How to Convince my Husband to go for a third

[Anonymous]

My husband and a disagree on expanding our family. He says flat out no and I feel like there is a third out there waiting for us. Its just a gnawing feeling I have. Yes, I feel completely blessed to have two and if that's all we ever have I'll be happy. But I feel like its a bit unfair to not even think about it. Some people have suggested that I accidentally get pregnant. I'm not willing to do this. But I would like to know if anyone has gone through this and did you have any lucky convincing your husband that three won't ruin the balance? My husband, I think, is concerned about finances, and fatigue level. I, on the other hand, think that adding a third will not significantly change our finances (we both work and we're certainly not rich but we're solidly in the middle and doing fine), and I really don't care about another year or two of being tired. We're already in that life, why not add to the joy of more kids? Any ideas?

[Anonymous]

Hmmm....Third child or a happy marriage? If your husband feels strongly why would you want to convince him of something he doesn't want? Everything could turn out okay or he could end up resenting you and the third child. Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

OP here. That is indeed true. Although, from my anecdotal research, the third tends to be scarier as a possibility than a reality. I have four friends who wound up going on to thirds after some debate and the third was the icing on the cake they all say. I haven't ever met anyone that says the third ruined a marriage.

[Anonymous]

You don't. If he doesn't want one, you shouldn't have one.

[Anonymous]

If he doesn't want a third, he doesn't want a third - nothing unfair about it. It should take two willing people to make a child, otherwise you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. That is indeed true. Although, from my anecdotal research, the third tends to be scarier as a possibility than a reality. I have four friends who wound up going on to thirds after some debate and the third was the icing on the cake they all say. I haven't ever met anyone that says the third ruined a marriage.

There's a thread on this somewhere, and a shocking number of people said it did.

[Anonymous]

All fair points. I guess I have friends who have proven the opposite to me so I thought there might be a chance of a convincing argument. I should say that my husband is an amazing hands on father. He didn't go into fatherhood with any hesitation. he loves it and I truly think that if we had a third he would love it. I guess its hard to describe why I think there's a chance.

[Anonymous]

Agree with other PP's that this isn't negotiable. If he says no, that's his answer. I'm sure he has his reasons. Maybe with some time he'll change his mind, but you shouldn't try to do it for him. My own DH wants four children and I am just now warming to the idea of three. Just saying that he could change his mind on his own.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't have anything to do with whether or not he is a good father. He might feel that he is maxed as far as being a Dad. And I don't care what you say, having a third will require more resources -- time and money.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you're not thinking of things you can do yourself to reach solace with the fact that you will only have 2 kids. Why work on your husband? Why would this be eating away at you? Seems like his view: 2 is enough, is a lot less burdensome than yours: We need another one. I would spend time thinking about why I felt this emptiness with 2 children. 2 is great.

[Anonymous]

What I don't understand is why everyone cautions that you should just go with what he wants otherwise he will be resentful bla bla bla - what about you? How is this a compromise at all? What if you end up with a life of resentment on your side, from not having a third?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I guess if you've never felt the feeling, its hard to explain. I am thrilled with two, but I truly have the feeling that our family isn't complete yet. And while I have spent three years working on a way to find peace that this is it for us, that feeling hasn't really gone away at all. Like I said it the beginning, I will be perfectly content if two is all I ever have. I also think its worth exploring the issue one more time with my husband before I close the door completely so that's why I asked if anyone has had a similar experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I don't understand is why everyone cautions that you should just go with what he wants otherwise he will be resentful bla bla bla - what about you? How is this a compromise at all? What if you end up with a life of resentment on your side, from not having a third?

Thank you. I agree. We may not have a third, but I don't understand why its me that has to swallow my needs. I think its worth a discussion. And I actually do really worry about resentment on my side if he's not willing to discuss at all. It is a lifelong dream of mine to have a bigger family than just two. I think even if we toyed with the idea and then jointly came to the conclusion that it wasn't possible it would be better than never exploring it.

[Anonymous]

I am in the opposite situation: DH wants at least four kids, I am done with being pregnant with DC2! However much I demonstrate that more children would put us at risk financially, etc... it is a gut feeling my DH has, something instinctive that he will miss all his life if we "only" have 2 children. Maybe it is because he comes from a family with 4 kids, maybe it is because his younger brother already has 4 kids (a little jealousy there).
But being the eternal optimist, DH is convinced I will come around in time! Not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in the opposite situation: DH wants at least four kids, I am done with being pregnant with DC2! However much I demonstrate that more children would put us at risk financially, etc... it is a gut feeling my DH has, something instinctive that he will miss all his life if we "only" have 2 children. Maybe it is because he comes from a family with 4 kids, maybe it is because his younger brother already has 4 kids (a little jealousy there).
But being the eternal optimist, DH is convinced I will come around in time! Not

So, do you worry about resentment on his part is you don't ever come around?