Daughter upset she's not the best at anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who needs a passion? That’s ridiculous. She’s fine. I would deemphasize all this competitive BS stuff. If she says, I’m not “the best,” assure her that it’s fine not to be the best. Maybe people are “the best” are deeply unhappy or stressed out or change the interest as they get older. Give her the freedom to explore, fail, try new things, have FUN and be adventurous!

+1. By definition - the vast majority of us are not the "best." Who cares? Are you/is she happy? Work on being happy! (goes for all of us, right?)

[Anonymous]

OP, you have an awesome daughter. Just remind her about her strength all the time. From my experiences, when other children practiced hard one skill, kids like yours, observe the life and learned more valuable lessons. They usually turn into well rounded adults. And one of the PP was correct, colleges do take these type of kids happily.

[Anonymous]

I was a division 1 athlete and I did not start my sport when I was very young. But when I did start, I worked very hard. Year round. Staying after practice. Doing extra conditioning. I was not exceptionally naturally gifted.

If she’s not putting in an outstanding and “best” effort at anything, she can’t be mad that she’s not the best.

[Anonymous]

If it’s important to be really good at something then she needs to commit to working at it. It’s ok not to be the best at something. But kids and adults that are get there by working at it. You get a trainer or take classes and you practice every day.

[Anonymous]

My view -- For a kid with no major disability and who is reasonably intelligent --

Ask: Why would you expect to find what you may be good at, or passionate about, when you are a teenager? What have done so far in your life? There are a million things ahead to experience and explore.

What can you do now -- as a teenager -- to help yourself down the road?

1. Behave. Don't commit crimes. Treat people well. Don't abuse drugs or alcohol. They will know many, many people in their lives who do not follow these basics. Some may be likeable. Some may be materially and/or professionally successful. But, none will be happy and content with their lives.

2. Do well academically. It always opens doors. As a teenager doing well in high school and college opens doors and oppurtunities to different paths later. That is the best and biggest thing that high school students can do. You do NOT have to get into Harvard. You do NOT have to get all As. You do have to apply yourself and work to get as good as grades as you can get. Why? Because that is what will open doors for you down the road. Maybe you will find you love Chemistry. Maybe Music. Maybe Wine making. Maybe Clothes designing. Maybe preaching. Who knows. But, if you get good grades and do good work you keep doors open.

3. Be willing to try new things as you can. As a teenager growing up in a middle class to upper class area that sounds easy, but it is often not. I might have been the world's best rodeo rider, but we will never know now that I am old. So -- yes it has to be within your knowledge and abilities, both physical/financial. But, always be open to learning about things and trying new things (and even retrying old things).

4. Recognize and be willing to accept that life always requires choices and compromises. Education expands these things, but sometimes you just can not know the "best" choice. Maturity, circumstances, past experience, advice of family and friends, all help.

All common lessons that old folks tell young folks and have done so for centuries.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a well-rounded and great kid. 9th grade is a hard time especially for girls. Body changes and hormones don't help either.Reassure her that she is a fine just the way she is. Take a class with her in something new. Cooking, pottery etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a lot like her, and I was frustrated by it. What took me a loooong time to realize is that almost no one is really really good at anything without a ton of practice. I didn’t have a passion for any one thing, and so I didn’t intensely practice one thing. So I was decent at a broad array of things. Still am. But in 9th grade I found my thing - rowing - and rowed through high school and college. And I was a good tower, but never the best. But it didn’t matter - what mattered was I loved it, and I tried every day to be the best.

Your daughter will come to understand that being pretty darn good at most things is a spectacular gift that opens just about any door. If she want to get really good at one thing she is going to have to throw herself into it with passion - and she still may not be the best! But she’ll feel less at sea.

This. Why does she know a few instruments? The way you get good is to take one instrument and practice it a lot. A minimum of one hour a day.

[Anonymous]

Why do you and she have excuses for her performance?

Didn’t start sport young enough.... leaps out.

She is who she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you and she have excuses for her performance?

Didn’t start sport young enough.... leaps out.

She is who she is.

I think that part is just self recrimination from her..."Why didn't you make me stick with piano/softball" kind of talk. She's noticing now that the kids who started something younger and stuck with it are the ones doing really well now.

