Reply to Daughter upset she's not the best at anything

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
She feels like she doesn't have any interests or gifts or skills that she can be best at, or even that can be specific to her, can be her "thing".  I feel for her because she is unhappy, but I think she is wonderful.  She's just a great, all around good human being.

[b]But I want to help her find something to feel special about.  Any ideas?[/b]

[/quote]

I would question that it's actually your job to "help her find something to feel special about."

Instead I would suggest that even though (of course) you want to give her that special feeling, and your instinct is to find a way to serve that up for her -- because you love her and want her to feel good!

But what you [i]really[/i] need to do is empower HER to find a constructive way to approach this particular kind of unhappiness.

Maybe she needs to work harder at something, or maybe she needs to learn something new. Or maybe she needs to shift her narrative from one in which she's not good enough to one in which she is actually pretty great.

Or maybe she needs to better identify the issue: Could it that this unhappiness is about something other than just feeling special? Is she worried about getting into college? Or is this about friends or romantic interests or something else? Is this existential angst?Or would her imagined specialness serve some sort of purpose (which could perhaps be served in another way?)

Your post doesn't suggest the answers to these questions. The good news, however, is that she's talking to your about your unhappiness, and that you're listening.

Then, I'd consider whether she actually wants your help, or whether she just needs to unload these thoughts and feelings somewhere that she knows she is safe and loved. (If you're not sure, ask.)

If she's interested, I would try to keep the conversation open and ask questions that get her wheels spinning, and where needed, help her connect the dots.

And if she's asking for help, you can always ask what kind of help she wants. (I will bet a million dollars she does not say, "Mom, I want you to help me find something to feel special about.") Maybe this is really about wanting to sign up for a certain class, or feeling like she needs to start getting up earlier, or maybe she is actually depressed and wants to see a therapist. Who knows. She probably doesn't know yet herself.

Whatever she needs, your role is to guide her towards the solution -- but not to serve it up for her. This is just the right kind of problem for 9th grade, and a good opportunity for you to help her find a constructive way to use unhappiness, as we all do, to guide us towards making good choices and figuring out what we really want and need in life.

Are you a therapist, or just the mom or dad I wish I'd had at that age?

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