Daughter upset she's not the best at anything

[Anonymous]

My daughter is in 9th grade. She's coming to the realization that she's just not outstanding at anything. ANd for some reason that really bothers her.

She is such a great kid. She's good at most things. She's very coordinated and can pick up a sport and do fine in it... but she didn't start sports young and never specialized in anything, so she doesn't excel at any one sport. She never winds any medals or comes in first at anything.

I think she makes friends easily and she is a good friend to others. But she isn't super popular.

She scores OK on tests but never in the very top like her super smart friends she compares herself to.

She has to work hard to make all As in school. She managed, but only just barely, again not compared with a lot of her friends who (she feels) just do really well in school without really trying.

She likes to draw but isn't a gifted artist or anything. She's played a few instruments but never got good at any of them and doesn't play in a band or orchestra. She has a nice voice, but has performance anxiety so she dropped out of chorus because she is scared to sing in public.

She feels like she doesn't have any interests or gifts or skills that she can be best at, or even that can be specific to her, can be her "thing". I feel for her because she is unhappy, but I think she is wonderful. She's just a great, all around good human being.

But I want to help her find something to feel special about. Any ideas?

[Anonymous]

I was a lot like her, and I was frustrated by it. What took me a loooong time to realize is that almost no one is really really good at anything without a ton of practice. I didn’t have a passion for any one thing, and so I didn’t intensely practice one thing. So I was decent at a broad array of things. Still am. But in 9th grade I found my thing - rowing - and rowed through high school and college. And I was a good tower, but never the best. But it didn’t matter - what mattered was I loved it, and I tried every day to be the best.

Your daughter will come to understand that being pretty darn good at most things is a spectacular gift that opens just about any door. If she want to get really good at one thing she is going to have to throw herself into it with passion - and she still may not be the best! But she’ll feel less at sea.

[Anonymous]

PS - the fact that your daughter gets all As but feels like she should be able to do it with less effort is too bad. Many people can’t get all As no matter how much effort they put in, including my son. She should be proud of her work - it means more than other poeple’s Easy A.

[Anonymous]

This might sound a little strange but the most important thing your DD could be the best at would be failing. Some call it "failing forward".

Look it up. There are hundreds of web pages talking about how important it is to try hard and fail and learn to pick yourself up and actually try harder either at the same thing or something else.

Lots of people who "start sports young" or "specialize early" look really good as freshmen making the varsity but then never progress to team leader or all-county because they never developed a work ethic and have been coasting for years.

In the mean time, before she builds up her resume of failing forward, she should read: https://outline.com/sRfTa9

"How to Become the Best in the World at Something" its about skill stacking and illustrates how everyone is the best in the world at something.

[Anonymous]

What’s her passion?
Don’t wallow with her complaining.
What does she want improve about herself?

[Anonymous]

If she’s anxious about some things, this might be an anxiety thing. Has she seen a counselor?

I would suggest you have her keep a gratitude journal, or have a gratitude tradition at dinner time where you all say what you’re grateful for that day. Focusing on the positive at least once a day can be life-changing for those stuck in a negative loop.

[Anonymous]

Years ago when I was an associate at a big law firm working on a big litigation team, my boss told me during a review that I wasn't the best person at any single thing among those on his team, but that I was really good at everything. I wasn't the best writer, fastest researcher, most skilled at depositions, etc, BUT I did all of those things well. Sensing my dismay at hearing this, he clarified that this was a good thing, because he knew he could reliably plug me into any part of the case at any time, in contrast to others he could only use for certain tasks, so he really liked having me on the team. It took me some time to process this, but I eventually embraced the role of "best" all rounder and took pride at being the person who could parachute into any task and handle it. It wasn't the flashiest job, but 20 years later I find it has served me very, very well in ny career. Today's careers require people to be flexible and able to pivot quickly to adapt to change and pick up new skills continuously. No one will give you an award for that, but it is incredibly valuable.

[Anonymous]

1. I got A’s easily in HS. It was a curse because college kicked my ass and I had to learn time management,
study skills and grit on my own. I was embarrassed to ask for help. To this day I think I would be more successful at work if I had gained those skills earlier.

2. My husband just read a book called “Range. Why generalists triumph in a specialized world”. Perhaps she can check it out or you can read it and share some lessons learned with her.

[Anonymous]

Another book rec: Late Bloomers: The Power of Patience in a World Obsessed with Early Achievement.

So many people don't find their talents until well into adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s her passion?
Don’t wallow with her complaining.
What does she want improve about herself?

She doesn't have any passion, to be honest.
She's just a general, all around good kid. She likes a lot of stuff, but nothing really gets her super involved.

She's a pretty normal teen -- she likes to watch TV shows, play some computer games and stuff. She's never found anything that really sparked her interest though.

To improve herself? I think she looks at some of her very high achieving friends and wants to be like them -- winning something, getting an award, being the best at something, having the highest score in something.

[Anonymous]

You describe my DD. She is now a senior. She is a good student, mostly A's with a couple of B's over the years. Very good, but not elite test scores...Good musician, but not top in the band (though she did make the top band). She has to work for everything.

She thinks she is below average. She is not. But, her view of average is skewed by her friends. Her friends all excel at something, whereas my DD broader.

The good news is when kids like OP's or DD start applying to college, they discover they are much better than average. They get a lot of acceptances. Because they are good. She may or may not get into her top choice, but she has good options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This might sound a little strange but the most important thing your DD could be the best at would be failing. Some call it "failing forward".

Look it up. There are hundreds of web pages talking about how important it is to try hard and fail and learn to pick yourself up and actually try harder either at the same thing or something else.

Lots of people who "start sports young" or "specialize early" look really good as freshmen making the varsity but then never progress to team leader or all-county because they never developed a work ethic and have been coasting for years.

In the mean time, before she builds up her resume of failing forward, she should read: https://outline.com/sRfTa9

"How to Become the Best in the World at Something" its about skill stacking and illustrates how everyone is the best in the world at something.

Thanks so much! This is a great article!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s her passion?
Don’t wallow with her complaining.
What does she want improve about herself?

I was actually going to day that she is frustrated bc she has heard this narrative of finding your passion her whole life. I agree. I felt lazy and less than for much of my life for not having a passion. It kind of even arrested my career development bc I couldn't figure out what direction to go or how to do it bc I couldn't figure out my passion. But now close to 40 I feel like this whole idea is kind of BS. having a passion is like having a calling, it's actually pretty rare, it usually comes at the expense of other aspects of your life and it should not be something everyone goes searching for! Being good at a lot of stuff but not amazing makes her pretty bad ass compared to the general public!

[Anonymous]

Ha! So much indoctrination from social media and the American Dream about being the best! Yes, Melania you are missing an article and I am not even a native English speaker! Emphasis on individual, it is a myth! Your dd is great at studying, and she is an overall nice person, it sounds like. Nobody is the best at anything! Heck, how did she get the idea that you have to be the best at something? Her hard work ethics are likely to make her the best at life! That truly is all that matters.

[Anonymous]

You need to explain that her envy is misplaced, and that she's the lucky one, to be pretty good at mostly everything It means she's going to find balance in life, and be functional everywhere.

The best in her class in a given subject may not be the best in the school. The best in the school may not be the best in the nation, or the world. The BEST person at a particular thing is probably lousy at other things, just because it takes incredible time and effort to be the best at just one thing!