DH might be cheating...need some perspective and IPhone tech info

[Anonymous]

NP here. Sorry, OP that you are dealing with this. My take is for you to dig deeper! Email, credit card statements, etc...I think you need the whole story (if there is one, and surely there is) and DH will never give it to you. You need to know the depth of his transgressions and how to protect yourself if necessary. You may only find the stuff you have already discovered, but I'm sure your gut is telling you there is more. I hope counseling works for you, lots of marriages rebound with the proper guidance, but I firmly believe all the cards have to be on the table.

[Anonymous]

Sure, your husband has a right to privacy. However, he does not have a right to secrecy. You were right to check. Now you need to act.

www.survivinginfidelity.com. The best resource on the web for betrayed spouses. You will be shocked (probably) at the hard line that most people there advocate. But keep reading - they have all been there, and they know what they are talking about.

[Anonymous]

I would be concerned about leaving the house and leaving DC without consulting an attorney. Could he make the case for abandonement?

If you can stand, it I might be quick and quiet and stay a little longer while you hatch out a good plan with a good attorney. You want to position yourself in a good spot for custody if you do separate, and leaving DC with him unsupervised will not bolster any future claim that he is unfit.

I'm not an attorney, so these are just my two cents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want to position yourself in a good spot for custody if you do separate, and leaving DC with him unsupervised will not bolster any future claim that he is unfit.

Agreed. Anything you can do to prove you are the one who primarily takes care of DC will help you win custody if it comes to that. If you start doing stuff like staying at a friends for a couple days and leaving DC with husband, he can use that against you. I would take DC with me.

[Anonymous]

I know this is awful for you. When my husband cheated on me he made up all sorts of totally improbable lies. I think they get desperate and lose their minds. I just wanted to offer you my moral support and to let you know that you can find your way through this. In our case, he lied several times even in the face of irrefutable evidence -- it was completely ridiculous. However, he finally came out with the whole truth, expressed true remorse, and agreed to go to marriage counseling. He also agreed to complete disclosure about anything I asked and to be totally open -- I have all access to his email, bank accounts etc. I even monitor his credit report, so that I would know if he had any secret credit cards etc. Only his willingness to meet every single one of my conditions and to be accountable for every moment of his time convinced me not to kick his ass to the curb. He knows if he lies or omits even ONE thing, and I am done with him. I still monitor his computer use, phone etc. I understand he could still get around this, but hard to do when I'm looking at his credit report and cash withdrawls.

In our case, our marriage has survived and we are doing well. I would not have even tried but for the kids, but I'm glad I did. However, if your husband won't fess up and come clean, there is no chance that the marriage will survive.

As for snooping, of course you were well within your rights to do so. Had I not done so, who knows where this all would have ended up.

Hang in there, you are not alone in this. I'm sorry you had to join this club, but if nothing else you will learn your own strength.

[Anonymous]

DH here, yes he's lying and he's bad at it too! But is he cheating? Perhaps. Is getting a massage with a happy ending (which that's what those ads are for I assume) cheating and grounds for separation? To some people yes, to some no. It's certainly different than watching porn but also different from having an affair. Although I'm sure some women think they are all the same.
I just don't view this as full reason to break a marriage, I'd work through it. I've seen stats that say majority of men have gotten massages with happy ending in their lifetime.

Good luck OP. At the least you have a husband that's undermining you, not being smart about it, and looking for something sleezy and sexual (although likely emotionless) on the side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here, yes he's lying and he's bad at it too! But is he cheating? Perhaps. Is getting a massage with a happy ending (which that's what those ads are for I assume) cheating and grounds for separation? To some people yes, to some no. It's certainly different than watching porn but also different from having an affair. Although I'm sure some women think they are all the same.

Um... Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Agree with other poster who said she spent too much time listening to "cockamamie" stories (LOL). You are exactly right. Also, turing it around and blaming you - another poster on here taught me that iscalled "gaslighting".
I hope you hire a PI and get the truth. And I'd hesitate to leave my DC with a person who is, in essence paying for sex with prostitutes. Not the kind of person I'd want watching my kids. It's a crime and may bar him from custody (I hope) if you can prove it.

eww

totally puts things into perspective!

