Daughter upset she's not the best at anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s her passion?
Don’t wallow with her complaining.
What does she want improve about herself?

I was actually going to day that she is frustrated bc she has heard this narrative of finding your passion her whole life. I agree. I felt lazy and less than for much of my life for not having a passion. It kind of even arrested my career development bc I couldn't figure out what direction to go or how to do it bc I couldn't figure out my passion. But now close to 40 I feel like this whole idea is kind of BS. having a passion is like having a calling, it's actually pretty rare, it usually comes at the expense of other aspects of your life and it should not be something everyone goes searching for! Being good at a lot of stuff but not amazing makes her pretty bad ass compared to the general public!

Yup. This "having a passion" thing is bunkum. It's fine to have a passion (although, as the PP says, it usually comes at the expense of other things). It's fine to have multiple passions, either simultaneously or serially. It's fine to not have any passions right now. It's fine to not have any passions ever. Seriously, where did this "having a passion" thing even come from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a lot like her, and I was frustrated by it. What took me a loooong time to realize is that almost no one is really really good at anything without a ton of practice. I didn’t have a passion for any one thing, and so I didn’t intensely practice one thing. So I was decent at a broad array of things. Still am. But in 9th grade I found my thing - rowing - and rowed through high school and college. And I was a good tower, but never the best. But it didn’t matter - what mattered was I loved it, and I tried every day to be the best.

Your daughter will come to understand that being pretty darn good at most things is a spectacular gift that opens just about any door. If she want to get really good at one thing she is going to have to throw herself into it with passion - and she still may not be the best! But she’ll feel less at sea.

This. Why does she know a few instruments? The way you get good is to take one instrument and practice it a lot. A minimum of one hour a day.

See what's funny when I read this post is that I think, cool tell her to keep just playing a little of all of them, when she gets a little older she can form a band and be able to play a lot of parts as needed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right now, all of her friends might seem "the best" at something, but there's always a bigger pond. The kids who are "the best" at sports, music, or academics will head off to college and no longer even make the team there. Or if they do, they won't be starters, soloists, etc. Unless you're truly elite in something, everyone eventually has to make that adjustment of accepting that they're good but not the best.

If she's feeling insecure, one other way to look at things is that she's not the worst at anything in her friend group. The kid who is the best athlete might be the worst musician. One of the perks of being well rounded is that you're never among the worst at anything.

This is a little much and not productive to the kid. Why talk about the downfall of other kids? How will that help your child? Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like her “thing” is putting unnecessary pressure on herself. May wanna check that before it becomes an anxiety disorder or lingering depression.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was one of these kids who was the best at many things in school: best student, great in music, great writer, fantastic in foreign languages...then I graduated high school and realized that I am small and average in everything, and that's OK. You can aim for good but come on, to be THE BEST in anything comes with major sacrifices and STILL only one person gets it. I mean look at national championships in any sport. All competitors at nationals have made major sacrifices and work damn hard to the exclusion of anything else. And still only one person will medal and everyone else will go home.

[Anonymous]

I was her up to a point. I was actually really good at school, but didn’t have a “thing” beyond being a good student. Anyway, that all changed when I spent a summer and then a year abroad as a high school student. It was different and that experience gave me an identity. I had found my “thing,” and my confidence shot right up.
Think outside the box — she could find her thing outside of the typical school and sports offerings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is not passionate about anything and therefore does not work hard to be the best. Nothing wrong with that except she is unhappy about it. She needs to get over this. This is most people and not a reason to be unhappy.

I find this thread very strange. Just because you're passionate about something doesn't mean you're good at it. Why does everyone think that? I think that's the problem around here. People equate being passionate and having a pointy interest with excelling at something.

Your DD sounds terrific and I think you should focus her on finding happiness, not her "passion." My DD is one similarly only "pretty good" at everything but is a very happy child because she picks activities that make her happy even if she's not good at them! I also have a DS who is very good (first place awards good) at something but it isn't his passion. He finds the activity okay but would rather spend time doing something else which he happens to be less good at.

[Anonymous]

Now she says she wants to be a model...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
She feels like she doesn't have any interests or gifts or skills that she can be best at, or even that can be specific to her, can be her "thing". I feel for her because she is unhappy, but I think she is wonderful. She's just a great, all around good human being.

But I want to help her find something to feel special about. Any ideas?

I would question that it's actually your job to "help her find something to feel special about."

Instead I would suggest that even though (of course) you want to give her that special feeling, and your instinct is to find a way to serve that up for her -- because you love her and want her to feel good!

But what you really need to do is empower HER to find a constructive way to approach this particular kind of unhappiness.

Maybe she needs to work harder at something, or maybe she needs to learn something new. Or maybe she needs to shift her narrative from one in which she's not good enough to one in which she is actually pretty great.

