Falling out with a friend within a larger friend group

[Anonymous]

On the one hand - your gut is telling you this is a toxic person and you don’t want her in your life, and you should always listen to your gut. I get that.

On the other hand, this feels like middle school. You are talking to other friends about this woman; you are put off by the fact that this woman and her child are in therapy; you are pathologizing a child as a “future serial killer”, which is unkind; you are considering inviting everyone in the group but this woman.

I’d find a way to be kind and less judgmental. People struggle at different times in their lives; that’s part of being human. Nobody is perfect.

You don’t have to include this woman but you shouldn’t talk about her with others.

[Anonymous]

OP, do as you please. You’re completely over-thinking. I’m sure this lady will survive, lol. I imagine her life doesn’t hinge on attending your get-togethers.

[Anonymous]

You are a mean girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are a mean girl.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the beginning of the end of this friend group. Been there, lived this, wouldn’t have believed it at the time either.

THIS. It will backfire. Cracks will appear everywhere and suddenly the group will break apart. There could be members of the group who are putting up with you for the sake of the group.

Yup, this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I became good friends with a mom I met 8 years ago. We are in a close friend circle of 3, 5 and 10. She and I were probably the closest. We hung out often, have traveled together alone without kids as well as with our families. The closer we got, the more I realized I don’t like her and prefer to not be friends anymore. I have been trying to do a slow fade over the past year. Problem is we have so many friends in common.

I am civil and attend events when she is around. I prefer not to invite her to anything I host.

My birthday is coming up as well as my child’s birthday. I don’t want to invite her or her children but still want to invite the other 9 friends.

Is there any way of doing this without making it so obvious to others?

I don’t want to explain why I no longer want to be friends and don’t want it to be awkward for others.

The real problem here is that you can't have your cake and eat it too-- you want to invite everyone *but* your ex friend, don't want to explain why the friendship is dead, and don't want it to be awkward for others. Here are your choices:

1. Confront your ex friend - probably a bad idea if she is unstable and prone to gossip or retaliation + risk of fracturing group
2. Exclude her and wait for her to confront you- an equally bad idea for the same reasons + risk of fracturing group
3. Have a party where it's not obvious that she is being left out- some risk of fracturing the group if you are really close with all of the other women- some may wonder why they haven't been invited
4. Invite her and all of the other members of the group and supervise your children's play very carefully

If you were in junior high, you could exclude your ex friend, control the situation by spreading a bunch of pre-emptive gossip about her, and encourage the entire group to ice her out.

[Anonymous]

Very awkward situation. As the kids get older the crazy comes out more (if this is a real mental health situation). But the mom is going to fight like a street fighter to stay in the group. You don’t want to be the focus of crazy. This party may not be the hill to die on. Only invite 2-3 people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was growing up this area was not as transient as it is now. We had almost all the same neighbors for my entire childhood. There was a lot of bitchiness and people having conflicts but guess what, they just continued socializing with each other. It was a neighborhood filled with families with kids so there were plenty of opportunities to mingle.

I feel like the era of real adulthood is over. Just a bunch of adolescents and children in big bodies.

We do not live in the same neighborhood. Our kids don’t attend the same schools. We have to go out of our way to make time for each other with our busy schedules.

In years past, we would make plans 6 months in advance to do things together.

My point is that you just have to live with people in your life that are less than perfect. You have to deal with people in your friend group that you dislike. That is adult life.

I do not have to invite people to my home that I don’t trust. I don’t have to expose my children to children who cause my children harm.

As I write this, I feel more confident about my feelings toward this woman. I probably got the closest to her and she is not at all who I thought she was. She frightens me. I don’t want to explain to her why I no longer want her in my life.

I would rather not celebrate my birthday in a large group if it means she is there.

I can and will go to events where I know she will be there. I will just continue to avoid her.

I'm the PP you are responding to here, and I take it back. Your follow up post about the other mom describes the situation very differently. I thought it was just a social issue. But I agree, if you don't trust them in your house, you do not need to have them over.

[Anonymous]

I think you should consider leaving the friend group and making new friends. Your decision to no longer be friends with this woman puts everyone in an awkward spot. I'm assuming everyone has interacted with her and her child and obviously not everyone has decided not to be friends with her. Some people are always victims; whereas others stand up for themselves and are able to move forward. I'm not making a judgement about which is better. If you dont like her behavior and the group enjoys her i would find a new group to socialize with.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like some high school mean girl stuff. OP you are unkind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t do this. You’re going to make things tense and shitty for everyone for no real reason. Just tough it out.

I agree.
You’re inviting speculation and hurt feelings.
You don’t have to be best friends with her, but it sounds like you’d like to ostracize her from your group.
Grow up and suck it up for the few hours when you’ll be in the same room together.

I don’t want to ostracize her. I go to events when she is present. I say hello and exchange small talk. I consciously don’t sit near her and almost always leave physical area if she is there. I’m sure she has noticed but I try not to make it obvious to others.

However, I don’t want to invite her to something for myself or my child.

A big part of the falling out has to do with how her child treats my child. That started it and I started to dislike mom altogether over the past 2 years.

Let your kid set the guest list. No hard feelings.

For your party, only invite the few out of the group of ten you really like.

Easy peasy.

[Anonymous]

Why are you so hellbent on celebrating your birthday, complete with special invitations and middle school drama? I’m assuming you’re a middle aged woman? Isn’t it time to grow up?

[Anonymous]

If she is racist or horrible in some other way, you can drop her and tell a close friend or two why. I’m ok with that. If she is just annoying, you are awful for doing that. Just deal with it like an adult. Invite her when there is a large group but not otherwise. If you have no good reason, you’ll find yourself the one ostracized. My friends aren’t middle schoolers anymore and they don’t generally put up with people who treat others like crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you so hellbent on celebrating your birthday, complete with special invitations and middle school drama? I’m assuming you’re a middle aged woman? Isn’t it time to grow up?

It is my 40th birthday. Many of us turning 40 this year.