Perfect Guy but..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like you do not want to get married and give up your “freedom”. A lot of stuff changes once you have a kid but your reason for wanting to continue working are interesting.

It’s like you have one foot in and one foot out. You are hedging your bets because you think the marriage will fail. Would you want a spouse like that?

The city/suburb think will could after you have a kid...so may the SAH thing. It would be nice to have those options. Most people do not.

It does not sound like you are ready for marriage and kids...

Why doesn’t OP’s boyfriend want to stay at home?

[Anonymous]

People, the issue here isn’t trying to convince OP that staying home with kids is what she might ultimately want.

Nor is the issue that her boyfriend wants a stay at home wife. That’s not my position, but it’s a reasonable one nonetheless.

The issue is her boyfriend is apparently not satisfied with her answer that she does not want to stay home. Clearly her bf is pushing this issue or op wouldn’t be concerned about it. If the bf simply said he’d ideally have a sahw but clearly the choice was with op, she wouldn’t be posting here. This is obviously a very big deal for the bf. And that’s the issue here: the bf is trying to control ops future career choices. Men can have whatever positions they want about stay at home wives. But ultimately if a woman wants to work, it’s her decision. If she wants to stay home, it’s a mutual decision. In a normal good relationship, the couple together weigh the pros and cons of who works and stays home. And if A wife doesn’t want to stay home, that’s a serious con that can’t be ignored. If the bf isn’t placing any value in that discussion on her desire to keep working, then THAT is the red flag. Not the fact that he idealizes stay at home moms.

So op if he’s taking a hard and fast line on this issue, run. Not because your future career/kid plans are incompatible. But because he’s a baby who’s unwilling to compromise, discuss, hear your feelings or place any value on your interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People, the issue here isn’t trying to convince OP that staying home with kids is what she might ultimately want.

Nor is the issue that her boyfriend wants a stay at home wife. That’s not my position, but it’s a reasonable one nonetheless.

The issue is her boyfriend is apparently not satisfied with her answer that she does not want to stay home. Clearly her bf is pushing this issue or op wouldn’t be concerned about it. If the bf simply said he’d ideally have a sahw but clearly the choice was with op, she wouldn’t be posting here. This is obviously a very big deal for the bf. And that’s the issue here: the bf is trying to control ops future career choices. Men can have whatever positions they want about stay at home wives. But ultimately if a woman wants to work, it’s her decision. If she wants to stay home, it’s a mutual decision. In a normal good relationship, the couple together weigh the pros and cons of who works and stays home. And if A wife doesn’t want to stay home, that’s a serious con that can’t be ignored. If the bf isn’t placing any value in that discussion on her desire to keep working, then THAT is the red flag. Not the fact that he idealizes stay at home moms.

So op if he’s taking a hard and fast line on this issue, run. Not because your future career/kid plans are incompatible. But because he’s a baby who’s unwilling to compromise, discuss, hear your feelings or place any value on your interests.

She says absolutely nothing that would lead to this conclusion. You seem to be one of the very anti-men on this board who are just assuming this guy just has to be some controlling as*hole who treats her badly - even though OP says zero to indicate this is the case. All she says is that they have different views. That you interpret different views to men you are going to name call, demean, and invalidate him - says a lot about you.

[Anonymous]

You can each have your preferences and should be ok with either option if it is needed. The ultimate decision can't be made until you have kids and asses. It isn't about what YOU alone want. Maybe you'll have a special needs child or multiples and staying home ends up being the better option for your whole family. Or maybe your DH loses his job and you need to work.

[Anonymous]

I’t hard to make decisions about kids when you don’t have them snd you haven’t bonded with them. You may change your mind once the baby is here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’t hard to make decisions about kids when you don’t have them snd you haven’t bonded with them. You may change your mind once the baby is here.

New poster. I agree with this as well. I know many people that wished they planned better to stay at home. More often than not women tend to miss their babies in the early years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like you do not want to get married and give up your “freedom”. A lot of stuff changes once you have a kid but your reason for wanting to continue working are interesting.

It’s like you have one foot in and one foot out. You are hedging your bets because you think the marriage will fail. Would you want a spouse like that?

The city/suburb think will could after you have a kid...so may the SAH thing. It would be nice to have those options. Most people do not.

It does not sound like you are ready for marriage and kids...

Why doesn’t OP’s boyfriend want to stay at home?

