How to Convince my Husband to go for a third

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Honestly, if you've ever had a SN child, you realize that having one in and of itself makes you want to have a larger family because of the lifelong support siblings can provide to each other. We have cousins with a true, lifelong SN child and her only sibling shoulders a tremendous burden and I know, because she's told me, she wishes her family had more children.

The idea of creating more children to "share the burden" is a little suspect from a moral point of view. We considered very carefully whether or not to have a second for this very reason.

Moreover, in this case if the third child turned out to have special needs - which is also possible - would you not be doubling the "burden" by this logic?

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel the exact same way as you do. We have two (DS3, DD1) and I want one more. DH says no. I am not trying to convince him. I even, at times, tell him he is right, because at times I feel he is! But I am fairly confident we will have one more. I am keeping quiet about it because I know my husband, and the more I push, the more he will push back. So for now, I don't really say anything, other than occasionaly making jokes about how I am going to have a third baby with my second husband.
I plan on waiting until I turn 35, when our youngest will be 2.5 (this is about one year from now) and just saying, ok, it's now or never, after this year I am closing up shop. I have a feeling he will agree at that point. I think he does want another one eventually, but he just wants to wait a while, and what he does not really get is that even though we are surrounded by "older" moms (late 30s, early 40s), there is no guarantee that I will be able to get pregnant at that age. I am willing to wait until 35/36, but not more.
Do you think if you stop pushing you may get a better reaction? Or what if you say, can we revisit this idea in 6 months? How old are you? How old are your kids?
I also think the DHs could be reminded of how short-sighted their views are -- it is hard in the beginning, of course. But think of all the fun that comes from a big family later on......

Regardless, I do think resentment runs both ways. I think if we don't do it, we will both look back with regret, and I will feel that I was pressured into a decision I did not agree with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel the exact same way as you do. We have two (DS3, DD1) and I want one more. DH says no. I am not trying to convince him. I even, at times, tell him he is right, because at times I feel he is! But I am fairly confident we will have one more. I am keeping quiet about it because I know my husband, and the more I push, the more he will push back. So for now, I don't really say anything, other than occasionaly making jokes about how I am going to have a third baby with my second husband.
I plan on waiting until I turn 35, when our youngest will be 2.5 (this is about one year from now) and just saying, ok, it's now or never, after this year I am closing up shop. I have a feeling he will agree at that point. I think he does want another one eventually, but he just wants to wait a while, and what he does not really get is that even though we are surrounded by "older" moms (late 30s, early 40s), there is no guarantee that I will be able to get pregnant at that age. I am willing to wait until 35/36, but not more.
Do you think if you stop pushing you may get a better reaction? Or what if you say, can we revisit this idea in 6 months? How old are you? How old are your kids?
I also think the DHs could be reminded of how short-sighted their views are -- it is hard in the beginning, of course. But think of all the fun that comes from a big family later on......

Regardless, I do think resentment runs both ways. I think if we don't do it, we will both look back with regret, and I will feel that I was pressured into a decision I did not agree with.

So nice to actually read someone who feels the way I do. I haven't actually been talking about it a lot with DH believe it or not. A couple months ago I told him how I felt and I asked him to think about it. I told him my many reasons, which I don't think he knew and I told him it would mean a lot to me if he at least thought it through. I told him we could revisit in a couple months. I am feeling pressure now because the clock is ticking. I want to close up shop by 40 and that's approaching. I have never had a problem getting pregnant and I don't have an issue being an older mom, but I do feel like we did to has this out sooner or later. Anyway, I do feel, as you, that short term sacrifices give way to long term gains. And to the person who asked if I feared that the third would be special needs. Of course I do, but I really don't want to live my life not doing things based out of fear -- I would never leave the house, and I certainly would have never had one child let alone two.

[Anonymous]

I think we will deal with this issue after #2 is born, but the roles will be reversed. I'm pretty sure I will feel like our family is complete after the second, but DH has wanted three for a while now.

It is interesting to read people's reactions and it's a tough situation because there really is no true compromise. Either you have another child or you don't.

Good luck, OP. Sounds like therapy/counseling isn't a bad idea.

[Anonymous]

NP here -

I think the two of you need to sit down and talk this through with an impartial 3rd party. You both have completely valid view points, and it seems like an outside mediator may be the best way to help you negotiate through to a compromise that you can both live with and that doesn't leave either of you resenting one another.

