DH might be cheating...need some perspective and IPhone tech info

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow PP (21:02). Thanks for the thoughtful and sensitive response. You have no idea what I went through and yet you feel qualified to judge. Yes, I worked hard to do whatever I needed to do to rebuild the trust in my marriage, and that included lots of checking up on him at first (less over time and almost never now). I did this for my kids, because I truly believed that it was what was best for them. The full disclosure from him is what I needed in the beginning, which is where the OP is now, to even feel that I could give staying in the marriage a shot. My point for OP was merely that absent that complete and utter level of honesty and openess, there is no way to move forward staying in the relationship.

My husband is basically a good guy who did a terrible thing for a lot of reasons that are complicated and which are our own business. He has owned up to it fully and humbly, and has done everything he can to make amends, and I find that as time goes by and he has been totally open with me, that I am beginning to trust him again. Staying together and working on our marriage was the choice I made because after much soul-searching, I decided this is what would be best for our kids and for me as well. And as bizarre as this sounds, our relationship is a better one now because it is a more honest one. Yes, he smashed my world and caused me the worst pain you can imagine, but we have painstakingly glued it back together, and maybe it isn't as pretty as it used to be, and yes you can see the scars, but it is real and human and not something to be made a mockery of with your casual "gag." This is real life and it is messy and ugly and heartbreaking, but we forged ahead one day at a time to get to a new normal. Maybe you are lucky enough to have a 'perfect' marriage but let me tell you you never know when things will come crashing down on you. We were the couple everyone thought was "perfect" and wanted to emulate--I can't tell you how many times I was told how great we were together, and you know I thought so too. He was never abusive, never seemed to have had his eye on other women, did stuff around the house, great with the kids, just the kind of guy you love to bring home to mom. To this day anyone who found out about his affair would be SHOCKED. And I always told my husband jokingly that if he cheated I would kick him to the curb no questions asked and I really believed that I would (although never dreamed it would be a choice I'd have to make). And yet when it really happened to me and I realized that nothing is that simple. I make my own money -- more than him in fact-- and can take care of myself and don't mind being on my own so it wasn't a question of "needing" my husband. Leaving him would have been the easy way. But I have chosen to stay and it took more guts than I knew I had, and required every ounce of love for my kids that I could muster. And you know, it was worth it. I have come out the other side and it has been worth it, no doubt in my mind.

So think before you post your sarcastic, flip little response next time why don't you. I'm a real person sitting here you know? A person with feelings who has been through hell and has the battle scars to prove it. And there are many many women out there just like me. We aren't stupid patsies who don't know any better. We are women and mothers who have done what we needed to do to make the best possible lives for our families. For some women that means leaving an abusive or destructive relationship. For others that means sucking it up and rebuilding what was broken, whatever it takes.

*standing and applauding*

I am in a similar boat, and I could not possibly have explained it better than this. I think that people who haven't been there - and statistically, many of us have or will eventually - just don't understand what infidelity is truly like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow PP (21:02). Thanks for the thoughtful and sensitive response. You have no idea what I went through and yet you feel qualified to judge. Yes, I worked hard to do whatever I needed to do to rebuild the trust in my marriage, and that included lots of checking up on him at first (less over time and almost never now). I did this for my kids, because I truly believed that it was what was best for them. The full disclosure from him is what I needed in the beginning, which is where the OP is now, to even feel that I could give staying in the marriage a shot. My point for OP was merely that absent that complete and utter level of honesty and openess, there is no way to move forward staying in the relationship.

My husband is basically a good guy who did a terrible thing for a lot of reasons that are complicated and which are our own business. He has owned up to it fully and humbly, and has done everything he can to make amends, and I find that as time goes by and he has been totally open with me, that I am beginning to trust him again. Staying together and working on our marriage was the choice I made because after much soul-searching, I decided this is what would be best for our kids and for me as well. And as bizarre as this sounds, our relationship is a better one now because it is a more honest one. Yes, he smashed my world and caused me the worst pain you can imagine, but we have painstakingly glued it back together, and maybe it isn't as pretty as it used to be, and yes you can see the scars, but it is real and human and not something to be made a mockery of with your casual "gag." This is real life and it is messy and ugly and heartbreaking, but we forged ahead one day at a time to get to a new normal. Maybe you are lucky enough to have a 'perfect' marriage but let me tell you you never know when things will come crashing down on you. We were the couple everyone thought was "perfect" and wanted to emulate--I can't tell you how many times I was told how great we were together, and you know I thought so too. He was never abusive, never seemed to have had his eye on other women, did stuff around the house, great with the kids, just the kind of guy you love to bring home to mom. To this day anyone who found out about his affair would be SHOCKED. And I always told my husband jokingly that if he cheated I would kick him to the curb no questions asked and I really believed that I would (although never dreamed it would be a choice I'd have to make). And yet when it really happened to me and I realized that nothing is that simple. I make my own money -- more than him in fact-- and can take care of myself and don't mind being on my own so it wasn't a question of "needing" my husband. Leaving him would have been the easy way. But I have chosen to stay and it took more guts than I knew I had, and required every ounce of love for my kids that I could muster. And you know, it was worth it. I have come out the other side and it has been worth it, no doubt in my mind.