1. He's making a ton of money
2. It's always stupid for a man to do that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered staying at home with your potential children? It can actually be a really wonderful thing especially with a supportive husband.

Have you considered keeping your mouth shut and respecting other people’s decisions, Gertrude?

[Anonymous]

Life has a funny way of changing people's perspective. I never ever thought I'd want to be a sahm. Still don't, but after the kids came along, I was torn in different directions. Life was stressful, so I quit and became a sahm for a year or so. I didn't love being sahm, but it was the best thing for our family at the time. It really reduced the stress. My DH didn't want me to be a sahm until after the second kid came along and saw how unhappy and stressful our lives had become. So we made some changes that allowed me to be a sahm for a bit.

Now, I have a really flexible job. Best of both worlds.

Also, my DH was a city person, and I wasn't, especially after the kids came along. We compromised, and found a walkable suburb.

Unless you have deep rooted moral and life goal differences, like one person really wants kids and the other doesn't, you can make it work. Marriage is full of compromises.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP is a troll. Here she's the GF but it's the same author as the one where he's the husband and his wife wants to spend $200k more on the house in Chicago.

And the diaper wearing one, please let that be a troll, please.

OP here. Ew no. Never even read or clicked on that thread. Super gross. I don’t even believe kids over 2 should I be in diapers, let alone any adult.

DP.. I am on your side, except for the bolded. Different kids reach milestones at different times. Some kids need the extra time. My DS wore night diapers until he was 6. After the 5th time of washing his sheets in a week because he wet the bed, you just give in and admit that the kid isn't ready. He's now a teen, fully functioning, and in a gifted program.

Your perspective will change after you have kids, if you ever do have kids. BTW, I am not a kid person, but I love my children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life has a funny way of changing people's perspective. I never ever thought I'd want to be a sahm. Still don't, but after the kids came along, I was torn in different directions. Life was stressful, so I quit and became a sahm for a year or so. I didn't love being sahm, but it was the best thing for our family at the time. It really reduced the stress. My DH didn't want me to be a sahm until after the second kid came along and saw how unhappy and stressful our lives had become. So we made some changes that allowed me to be a sahm for a bit.

Now, I have a really flexible job. Best of both worlds.

Also, my DH was a city person, and I wasn't, especially after the kids came along. We compromised, and found a walkable suburb.

Unless you have deep rooted moral and life goal differences, like one person really wants kids and the other doesn't, you can make it work. Marriage is full of compromises.

Staying home when you have kids solely because it's your dh preference is not a "compromise".

OP the stay at home mom crazies are out in full force today trying to justify their decision.

Whether you may or may not ultimately decide to stay home is totally irrelevant. what's relevant is whether your bf is listening to you and hearing your perspective and ultimately is willing to let YOU decide whether or not to work after kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life has a funny way of changing people's perspective. I never ever thought I'd want to be a sahm. Still don't, but after the kids came along, I was torn in different directions. Life was stressful, so I quit and became a sahm for a year or so. I didn't love being sahm, but it was the best thing for our family at the time. It really reduced the stress. My DH didn't want me to be a sahm until after the second kid came along and saw how unhappy and stressful our lives had become. So we made some changes that allowed me to be a sahm for a bit.

Now, I have a really flexible job. Best of both worlds.

Also, my DH was a city person, and I wasn't, especially after the kids came along. We compromised, and found a walkable suburb.

Unless you have deep rooted moral and life goal differences, like one person really wants kids and the other doesn't, you can make it work. Marriage is full of compromises.

Staying home when you have kids solely because it's your dh preference is not a "compromise".

OP the stay at home mom crazies are out in full force today trying to justify their decision.

Whether you may or may not ultimately decide to stay home is totally irrelevant. what's relevant is whether your bf is listening to you and hearing your perspective and ultimately is willing to let YOU decide whether or not to work after kids.

People make different compromises. She can choose to stay home for a year, then he can if he thinks one parent being at home with the kids is so important. That's a compromise.

I was just sharing my experience of perspectives changing when you actually have kids, and not just the possibility. I never thought I would want a second child but after the first, my perspective on the one and done changed.