And while I agree with the PPs that if it ultimately comes down to a real disagreement and someone needing to 'win' that the less-children spouse trumps this particular arguement, I do think it is completely reasonable for you to insist that DH at least work through this discussion with you. If he is going to nix a dream of the yours, I do think he owes you that help in the emotional work it will take to process and come to terms with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All fair points. I guess I have friends who have proven the opposite to me so I thought there might be a chance of a convincing argument. I should say that my husband is an amazing hands on father. He didn't go into fatherhood with any hesitation. he loves it and I truly think that if we had a third he would love it. I guess its hard to describe why I think there's a chance.

Which friend is going to openly tell you their third child was a bad idea? Plus, the big stress of the third child may not hit for years, when you are realizing the true cost of college or yearning for retirement. The infant/toddler phase may be the least of it.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you have to "convince" your husband to have a third child, it's a bad idea. He may end up caving and agreeing, but it won't be because he wants that child. If there is the tiniest bit of discord in your marriage during that pregnancy or after that child's birth, in any way related to that child or the stresses of having three instead of two children, he will forever resent you for it. Not a great way to live your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in the opposite situation: DH wants at least four kids, I am done with being pregnant with DC2! However much I demonstrate that more children would put us at risk financially, etc... it is a gut feeling my DH has, something instinctive that he will miss all his life if we "only" have 2 children. Maybe it is because he comes from a family with 4 kids, maybe it is because his younger brother already has 4 kids (a little jealousy there).
But being the eternal optimist, DH is convinced I will come around in time! Not

So, do you worry about resentment on his part is you don't ever come around?

No, I do not worry - even though I empathize greatly - because honestly I believe it would not be a responsible decision for us to make on many levels: DC1 had health problems starting with his premature birth and continues to have special needs, I had major health issues following the pregnancy, and it was already a significant risk for me to become pregnant with DC2 (fingers crossed). Apart from medical issues, we will hardly be able to keep up with 2 children financially, let alone 3! And that is cold hard mathematics.

OP, what is perhaps more important than the decision itself is the way it is made, with good communication and empathy. There will always be a sense of loss for the child that could have been, or there will be a sense of being seriously (financially or otherwise) overwhelmed on your husband's part. You both need to talk about it.

[Anonymous]

So nice to actually read someone who feels the way I do. I haven't actually been talking about it a lot with DH believe it or not. A couple months ago I told him how I felt and I asked him to think about it. I told him my many reasons, which I don't think he knew and I told him it would mean a lot to me if he at least thought it through. I told him we could revisit in a couple months. I am feeling pressure now because the clock is ticking. I want to close up shop by 40 and that's approaching. I have never had a problem getting pregnant and I don't have an issue being an older mom, but I do feel like we did to has this out sooner or later. Anyway, I do feel, as you, that short term sacrifices give way to long term gains. And to the person who asked if I feared that the third would be special needs. Of course I do, but I really don't want to live my life not doing things based out of fear -- I would never leave the house, and I certainly would have never had one child let alone two.

The fear of special needs is one of the main things keeping my husband from wanting a third. He is special needs himself, and thinks that we are "pushing our luck" asking for a third, healthy child when we already have two. He doesn't think he could handle another, especially if there were special needs. I understand this completely. But I still want one. I am one of three, so I guess that is what I had always envisioned. My husband always said he wanted four, but that was before we had any!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with other PP's that this isn't negotiable. If he says no, that's his answer. I'm sure he has his reasons. Maybe with some time he'll change his mind, but you shouldn't try to do it for him. My own DH wants four children and I am just now warming to the idea of three. Just saying that he could change his mind on his own.

I think your friends just want you to be in their boat. I agree with all the PP that you and your husband have to in the same ship!

[Anonymous]

OP, I also feel the exact same way you do. My situation is a bit differnt in that we have one frozen embryo. We did 7 IVFs to have our 2 children. We had one frozen on our last cycle (never had frozens in a previous). I would like to have 3 and my DH won't agree because he doesn't want 3 kids. I feel like you do, upset that the decision is his and I will hold the disappointment my entire life. I continue to hope he will change his mind.

[Anonymous]

It's been 10 months since the original post. How did this turn out?

(I have 1, want 2. Very, very painful to let go.)

[Anonymous]

i talked my husband into a third. though i love my son dearly, it's been over a year (he's 16 months) and still whenever he starts crying my husband says "why did we do this again?" i'm not sure i would have done it differently, but it can be a tough road when the third was your idea.

[Anonymous]

Leave it alone. Would not be fair to push him into this.

[Anonymous]

"I haven't ever met anyone that says the third ruined a marriage. "

LOL!