So think before you post your sarcastic, flip little response next time why don't you. I'm a real person sitting here you know? A person with feelings who has been through hell and has the battle scars to prove it. And there are many many women out there just like me. We aren't stupid patsies who don't know any better. We are women and mothers who have done what we needed to do to make the best possible lives for our families. For some women that means leaving an abusive or destructive relationship. For others that means sucking it up and rebuilding what was broken, whatever it takes.

Good for you; don't let one jerk poster get to you.

[Anonymous]

I agree that he is totally lying and there is probably more going on.

Personally, I think that if he had such a need to access these sites, it was only a matter of time before he took it a step further. He needs individual therapy and you should do couples therapy if you wish to save your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow PP (21:02). Thanks for the thoughtful and sensitive response. You have no idea what I went through and yet you feel qualified to judge. Yes, I worked hard to do whatever I needed to do to rebuild the trust in my marriage, and that included lots of checking up on him at first (less over time and almost never now). I did this for my kids, because I truly believed that it was what was best for them. The full disclosure from him is what I needed in the beginning, which is where the OP is now, to even feel that I could give staying in the marriage a shot. My point for OP was merely that absent that complete and utter level of honesty and openess, there is no way to move forward staying in the relationship.

Not the snarky PP - I admit, I was also thinking that checking credit reports, etc. sounded like a lot of work. But I also thought about the kid aspect and really find it admirable that you were able to get past the affair.

I am lucky not to be in your position and I pray I never will be (not to say that I have the perfect marriage - far from it - but my DH just isn't the "cheating" type I think...though maybe you never know for sure??). But I guess my question is how do you get past it? I really don't think I could trust my husband again if he cheated on me and I think I would use it against him to punish him forever. Maybe with counseling I would get past it, but do you still have doubts? Do you feel that once a cheater always a cheater or is that just a stupid little cliche with no real meaning? I hope I don't sound insensitive, just curious...feel free to ignore - I know I am being noisy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow PP (21:02). Thanks for the thoughtful and sensitive response. You have no idea what I went through and yet you feel qualified to judge. Yes, I worked hard to do whatever I needed to do to rebuild the trust in my marriage, and that included lots of checking up on him at first (less over time and almost never now). I did this for my kids, because I truly believed that it was what was best for them. The full disclosure from him is what I needed in the beginning, which is where the OP is now, to even feel that I could give staying in the marriage a shot. My point for OP was merely that absent that complete and utter level of honesty and openess, there is no way to move forward staying in the relationship.

My husband is basically a good guy who did a terrible thing for a lot of reasons that are complicated and which are our own business. He has owned up to it fully and humbly, and has done everything he can to make amends, and I find that as time goes by and he has been totally open with me, that I am beginning to trust him again. Staying together and working on our marriage was the choice I made because after much soul-searching, I decided this is what would be best for our kids and for me as well. And as bizarre as this sounds, our relationship is a better one now because it is a more honest one. Yes, he smashed my world and caused me the worst pain you can imagine, but we have painstakingly glued it back together, and maybe it isn't as pretty as it used to be, and yes you can see the scars, but it is real and human and not something to be made a mockery of with your casual "gag." This is real life and it is messy and ugly and heartbreaking, but we forged ahead one day at a time to get to a new normal. Maybe you are lucky enough to have a 'perfect' marriage but let me tell you you never know when things will come crashing down on you. We were the couple everyone thought was "perfect" and wanted to emulate--I can't tell you how many times I was told how great we were together, and you know I thought so too. He was never abusive, never seemed to have had his eye on other women, did stuff around the house, great with the kids, just the kind of guy you love to bring home to mom. To this day anyone who found out about his affair would be SHOCKED. And I always told my husband jokingly that if he cheated I would kick him to the curb no questions asked and I really believed that I would (although never dreamed it would be a choice I'd have to make). And yet when it really happened to me and I realized that nothing is that simple. I make my own money -- more than him in fact-- and can take care of myself and don't mind being on my own so it wasn't a question of "needing" my husband. Leaving him would have been the easy way. But I have chosen to stay and it took more guts than I knew I had, and required every ounce of love for my kids that I could muster. And you know, it was worth it. I have come out the other side and it has been worth it, no doubt in my mind.

