Perfect Guy but..

[Anonymous]

Are you the same OP who just posted nearly the same title wondering what it was like to be married to a high earning workaholic?

[Anonymous]

The working thing is a big deal. City v suburb less so.

The line between city and suburb is pretty subtle here. Could he be happy in Tenleytown? Could you be happy in Bethesda? If one of you really wants to be in Chinatown and the other in 2 acres far out, it could be hard. But there could be a lot of common ground.

Also, perspectives may change once kids are in the picture.

[Anonymous]

He may be perfect but he doesn't seem like the perfect guy for you as you don't see eye to eye on some big issues. The latter one you can work around as there are parts of DC that are very suburban but the former seems like different values.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I have told him that I don't see myself ever being a SAHM. He is not wrong in what he wants. He grew up in nice suburb with a mom who stayed home until he went to school. He loved being able to have a mom who was there with him in his most formative years, and parents who were always there to help with homework, make dinner, go to his school events, etc. He wants the same for his kids. I can't fault him for that. It is weighing on me the more we start to get serious. He thinks I will change my mind once we have kids, or be willing to go part-time. I don't want to to do either of those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have told him that I don't see myself ever being a SAHM. He is not wrong in what he wants. He grew up in nice suburb with a mom who stayed home until he went to school. He loved being able to have a mom who was there with him in his most formative years, and parents who were always there to help with homework, make dinner, go to his school events, etc. He wants the same for his kids. I can't fault him for that. It is weighing on me the more we start to get serious. He thinks I will change my mind once we have kids, or be willing to go part-time. I don't want to to do either of those things.

Continue to be honest with him but also know that I have seen many friends and acquaintances do a 180 on child rearing views after they actually have kids. For example, pregnant coworker “we will never have a nanny”...They have two now. Or, my career driven best friend “I’d never stay at home”, cried for before she was schedule to return from maternity leave and is now a SAHM of 3.

[Anonymous]

You don't get to control other people's wants. There is nothing wrong with wanting your wife to be a SAHM. Now that doesn't mean you have to become a SAHM but if he can be okay with you working even though it isn't his first option, then it is fine. I think it is pretty rare that in a marriage both people always want the same thing. That just isn't really practical, two different people are going to have different opinions and wants. You also can't predict the future - maybe you have twins or a child with a disability or something else happens in your life and your plans change anyways. Maybe you work part time or he stays home or who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have told him that I don't see myself ever being a SAHM. He is not wrong in what he wants. He grew up in nice suburb with a mom who stayed home until he went to school. He loved being able to have a mom who was there with him in his most formative years, and parents who were always there to help with homework, make dinner, go to his school events, etc. He wants the same for his kids. I can't fault him for that. It is weighing on me the more we start to get serious. He thinks I will change my mind once we have kids, or be willing to go part-time. I don't want to to do either of those things.

Continue to be honest with him but also know that I have seen many friends and acquaintances do a 180 on child rearing views after they actually have kids. For example, pregnant coworker “we will never have a nanny”...They have two now. Or, my career driven best friend “I’d never stay at home”, cried for before she was schedule to return from maternity leave and is now a SAHM of 3.

I agree completely. One of my friends who was the ost excited about being a SAHM went back to work after 6 months. Another friend who said she would never SAH went back after her first child but then did sah after her second child for a few years. You just never really know.

[Anonymous]

Agreed. IMO Families with two working parents with flexible jobs are absolutely the best off.

I don’t even want to know what you mean by this - it’s so offensive. How do you know what’s best for all families? My family was actually better off when one parent stopped working. Other families function well with two working parents. Keep your ridiculous judgment to yourself.

[Anonymous]

I think the actual issues here (SAH vs work, City vs suburb) are non-issues. Who really knows what either of you will want when kids come along? Trust me, you can't make all of these decisions 100% now.

What does matter is HOW you approach disagreements. Do you both listen to each other's sides? Carefully consider what is important to both people? Think about the impact of your decision on other aspects of your life? Decide on ways to make accommodations to address the opposing points of view, for whatever decision you make? (E.g. working out of home will probably mean daycare or nanny, and possibly other part time support like a housecleaning service or meal delivery. What options are ok with both of you?).

If people take a hard line - my way no matter what - for me, that is a hard no. Everyone has to be willing to consider options and compromise. But the tone of those discussions is really what tells whether you'll be able to work things out in the long run.

[Anonymous]

OP you need to tell him you won’t be a SAHM and have a discussion and see where you end up. It’s that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't get to control other people's wants. There is nothing wrong with wanting your wife to be a SAHM. Now that doesn't mean you have to become a SAHM but if he can be okay with you working even though it isn't his first option, then it is fine. I think it is pretty rare that in a marriage both people always want the same thing. That just isn't really practical, two different people are going to have different opinions and wants. You also can't predict the future - maybe you have twins or a child with a disability or something else happens in your life and your plans change anyways. Maybe you work part time or he stays home or who knows.

+1 This

[Anonymous]

The OP is a troll. Here she's the GF but it's the same author as the one where he's the husband and his wife wants to spend $200k more on the house in Chicago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP is a troll. Here she's the GF but it's the same author as the one where he's the husband and his wife wants to spend $200k more on the house in Chicago.

And the diaper wearing one, please let that be a troll, please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP is a troll. Here she's the GF but it's the same author as the one where he's the husband and his wife wants to spend $200k more on the house in Chicago.

Ok

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP is a troll. Here she's the GF but it's the same author as the one where he's the husband and his wife wants to spend $200k more on the house in Chicago.

OP here. That’s not me. This is an anonymous forum. I can’t even afford a house close to that.