It's true that I didn't pressure her to stick with anything as a kid, and that is on me. I wouldn't let her take an instrument in 4th grade in school for various reasons (mostly because she had been taking piano lessons, but absolutely refused to practice and made such a stink about hating to practice) and now I regret that.

I regret not making her stick to things when she was younger, but she really didn't like to do a lot of sports. She actively resisted so I figured why push her that much?

Now she is older, and interested in sports on her own, which is great.

I appreciate everyone's very thoughtful and kind comments. She's definitely a "well rounded" kid and I'm not worried about her success in the future, just trying to steer her well through this time of negativity and feeling down about herself.

[Anonymous]

You don’t need to find some fake thing to make her feel special. You need to help her understand 99% of people are average and normal and that’s actually a blessing. It’s NICE to have a normal average life. A lot of people would kill for that. I tell this to my 9th grade students all the time- consider yourself lucky if you are average, there is a LOT worse your life could be.

[Anonymous]

The vast majority of people will never be the “best” at anything. She’s developed a great work ethic by working hard for her As. Help her understand that her work ethic will be more valuable to her than the kid who gets As without trying and never learns to buckle down. Being able to apply herself to anything she wants to do is vastly underrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is in 9th grade. She's coming to the realization that she's just not outstanding at anything. ANd for some reason that really bothers her.

She is such a great kid. She's good at most things. She's very coordinated and can pick up a sport and do fine in it... but she didn't start sports young and never specialized in anything, so she doesn't excel at any one sport. She never winds any medals or comes in first at anything.

I think she makes friends easily and she is a good friend to others. But she isn't super popular.

She scores OK on tests but never in the very top like her super smart friends she compares herself to.

She has to work hard to make all As in school. She managed, but only just barely, again not compared with a lot of her friends who (she feels) just do really well in school without really trying.

She likes to draw but isn't a gifted artist or anything. She's played a few instruments but never got good at any of them and doesn't play in a band or orchestra. She has a nice voice, but has performance anxiety so she dropped out of chorus because she is scared to sing in public.

She feels like she doesn't have any interests or gifts or skills that she can be best at, or even that can be specific to her, can be her "thing". I feel for her because she is unhappy, but I think she is wonderful. She's just a great, all around good human being.

But I want to help her find something to feel special about. Any ideas?

Honestly, she just needs to be okay with her own pace. But as a parent, maybe you can take the time to help her stick with something and get good at it. It may be that you find music classes and take the time to take her to lessons playing the kind of music she really enjoys or she joins a sport and gets training in an area where she feels she can improve and feel confident. But in the end, it's really about teach her to be happy where she is, but know that she can always work harder to improve even if it is just a little.

[Anonymous]

She’s reminding me of my sister. She was smart and good at sports and music but always only noticed who was better. Some people always only look at things that way. It frustrated my parents and they always tried to build up her self esteem. She turned out find and is a fully functioning adult with a family but she’s one of those people who still always notices what others has and how successful, pretty or rich they are. Look at DCUM, posts are filled with people like that. So encourage your child do do her best and stop comparing herself to others because there will always be someone better than you and you will always be better than someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t need to find some fake thing to make her feel special. You need to help her understand 99% of people are average and normal and that’s actually a blessing. It’s NICE to have a normal average life. A lot of people would kill for that. I tell this to my 9th grade students all the time- consider yourself lucky if you are average, there is a LOT worse your life could be.

I tell my kids this all the time. Shoot for upper middle, but average is fine too. The best takes a lot of effort along with the pressure - with a type A personality to match. She is not that, but count herself lucky, she will be happier (with a more balanced life) than most at the "top".

[Anonymous]

Right now, all of her friends might seem "the best" at something, but there's always a bigger pond. The kids who are "the best" at sports, music, or academics will head off to college and no longer even make the team there. Or if they do, they won't be starters, soloists, etc. Unless you're truly elite in something, everyone eventually has to make that adjustment of accepting that they're good but not the best.

If she's feeling insecure, one other way to look at things is that she's not the worst at anything in her friend group. The kid who is the best athlete might be the worst musician. One of the perks of being well rounded is that you're never among the worst at anything.