So think before you post your sarcastic, flip little response next time why don't you. I'm a real person sitting here you know? A person with feelings who has been through hell and has the battle scars to prove it. And there are many many women out there just like me. We aren't stupid patsies who don't know any better. We are women and mothers who have done what we needed to do to make the best possible lives for our families. For some women that means leaving an abusive or destructive relationship. For others that means sucking it up and rebuilding what was broken, whatever it takes.

*standing and applauding*

I am in a similar boat, and I could not possibly have explained it better than this. I think that people who haven't been there - and statistically, many of us have or will eventually - just don't understand what infidelity is truly like.

Agree. Excellent post. You are an incredible person. Thanks for the perspective.

[Anonymous]

OP, why would you let a "sarcastic, flip little response" from an anonymous poster on the internet cut you to the core? I think the megapost you left afterwards is telling.

[Anonymous]

i disagree pp. OP, there are probably many of us lurking here, too exhausted to explain to the judgmental ones who jump to the "leave him asap" why they're not always correct.

i'm sorry you seem to have discovered a new problem though. i hope you can get through it, even if it means having a different ending this time.

[Anonymous]

pp, so, you're saying BE HURT by what anonymous internet people say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:pp, so, you're saying BE HURT by what anonymous internet people say?

Look, unless you've lived it, you can't understand how horrible the whole thing was for her. And perhaps her defensiveness is understandable.

I have lived it, and one of the things I just shake my head at now is how much effort I used to have to put into monitoring him. Worry about leaving my house - who would he have over? His cell phone records, email, facebook, credit report.... ugh. I am glad it was worth it for PP but I am so much happier now not having to babysit my ex just to get him to be a basically decent guy. I can't say I recommend PPs solution but I understand where she is coming from. Good for her and her kids if they can make it work....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why would you let a "sarcastic, flip little response" from an anonymous poster on the internet cut you to the core? I think the megapost you left afterwards is telling.

Umm b/c she shared something personal with the intention of helping the OP and felt shot down? Come on now... Empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:pp, so, you're saying BE HURT by what anonymous internet people say?

Look, unless you've lived it, you can't understand how horrible the whole thing was for her. And perhaps her defensiveness is understandable.

I have lived it, and one of the things I just shake my head at now is how much effort I used to have to put into monitoring him. Worry about leaving my house - who would he have over? His cell phone records, email, facebook, credit report.... ugh. I am glad it was worth it for PP but I am so much happier now not having to babysit my ex just to get him to be a basically decent guy. I can't say I recommend PPs solution but I understand where she is coming from. Good for her and her kids if they can make it work....

Sounds to me like you had enough on your plate than to worry about faceless internet comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why would you let a "sarcastic, flip little response" from an anonymous poster on the internet cut you to the core? I think the megapost you left afterwards is telling.

Umm b/c she shared something personal with the intention of helping the OP and felt shot down? Come on now... Empathy.

There is no lack of empathy (though, more of it is sympathy) on this thread. The one comment that goes slightly against the grain completely undoes all of the support?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:23:49, thanks for your kind words. I'm working on the whole honest thing! And PP, thanks for your take--I can see your point. My original post was just to give practical advice I guess, but I see what you mean. The difference between you and the other poster is that while you may have thought it, you did not post/say it. I will be the first to admit that I've engaged in DCUM snarkiness, but I think it is one thing to do that when commenting on, say, someone's choice of stroller, versus making snarky comments about someone's marriage. Honestly, it was hurtful to read that when I was really just trying to be helpful to to the OP.

I also have to say that while I appreciate your nice comments, I don't think most parents makes the decision to split up without agonizing over the effect on their kids. I think the decision boils down to whether staying in the marriage is more destructive than getting out of it. The point is, we never know what goes on behind closed doors in a relationship, even if we think we do.

I know there are terrible parents out there but I think most of us want what is best for our kids. It is just that sometimes there is no really good option, so you just have to pick the least bad option, you know?

And getting back to the OP, which is who matters here, this is a terrible situation and she must be feeling awful now, and I want her to know that whatever it is, whatever she decides to do, and however her husband reacts, there is a way through it and that she will be ok as long as she stays calm, thinks things through, accepts the truth of what is going on and focuses on the essentials.

I loved your first post, 23:37, and this one as well. There's a huge difference between snarkiness about a stroller and snarkiness about something that's emotionally laden. It's very easy to be flippant and snarky when you're anonymous and if you haven't been in that position before. Karma has a way of coming back around and I hope the judgmental have the resources and support to get them through their storm. Thank you for sharing so eloquently.

[Anonymous]

So is the OP's discovery of these texts "karma" for something she did?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Be quick and quiet about your plans, OP!

I tottally agree with pp!!!