Falling out with a friend within a larger friend group

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t do this. You’re going to make things tense and shitty for everyone for no real reason. Just tough it out.

I agree.
You’re inviting speculation and hurt feelings.
You don’t have to be best friends with her, but it sounds like you’d like to ostracize her from your group.
Grow up and suck it up for the few hours when you’ll be in the same room together.

I don’t want to ostracize her. I go to events when she is present. I say hello and exchange small talk. I consciously don’t sit near her and almost always leave physical area if she is there. I’m sure she has noticed but I try not to make it obvious to others.

However, I don’t want to invite her to something for myself or my child.

A big part of the falling out has to do with how her child treats my child. That started it and I started to dislike mom altogether over the past 2 years.

Did anyone read this?

This is really absurd. Children grow and change--and there is often more than one side to the story. You need(ed) to leave the child drama out of it and act like the adults you purportedly are. However, it appears your maturity stalled at around 14, based on your explanations on how you want to handle it.

Back to junior high for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t do this. You’re going to make things tense and shitty for everyone for no real reason. Just tough it out.

I agree.
You’re inviting speculation and hurt feelings.
You don’t have to be best friends with her, but it sounds like you’d like to ostracize her from your group.
Grow up and suck it up for the few hours when you’ll be in the same room together.

I don’t want to ostracize her. I go to events when she is present. I say hello and exchange small talk. I consciously don’t sit near her and almost always leave physical area if she is there. I’m sure she has noticed but I try not to make it obvious to others.

However, I don’t want to invite her to something for myself or my child.

A big part of the falling out has to do with how her child treats my child. That started it and I started to dislike mom altogether over the past 2 years.

Did anyone read this?

This is really absurd. Children grow and change--and there is often more than one side to the story. You need(ed) to leave the child drama out of it and act like the adults you purportedly are. However, it appears your maturity stalled at around 14, based on your explanations on how you want to handle it.

Back to junior high for you.

My friend and I think her child is a future serial killer type child and the mom was abused and something very wrong with mom. I don’t trust her and don’t want her or her child in my house. Both mom and child go to therapy and have a lot of problems. At the same time, mom tries hard to appear perfect and puts others down around her.

I don’t want to spread rumors about child’s disturbing behaviors and my friend’s Split personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was growing up this area was not as transient as it is now. We had almost all the same neighbors for my entire childhood. There was a lot of bitchiness and people having conflicts but guess what, they just continued socializing with each other. It was a neighborhood filled with families with kids so there were plenty of opportunities to mingle.

I feel like the era of real adulthood is over. Just a bunch of adolescents and children in big bodies.

We do not live in the same neighborhood. Our kids don’t attend the same schools. We have to go out of our way to make time for each other with our busy schedules.

In years past, we would make plans 6 months in advance to do things together.

My point is that you just have to live with people in your life that are less than perfect. You have to deal with people in your friend group that you dislike. That is adult life.

I do not have to invite people to my home that I don’t trust. I don’t have to expose my children to children who cause my children harm.

As I write this, I feel more confident about my feelings toward this woman. I probably got the closest to her and she is not at all who I thought she was. She frightens me. I don’t want to explain to her why I no longer want her in my life.

I would rather not celebrate my birthday in a large group if it means she is there.

I can and will go to events where I know she will be there. I will just continue to avoid her.

[Anonymous]

Is the extended group aware her child has been unkind to yours?

[Anonymous]

Is her child beating up yours? Saying mean things still? Just don't invite her, she will find out, but you said she already knows you are not friends anymore, so no big deal. It is 6 months away, I don't see any reason to plan it now. For all you know in 6 months, you might move, she might be sick, or she might move. What unnecessary drama production by you!

[Anonymous]

Exclusion is one of the higher forms of bullying.

[Anonymous]

Why is the child singling out your child out of this larger group? If the child is as disturbed as you describe, wouldn’t more parents be weary?

I’m all for you cutting this person out but you need to own it and the resulting fallout with the group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the extended group aware her child has been unkind to yours?