Or maybe she needs to better identify the issue: Could it that this unhappiness is about something other than just feeling special? Is she worried about getting into college? Or is this about friends or romantic interests or something else? Is this existential angst?Or would her imagined specialness serve some sort of purpose (which could perhaps be served in another way?)

Your post doesn't suggest the answers to these questions. The good news, however, is that she's talking to your about your unhappiness, and that you're listening.

Then, I'd consider whether she actually wants your help, or whether she just needs to unload these thoughts and feelings somewhere that she knows she is safe and loved. (If you're not sure, ask.)

If she's interested, I would try to keep the conversation open and ask questions that get her wheels spinning, and where needed, help her connect the dots.

And if she's asking for help, you can always ask what kind of help she wants. (I will bet a million dollars she does not say, "Mom, I want you to help me find something to feel special about.") Maybe this is really about wanting to sign up for a certain class, or feeling like she needs to start getting up earlier, or maybe she is actually depressed and wants to see a therapist. Who knows. She probably doesn't know yet herself.

Whatever she needs, your role is to guide her towards the solution -- but not to serve it up for her. This is just the right kind of problem for 9th grade, and a good opportunity for you to help her find a constructive way to use unhappiness, as we all do, to guide us towards making good choices and figuring out what we really want and need in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a lot like her, and I was frustrated by it. What took me a loooong time to realize is that almost no one is really really good at anything without a ton of practice. I didn’t have a passion for any one thing, and so I didn’t intensely practice one thing. So I was decent at a broad array of things. Still am. But in 9th grade I found my thing - rowing - and rowed through high school and college. And I was a good tower, but never the best. But it didn’t matter - what mattered was I loved it, and I tried every day to be the best.

Your daughter will come to understand that being pretty darn good at most things is a spectacular gift that opens just about any door. If she want to get really good at one thing she is going to have to throw herself into it with passion - and she still may not be the best! But she’ll feel less at sea.

This. Why does she know a few instruments? The way you get good is to take one instrument and practice it a lot. A minimum of one hour a day.

See what's funny when I read this post is that I think, cool tell her to keep just playing a little of all of them, when she gets a little older she can form a band and be able to play a lot of parts as needed!

DP. Trouble is, if you want to form a band that would sound even somewhat decent, you'll need musicians who are good at their respective instrument! Specialization is required.
That said, I also call BS on the entire 'everyone needs a passion' thing. Everyone needs to make a living and be a decent person,but not everyone should wake up every day and reach for her flute/ballet tutu/baseball bat right away. It's great if you do, but not lethal if you don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She feels like she doesn't have any interests or gifts or skills that she can be best at, or even that can be specific to her, can be her "thing". I feel for her because she is unhappy, but I think she is wonderful. She's just a great, all around good human being.

But I want to help her find something to feel special about. Any ideas?

I would question that it's actually your job to "help her find something to feel special about."

Instead I would suggest that even though (of course) you want to give her that special feeling, and your instinct is to find a way to serve that up for her -- because you love her and want her to feel good!

But what you really need to do is empower HER to find a constructive way to approach this particular kind of unhappiness.

Maybe she needs to work harder at something, or maybe she needs to learn something new. Or maybe she needs to shift her narrative from one in which she's not good enough to one in which she is actually pretty great.

Or maybe she needs to better identify the issue: Could it that this unhappiness is about something other than just feeling special? Is she worried about getting into college? Or is this about friends or romantic interests or something else? Is this existential angst?Or would her imagined specialness serve some sort of purpose (which could perhaps be served in another way?)

Your post doesn't suggest the answers to these questions. The good news, however, is that she's talking to your about your unhappiness, and that you're listening.

Then, I'd consider whether she actually wants your help, or whether she just needs to unload these thoughts and feelings somewhere that she knows she is safe and loved. (If you're not sure, ask.)

If she's interested, I would try to keep the conversation open and ask questions that get her wheels spinning, and where needed, help her connect the dots.

And if she's asking for help, you can always ask what kind of help she wants. (I will bet a million dollars she does not say, "Mom, I want you to help me find something to feel special about.") Maybe this is really about wanting to sign up for a certain class, or feeling like she needs to start getting up earlier, or maybe she is actually depressed and wants to see a therapist. Who knows. She probably doesn't know yet herself.

Whatever she needs, your role is to guide her towards the solution -- but not to serve it up for her. This is just the right kind of problem for 9th grade, and a good opportunity for you to help her find a constructive way to use unhappiness, as we all do, to guide us towards making good choices and figuring out what we really want and need in life.

Are you a therapist, or just the mom or dad I wish I'd had at that age?

[Anonymous]

If you can try to help her see it, there is a huge value in being a generalist. I used to struggle with this as well because I wasn't sure what I was good at since I did well in school across subjects. Later in life I learned that it's actually a specialized skill to be a generalist. Not everyone can do it, and there is a huge need for people who can translate across disciplines, for example. Everyone tends to undervalue their own talents.