer). Same for graduate school.

They applied for the transfer for you?

Seems like they did a lot. Did this bother you?

[Anonymous]

OP again here. One thing I can’t imagine not doing is helping with essays. I definitely will let her to the work but helping with college admissions essays was always kind of a hobby of mine. I loved helping with them. And I’ll be damned if my kids send submit essays that are essentially a narrative of their volunteer activities. I can’t believe how many bad ones people submit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again here. One thing I can’t imagine not doing is helping with essays. I definitely will let her to the work but helping with college admissions essays was always kind of a hobby of mine. I loved helping with them. And I’ll be damned if my kids send submit essays that are essentially a narrative of their volunteer activities. I can’t believe how many bad ones people submit.

I'm the 2.3 GPA PP. I don't actually remember writing essays but I'm sure whatever I wrote played a big part in getting me accepted anywhere. I had bad grades because I cut class and never did homework; I didn't flunk out because I could write essays and tested well. I doubt my parents read my essays. They were very uninvolved in my school life, or else I would have had better grades. They did, however, insist I was most certainly going to a real four-year school (not Palm Beach Community College, which was my plan) and they did pay most of my full-freight (though bargain for out-of-state) tuition. It was very important to my 99% uninvolved mom that I not graduate with a load of debt, for which I'm grateful (graduated with cum laude honors, FWIW). Less grateful for the strings that are emerging 20 years later as their piss-poor financial management/retirement planning is becoming painfully evident. And while they did cover tuition, I had to pay for all of my own expenses, including rent and books. So I worked multiple jobs and took summer classes.

In hindsight I can't believe they didn't insist on an in-state school, and I can't believe they paid for my siblings and me to go to school at the expense of their retirement savings (though in reality, if that money hadn't gone to our schooling, they would have blown it elsewhere). By the time my kids are in school the costs will be astronomical, so they'll either have to get scholarships and/or go in-state. I will help however I can, including with savings, with the application and selection process, visiting schools, etc. My parents may have paid for school, but it doesn't absolve their negligence. I won't repeat their mistakes and my kids will be set up to do better as a result.

[Anonymous]

My parents paid for everything. We paid for everything for DD. We were lucky to have the resources to be able to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think parents have to be more involved now due to the changes in 529s, financial aid, and student loans. For example, most on DCUM do not qualify for financial aid. So the first step to funding in gaps between 529s, $5500 load, and college expenses is to have a Parent Plus Loan. It doesn't automatically default back to the student.

My son identified potential colleges, completed his essay, and SAT prep & testing all through his school (MCPS/Naviance). From there I organized a spreadsheet for the both of us to look at. We are a middle class family, so college is not fully funded, despite our efforts to save. My husband and I helped him to identify out of state colleges that are more within our budget, and in state colleges. He applied to one private, which offered automatic aid. I simply cannot afford to tell him he can go where ever he gets accepted. The financial burden is too great for us and for him.

I completed the financial aspect of common app, and he completed the student sections. Now we are working together to identify scholarship opportunities. I'm not driving the process on my own, writing essays, or controlling the process, but I am there to help keep organized and focused. He also works outside of school (is saving), plays a winter sport, and has a full class load. He usually only has a few hours each week to fit college application items. So for us, it's very much a collaboration. He would be, and has been, overwhelmed without guidance. I find that completely understandable, because it is stressful and a cluster F at many points.

This all makes so much sense. It's become to first huge financial decision someone makes. It used to just be a few extra hours of working a PT job could pay for college. Now it's getting a mortgage. My kids are young, but this does seem like a reasonable amount of help vs hand holding vs hands off.

N0, it doesn't. When I went to college 25 years ago, it was still $20-50K per year. You cannot pay for that on a PT job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Choose where to apply, did my applications, paid, sent me to an SAT court, choose my college (and when I didn't like that college applied for transfer). Same for graduate school.

They applied for the transfer for you?

Seems like they did a lot. Did this bother you?

I appreciated it, especially in college. They also did graduate school. There was no way I could have handled applying in to graduate school as I took 6 classes - 2 graduate classes and internship 3 days a week. The only thing that bothered me was I really wanted a big school and they pushed a small one (their logic was right) and that was why I transferred. I did much better in college than high school so they were worried how I would do. I didn't really care where I went. College or graduate school were never options and it was an expectation. We'll do the same for ours. I don't mind filling out applications and doing all that for mine if they can focus on school and activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid app fees, SAT testing, took to visit schools for me and my two sisters. I picked the schools and applied for the most part on my own. I don’t remember the essays to be completely honest, I’m not sure if they read them or not. I got a full ride, so it didn’t cost them anything... which they were thankful for because my sister was in college at the same time. They gave me $100/month spending money (this was in the late 80s). I have done the same for my kids... I have read some essays and some I haven’t... I encouraged my kids to apply to multiple schools, but both had a first choice that they applied ED and got in and so they only applied to 1 school each. My daughter was full tuition scholarship and got other smaller scholarships, I paid for her travel back and forth to school (about 700 miles away) and she had a PT job for spending $ and was an RA which covered room & board. 4 years at a small liberal arts college and she took out about $10k in loans total which I paid off as her graduation gift in 2017. My son (HS Senior) has a partial scholarship so far and is working on others. I will pay for him to get back and forth and expect him to get a job for spending $. Whatever he ends up taking out in loans I will likely pay off at graduation as long as it isn’t over 50k. I have one more bringing up the rear and I have him on the same path.

If you have the money why would you have your kids take out loans? I don't get parents like you?

I don't completely disagree with PP. It's to motivate them to graduate. I know sooooo many kids whose parents not only paid upfront, but also gave them plenty of spending money, only to have them fail out. Wasted money. If they think they're paying for it, they're more motived to finish. If they don't finish, they actually do pay for it. They finish, you pay it off.

-Signed someone in their 40's STILL paying off student loans who received zero parental assistance and went to a large state university.

That is absurd to say that. Most of us whose parents fully paid graduated and are doing well and doing the same for our kids. I cannot imagine the ability to save and pay for it and NOT help our kids through school. I think it hinders the ability to graduate if you have to work 1-2 jobs just to survive through school. I had to work 24 horus a week internship and take six classes and no way I could have worked on top of that but had friends who did.

+2. My kid's first priority is grades and maximizing college opportunities. You can pay for college and simultaneously have expectations for grades, etc. Or just have a kid who is smart and motivated on his/her own. I can't imagine not giving DC a leg up with re: to college tuition.

+1, if your kids are failing out and there are no learning disabilities or mental health issues then you did something wrong as a parent, parenting them. We worked summers and saved all that money to contribute. We had expectations for good (B and up) grades within reason and the expectation was we get good grades and graduate in 4 years. I don't remember it even being an option to do otherwise.

[Anonymous]

I graduated high school and entered college in the early '80s.

My parents provided whatever support I needed for the college application process. They gave advice about what schools to look at, they took me on school tours, they advised me on what clothes to wear on tours, they attended tours with me, they paid all fees when asked, they recommended SAT and ACT prep classes, they helped me evaluate my ACT & SAT scores when they arrived, they reviewed essays, they gave advice about which teachers to ask for recs, they advised me what to wear to interviews, they drove to interviews with me (interviews back then were in people's houses), they advised me when my acceptances came in, they completed their parts of the applications, they reviewed my applications, etc.

I don't see how my parents differ from anything that you seem to be condemning OP.