The one friend has both witnessed and experienced disturbing behavior of the child. She lives closer to friend and has had more interactions with child. She used to get together with them one on one all the time and has ceased doing anything alone with them. She told me she stopped allowing kids to play unsupervised.

My friendship was more with the mom because we don’t live as close. We never got together on weekdays, only on weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is the child singling out your child out of this larger group? If the child is as disturbed as you describe, wouldn’t more parents be weary?

I’m all for you cutting this person out but you need to own it and the resulting fallout with the group.

Mutual friend who lives closer said other parents do avoid the child and mom. The friend recently changed schools for child.

Mutual friend has friends who specifically said not to invite them over if that family will be there.

Friend group of 10 are mostly friends of friends. Kids are mixed ages and friendships are adult friendships.

[Anonymous]

Similar situation here. Confided to (so-called) friend that husband has tendency to "brown-stamp" the sheets and bedclothes. Instead of commiserating, she began spreading the news (of the brown-stamping) and making a joke of it, saying if anyone comes to our home they should not "sit down in the brown" and so on.) I was/am mortified and so betrayed. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t do this. You’re going to make things tense and shitty for everyone for no real reason. Just tough it out.

I agree.
You’re inviting speculation and hurt feelings.
You don’t have to be best friends with her, but it sounds like you’d like to ostracize her from your group.
Grow up and suck it up for the few hours when you’ll be in the same room together.

I don’t want to ostracize her. I go to events when she is present. I say hello and exchange small talk. I consciously don’t sit near her and almost always leave physical area if she is there. I’m sure she has noticed but I try not to make it obvious to others.

However, I don’t want to invite her to something for myself or my child.

A big part of the falling out has to do with how her child treats my child. That started it and I started to dislike mom altogether over the past 2 years.

Did anyone read this?

This is really absurd. Children grow and change--and there is often more than one side to the story. You need(ed) to leave the child drama out of it and act like the adults you purportedly are. However, it appears your maturity stalled at around 14, based on your explanations on how you want to handle it.

Back to junior high for you.

My friend and I think her child is a future serial killer type child and the mom was abused and something very wrong with mom. I don’t trust her and don’t want her or her child in my house. Both mom and child go to therapy and have a lot of problems. At the same time, mom tries hard to appear perfect and puts others down around her.

I don’t want to spread rumors about child’s disturbing behaviors and my friend’s Split personality.

I wouldn’t want to be friends witH you.....Miss Perfect.

[Anonymous]

Yes, OP sounds like a real Cleavage Cabbage.

[Anonymous]

I had this problem. The friend was also part of my professional network.

I tried to do the slow fade but she wouldn’t let it fade though I know her heart wasn’t in it.

I knew letting anyone else know would cause ripples and coding sides so I kept up this charade for 8 more years until we moved several states away.

I am finally free! Except she still sends a Christmas card though I don’t send her one and we haven’t talked for 5 years. She doesn’t write anything on the card. Pointless. I received this year’s card and turned around and chucked it into the recycling bin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had this problem. The friend was also part of my professional network.

I tried to do the slow fade but she wouldn’t let it fade though I know her heart wasn’t in it.

I knew letting anyone else know would cause ripples and coding sides so I kept up this charade for 8 more years until we moved several states away.

I am finally free! Except she still sends a Christmas card though I don’t send her one and we haven’t talked for 5 years. She doesn’t write anything on the card. Pointless. I received this year’s card and turned around and chucked it into the recycling bin.

I will continue seeing them but i refuse to travel with them or have them over to my house.

My birthday is next month, not 6 months away. I am not going to invite her. I will simply not go out in a large group.

And I will have a school party and invite a few close family friends.

[Anonymous]

If this were posted in the tween/teen forum, people would say that OP doesn’t need to be friends with everyone and not everyone can always be invited. Why is this not the same for adults? Surely adults realize not everyone is invited every time for everything and wouldn’t automatically gossip, cause drama? That seems like a young-middle school behavior.