The way you feel and think now may not be how you think and feel later. Life changes, and if you want a happy marriage, you have to be willing to change and compromise. Marriages with either or both parties not changing, being flexible and uncompromising are the ones doomed for failure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life has a funny way of changing people's perspective. I never ever thought I'd want to be a sahm. Still don't, but after the kids came along, I was torn in different directions. Life was stressful, so I quit and became a sahm for a year or so. I didn't love being sahm, but it was the best thing for our family at the time. It really reduced the stress. My DH didn't want me to be a sahm until after the second kid came along and saw how unhappy and stressful our lives had become. So we made some changes that allowed me to be a sahm for a bit.

Now, I have a really flexible job. Best of both worlds.

Also, my DH was a city person, and I wasn't, especially after the kids came along. We compromised, and found a walkable suburb.

Unless you have deep rooted moral and life goal differences, like one person really wants kids and the other doesn't, you can make it work. Marriage is full of compromises.

sure. and the appropriate compromise here is that, assuming no SN kids and assuming op wants to go back to work, her DH compromises his "life view" and accepts OP going back to work. The compromise is not that OP stays home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life has a funny way of changing people's perspective. I never ever thought I'd want to be a sahm. Still don't, but after the kids came along, I was torn in different directions. Life was stressful, so I quit and became a sahm for a year or so. I didn't love being sahm, but it was the best thing for our family at the time. It really reduced the stress. My DH didn't want me to be a sahm until after the second kid came along and saw how unhappy and stressful our lives had become. So we made some changes that allowed me to be a sahm for a bit.

Now, I have a really flexible job. Best of both worlds.

Also, my DH was a city person, and I wasn't, especially after the kids came along. We compromised, and found a walkable suburb.

Unless you have deep rooted moral and life goal differences, like one person really wants kids and the other doesn't, you can make it work. Marriage is full of compromises.

Staying home when you have kids solely because it's your dh preference is not a "compromise".

OP the stay at home mom crazies are out in full force today trying to justify their decision.

Whether you may or may not ultimately decide to stay home is totally irrelevant. what's relevant is whether your bf is listening to you and hearing your perspective and ultimately is willing to let YOU decide whether or not to work after kids.

People make different compromises. She can choose to stay home for a year, then he can if he thinks one parent being at home with the kids is so important. That's a compromise.

I was just sharing my experience of perspectives changing when you actually have kids, and not just the possibility. I never thought I would want a second child but after the first, my perspective on the one and done changed.

The way you feel and think now may not be how you think and feel later. Life changes, and if you want a happy marriage, you have to be willing to change and compromise. Marriages with either or both parties not changing, being flexible and uncompromising are the ones doomed for failure.

Sure, of course that's true. But it's pretty clear from the posts that the BF has no plan to stay home (i think OP said as much above, but can't remember now - she certainly said he would be the primary earner - so i think we can assume he's not planning on staying home with his traditionalist views). So yes, people need to be flexible. You need to plan for the possibility that one of you may change their mind about their future plans to stay home or not stay home.

But in OP's situation she would be going into the marriage already committed to do something she doesn't want to do. Maybe her views change after having a kid and it works out for her. But you shouldn't count on it.

that is a vastly different situation than going into a marriage with the same plans that make both of you happy, and then your perspectives change based on having a kid so you compromise on the original plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life has a funny way of changing people's perspective. I never ever thought I'd want to be a sahm. Still don't, but after the kids came along, I was torn in different directions. Life was stressful, so I quit and became a sahm for a year or so. I didn't love being sahm, but it was the best thing for our family at the time. It really reduced the stress. My DH didn't want me to be a sahm until after the second kid came along and saw how unhappy and stressful our lives had become. So we made some changes that allowed me to be a sahm for a bit.

Now, I have a really flexible job. Best of both worlds.

Also, my DH was a city person, and I wasn't, especially after the kids came along. We compromised, and found a walkable suburb.

Unless you have deep rooted moral and life goal differences, like one person really wants kids and the other doesn't, you can make it work. Marriage is full of compromises.

sure. and the appropriate compromise here is that, assuming no SN kids and assuming op wants to go back to work, her DH compromises his "life view" and accepts OP going back to work. The compromise is not that OP stays home.

? Then there is no compromising there on her part. She could stay home for a year; he could stay home for a year. That's compromising. Her not having to make any compromises because she shouldn't have to is not compromising, is it.

Again, in a marriage, people have to make compromises. If this is a deal breaker for OP, then OP should break it off with this guy.

Again, I am not a kid person, so it's not like I'm the poster mom for sahm. I never even thought about having kids let alone being a sahm until I had a kid.