[Anonymous]

PP is right. Happy ending massages are not the same as, e.g. having an affair with a colleague. The former, while seedy, is just not the same as something that is an actual extra-marital romantic relationship.

[Anonymous]

Damn..having to check on my Dh's credit reports, phone calls, bank statements all because he cheated on me seems like a hell of a lotta work!

He cheats on me AND I get to spend the rest of my life making sure it doesn't happen again?
gag.

[Anonymous]

Wow PP (21:02). Thanks for the thoughtful and sensitive response. You have no idea what I went through and yet you feel qualified to judge. Yes, I worked hard to do whatever I needed to do to rebuild the trust in my marriage, and that included lots of checking up on him at first (less over time and almost never now). I did this for my kids, because I truly believed that it was what was best for them. The full disclosure from him is what I needed in the beginning, which is where the OP is now, to even feel that I could give staying in the marriage a shot. My point for OP was merely that absent that complete and utter level of honesty and openess, there is no way to move forward staying in the relationship.

My husband is basically a good guy who did a terrible thing for a lot of reasons that are complicated and which are our own business. He has owned up to it fully and humbly, and has done everything he can to make amends, and I find that as time goes by and he has been totally open with me, that I am beginning to trust him again. Staying together and working on our marriage was the choice I made because after much soul-searching, I decided this is what would be best for our kids and for me as well. And as bizarre as this sounds, our relationship is a better one now because it is a more honest one. Yes, he smashed my world and caused me the worst pain you can imagine, but we have painstakingly glued it back together, and maybe it isn't as pretty as it used to be, and yes you can see the scars, but it is real and human and not something to be made a mockery of with your casual "gag." This is real life and it is messy and ugly and heartbreaking, but we forged ahead one day at a time to get to a new normal. Maybe you are lucky enough to have a 'perfect' marriage but let me tell you you never know when things will come crashing down on you. We were the couple everyone thought was "perfect" and wanted to emulate--I can't tell you how many times I was told how great we were together, and you know I thought so too. He was never abusive, never seemed to have had his eye on other women, did stuff around the house, great with the kids, just the kind of guy you love to bring home to mom. To this day anyone who found out about his affair would be SHOCKED. And I always told my husband jokingly that if he cheated I would kick him to the curb no questions asked and I really believed that I would (although never dreamed it would be a choice I'd have to make). And yet when it really happened to me and I realized that nothing is that simple. I make my own money -- more than him in fact-- and can take care of myself and don't mind being on my own so it wasn't a question of "needing" my husband. Leaving him would have been the easy way. But I have chosen to stay and it took more guts than I knew I had, and required every ounce of love for my kids that I could muster. And you know, it was worth it. I have come out the other side and it has been worth it, no doubt in my mind.

So think before you post your sarcastic, flip little response next time why don't you. I'm a real person sitting here you know? A person with feelings who has been through hell and has the battle scars to prove it. And there are many many women out there just like me. We aren't stupid patsies who don't know any better. We are women and mothers who have done what we needed to do to make the best possible lives for our families. For some women that means leaving an abusive or destructive relationship. For others that means sucking it up and rebuilding what was broken, whatever it takes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Is getting a massage with a happy ending (which that's what those ads are for I assume) cheating and grounds for separation? To some people yes, to some no. It's certainly different than watching porn but also different from having an affair.

I'd rather my DH have an affair than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow PP (21:02). Thanks for the thoughtful and sensitive response. I'm a real person sitting here you know? A person with feelings who has been through hell and has the battle scars to prove it. And there are many many women out there just like me. We aren't stupid patsies who don't know any better. We are women and mothers who have done what we needed to do to make the best possible lives for our families. For some women that means leaving an abusive or destructive relationship. For others that means sucking it up and rebuilding what was broken, whatever it takes.

NP here - Best of luck to you and DH and thanks for posting so honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow PP (21:02). Thanks for the thoughtful and sensitive response. You have no idea what I went through and yet you feel qualified to judge. Yes, I worked hard to do whatever I needed to do to rebuild the trust in my marriage, and that included lots of checking up on him at first (less over time and almost never now). I did this for my kids, because I truly believed that it was what was best for them. The full disclosure from him is what I needed in the beginning, which is where the OP is now, to even feel that I could give staying in the marriage a shot. My point for OP was merely that absent that complete and utter level of honesty and openess, there is no way to move forward staying in the relationship.

My husband is basically a good guy who did a terrible thing for a lot of reasons that are complicated and which are our own business. He has owned up to it fully and humbly, and has done everything he can to make amends, and I find that as time goes by and he has been totally open with me, that I am beginning to trust him again. Staying together and working on our marriage was the choice I made because after much soul-searching, I decided this is what would be best for our kids and for me as well. And as bizarre as this sounds, our relationship is a better one now because it is a more honest one. Yes, he smashed my world and caused me the worst pain you can imagine, but we have painstakingly glued it back together, and maybe it isn't as pretty as it used to be, and yes you can see the scars, but it is real and human and not something to be made a mockery of with your casual "gag." This is real life and it is messy and ugly and heartbreaking, but we forged ahead one day at a time to get to a new normal. Maybe you are lucky enough to have a 'perfect' marriage but let me tell you you never know when things will come crashing down on you. We were the couple everyone thought was "perfect" and wanted to emulate--I can't tell you how many times I was told how great we were together, and you know I thought so too. He was never abusive, never seemed to have had his eye on other women, did stuff around the house, great with the kids, just the kind of guy you love to bring home to mom. To this day anyone who found out about his affair would be SHOCKED. And I always told my husband jokingly that if he cheated I would kick him to the curb no questions asked and I really believed that I would (although never dreamed it would be a choice I'd have to make). And yet when it really happened to me and I realized that nothing is that simple. I make my own money -- more than him in fact-- and can take care of myself and don't mind being on my own so it wasn't a question of "needing" my husband. Leaving him would have been the easy way. But I have chosen to stay and it took more guts than I knew I had, and required every ounce of love for my kids that I could muster. And you know, it was worth it. I have come out the other side and it has been worth it, no doubt in my mind.

So think before you post your sarcastic, flip little response next time why don't you. I'm a real person sitting here you know? A person with feelings who has been through hell and has the battle scars to prove it. And there are many many women out there just like me. We aren't stupid patsies who don't know any better. We are women and mothers who have done what we needed to do to make the best possible lives for our families. For some women that means leaving an abusive or destructive relationship. For others that means sucking it up and rebuilding what was broken, whatever it takes.

to be fair to 21:02, your original post did not offer the same insight as you have detailed here. i thought the same as 21:02 when I read your first post. But now that you have filled in the blanks, I think that you are brave, honorable and did the right thing. Far too many parents split up without thinking about the impact of their actions and decisions on their kids. when dealing with these things, there is never one simple answer, but I do think that thinking about the children is first and foremost. Best of luck to you as anyone could end up in your shoes!

[Anonymous]

23:49, thanks for your kind words. I'm working on the whole honest thing! And PP, thanks for your take--I can see your point. My original post was just to give practical advice I guess, but I see what you mean. The difference between you and the other poster is that while you may have thought it, you did not post/say it. I will be the first to admit that I've engaged in DCUM snarkiness, but I think it is one thing to do that when commenting on, say, someone's choice of stroller, versus making snarky comments about someone's marriage. Honestly, it was hurtful to read that when I was really just trying to be helpful to to the OP.

I also have to say that while I appreciate your nice comments, I don't think most parents makes the decision to split up without agonizing over the effect on their kids. I think the decision boils down to whether staying in the marriage is more destructive than getting out of it. The point is, we never know what goes on behind closed doors in a relationship, even if we think we do.

I know there are terrible parents out there but I think most of us want what is best for our kids. It is just that sometimes there is no really good option, so you just have to pick the least bad option, you know?

And getting back to the OP, which is who matters here, this is a terrible situation and she must be feeling awful now, and I want her to know that whatever it is, whatever she decides to do, and however her husband reacts, there is a way through it and that she will be ok as long as she stays calm, thinks things through, accepts the truth of what is going on and focuses on the essentials.